THIS IS WE
real conversations. real women. real stories.
here you can listen to a collection of stories from women just like you. sharing moments that changed their life. we believe that all stories should be celebrated whether they are the happiest moments of your life, moments that left you feeling lost or moments where you healed yourself again and again.
we are here for all of it. heal, grow and connect with us.
THIS IS WE
Intimacy and Empowerment in Relationships with Chantal
This episode explores the transformative journey of self-love and vulnerability in relationships, revealing how these elements can foster deeper intimacy and connection. With insightful stories from our guest, Chantal, we discuss the importance of self-worth, the challenges of modern dating, and practical ways to cultivate love that lasts.
• Discussion on the first love story: self-discovery and self-worth
• Insightful tips for applying self-help concepts effectively
• Exploration of vulnerability and emotional growth in relationships
• Personal anecdotes about a journey into lasting romantic love
• Emphasis on the broader meaning of intimacy beyond just the physical
• Importance of patience and acceptance in evolving relationships
• Techniques for fostering deeper connections in all types of relationships
Connect with Chantal and learn about her book, Raise Your Love Signal @chantal.landreville
If you enjoyed this episode, leave us a review!
Do you have a story to share? Interested in being a guest? Fill out our inquiry form.
Find The WE Experience on Instagram
Find Portia Chambers, founder of The We Experience on Instagram
Join me, Portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shaped them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. I am so excited to have our next guest here with us. Chantel is an author, speaker, certified love and relationship coach with over two decades of experience in personal growth and human connection. Her mission is to help individuals discover the path of authentic and lasting love and is dedicated to empowering us with the knowledge and tools needed to create healthy, fulfilling relationships. Chantelle, I'm so excited you are here with us.
Speaker 2:Not as excited as I am.
Speaker 1:And I have to say I am super excited to hear your story. We were chatting, you know, a few moments ago, before we actually hit record, and I'm really excited to have a love story on the podcast. It's something that I've been craving. I've been, you know, putting that energy out there, and I'm so happy that we have connected and that you are going to be sharing not only one, but two love stories, and the first love story is the love story of self, and I would love to start there and I would love to start there.
Speaker 2:Yes, because what I've understood through my journey being almost 18 years single and finally finding my person to actually experiencing what I'm experiencing in my relationship was really working on the relationship with myself. And I think that, even though we're talking a lot more out about that in the world self-love, self-care, self, all about the downtime it's like you know what, like we we kind of shove that under the carpet really, really quickly and it's one of my goals in 2025. Even though I already know this stuff, it doesn't mean that, you know, we don't slip and slide, and it's not feeling guilt and shame in any shape or form if I want to take time for myself, because I know, at the end of the day, when I do, I produce better in every area of my life, whether it's at work, whether it's with my clients, whether it's with my relationship. So how did that start? I would say that I didn't realize until probably my mid 40s, early 40s, which is late in life, how I didn't love myself. I thought because I was someone that was very big personality, you know, very confident, or from what people's perspective looked like, their perspective on me looked like, and, you know, always a group leader. I worked in sales, so you know, just always gave the the the perception to people that my self love was really at a high level and and I want to share this story because how, how it came about was really like you know, when you get the aha moments in the lightning rod, it was just like about was really like. You know, when you get the aha moments and the lightning rod, it was just like. And it's a man that gave me that moment Because, even though I had done a lot of personal development work, I was a junkie.
Speaker 2:I was over consuming so much of everything that has to do, whether it's in the spiritual realm or about love, dating and relationships, just everything that involves understanding human minds a little bit more. But I realized at one point that I was doing exactly that. I was over consuming and learning but not actually applying it, which makes a massive difference when you apply it. So this person tells me, as we were dating Chantal, I don't understand, as I've gotten to know you we had actually really connected on a emotional, in-depth level, if that makes any sense, we would have these like philosophy of life conversations, like we would just go deep really from the start.
Speaker 2:So he I want to say he got to know me very quickly, or how I think, and he was like you've been fishing at the bottom of the sea and I was like what, what do you mean? He goes, well, what's at the bottom of the sea? And here I am, I'm like having fun with them, like everything I love, like lobsters, shrimp, you know and he's like what do they eat? They eat the shit from all the big fish that are swimming above. He goes you have been swimming at the bottom of the sea and you need to figure out and think that you are deserving to having. You know, the kind of person that you're looking for is those big, those big fish. So he's like stop swimming at the bottom, get on the top. And I swear to God, that was my aha moment. And just when I thought I actually had self lovelove with myself, I realized that my self-worth was not very, very high.
Speaker 2:So everything that I was trying to call in I subconsciously did not believe I was deserving of it. And this is where my story with myself and self-love really transformed, because I think when we talk about self-love, self-worth, they all kind of go together, but they're kind of at different levels, and I think that the worth piece is a lot of self-love, because you can have a lot of self-love for yourself but you don't feel worthy. And that's why I wanted to share the story, because I really think they go hand in hand together. And from that day on I was just like, oh okay, so how can I make sure that my worth and my self love practice are aligned and I'm not subconsciously sabotaging myself? So that goes with things about how you address people in a room.
Speaker 2:It goes how I started dating and I mean, four months later I attracted my now fiance. So by leveling up and really swallowing my worth and being you know what I am worthy of being a big fish and attracting the big fish I just like it was all old stories still going down for me. So I would say and this happened when I was 40, actually 43 years old, so that's a long time not to live in a lot of worth and self-love, even though you think you are. So I want to invite your audience to just think like do I really feel worthy of what I'm trying to call in, of what I'm? You know, the new job as a parent, as a friend, do I feel worthy about being surrounded with what I truly want to call in or in the life I want to experience? So does that answer your question about self-love?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it does, and I have a few questions for you. I want to kind of take a step back about over-consuming and applying, because I feel like that is where we are in this day and age, because we have social media at our fingertips. Whether you're on TikTok, whether you're on Instagram, you are consuming, consuming, consuming, and there's people telling you everywhere you should be doing this, to do this, and you should be doing this, and this is how you find self-love and this is how you find self-worth, and some of the information is similar and some of it is very different, and you're like I don't even know where to start because it's so overwhelming. And it's like I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't even know what the first step is. So what would you say to those that are like okay, I've consumed a lot, how do I apply?
Speaker 2:Well, that's a great question. And thank you, because I remember when I was starting my business, I was like I was always a curious person, as I said, and a lot of the times I would ask my girlfriend's question, they were like, did you Google it? And I said no, I didn't Google it. I hate Googling because all of this information comes out and I get lost in it. I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's right for me, and it's like I get overwhelmed so I just toss it to the curb. So this is the case of what we're living in, as you mentioned, with social media. So my thing would be this you have to find what actually resonates with you first. So I remember at one point I had a I call him a mentor, even though he's passed it Wayne Dyer. I don't know if you know Dr Wayne Dyer, but when I went through my depression, he's that voice is what really resonated with me, and I went back to his work. Like 15 years later I just I was like this is I remember at the time this really resonated and it's like I just need to revisit, because with anything that we learn, it's all about repetition, right? And this is one of the things that I, when I coach or I teach, it's like it doesn't matter if you identify what you know you need to change, improve or a new routine you want to put into place. It's the daily baby steps that you can actually act on that will get you to the end goal. It's like developing new muscles, so you do not develop a new muscle overnight. So I think that when people are trying to change, improve or learn all of this stuff, they get discouraged because I learned it but they don't apply it, as we say. And it's like finding the right thing that you want to work on and then start integrating that in every area of your life on a daily basis.
Speaker 2:And I'll give an example. In my case it was vulnerability back in the days I had, my roommate at the time when I was single had told me Chantal, you can't even be vulnerable with your own friends. How the hell do you expect to be in a relationship one day? And again that was one of my aha moments I was like, oh yeah, you're right. So how could I start being vulnerable and applying that?
Speaker 2:And from a girl that left the house very young, had to work for and fend for myself, I had no one to rely on, no family. It was just me myself and I type A personality. I became a control freak. To protect myself, like being vulnerable is like a big deal for me, and I remember saying. This is why I say find the one thing that you know you want to work on and start just focusing on that. So I said I'm going to call my best friend, whom I trust and I feel safe with, and say you know what I'm going to practice my vulnerability when I call you. I need you. This is what I need from you. I communicated my needs. I need you to let me vent. I don't need you to judge me, tell me what to do, give me advice unless I ask you. I just need you to hold space for me. That's all I need. So we agreed on that agreement and it took me four months to make that call Portia with my best friend.
Speaker 2:So I want people to know when we decide to change and improve these things don't happen overnight and it's okay to be kind and gentle with yourself, to, as we say, you're trying to develop a new muscle. And when I did the call, I'll always remember I was sweating, I was nervous, I was anxious, I was like what the hell is happening. And as soon as I was like, okay, Tina, this is the day, the day that this is happening. And when I finished the call, I remember saying, oh my God, this felt so good. I just needed to talk through things and hear myself talk sometimes because that's all we need, and not try to fix it, not try to analyze it, just like vent it through. And then you know that started being easier to do.
Speaker 2:Then I integrated a second friend and then I started being able to apply that in my workforce. We're saying, no, I can't do this alone or I need help. So, but this was a six year journey. So by the time I got to my relationship and I attracted the kind of man that I'm with, which is a very he's a provider and just. It's always about me and making sure I'm okay. I was able to receive that because at the beginning I was like I'm not sure, but because I had practiced and developed my muscle, it was much easier to catch myself when I would retract to always. Because this is something else that I've realized that we do we often retract to always because it's where it's safety, it's where we feel it's comfortable, right, it's what we've always known. So now I'm like that old story, that old narrative that I used to tell myself I have to do everything by myself, I have to do everything alone. Nobody understands me, that's old stories. No, no, no, no, no. I've built community now. So I, I, you know, I talk with my little child and I call little C in my head and I'm like, okay, little C, no, no, we all know that that's an old story and it's not the truth. So it's like catch yourself back. So it's very empowering and powerful to be able to develop that muscle and kind of I call it the out of body experience, where you're always able to observe yourself and bring yourself back.
Speaker 2:So that's why I would say, with two people, start with one thing and focus on that one thing at a time, because it can be overwhelming when we're trying to change and we don't see the results as quickly as we'd like and we're in a thriving society. We want everything yesterday, as you said right. So it's like, okay, this is not working, screw it, yeah. It's like no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was actually on a call this morning with a client that she's really identified those things and she's worked a lot through these things that we've identified. But she noticed on a date last night she was trying to self sabotage but she was able to catch herself through it now because of the self-awareness piece and I would say that that's the thing I've learned through.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think I'm skipping to one of your questions at the end, but I'm going to say it again and I'll repeat it because we all we never can hear it enough is self-awareness.
Speaker 2:The more you understand and do these things to understand why you are the way you are, why you get triggered, why you get reactive, why do I need this, why do I want this person to call me when you know they don't really need to call and you can actually voice it because you know your why behind the want, all your relationship dynamics will transform because then you're able to actually communicate and not be afraid to voice your voice because you really you're sure of what you want.
Speaker 2:And this I know. I know myself enough to say that I need you to touch base with me one day because, if not, it like it dings my social anxiety of like not feeling safe because whatever that might be, and you're able to set your boundaries and stick to them and not be feeling guilty or shamed about them, because you know that this is what you need and you need to stand by it. It's like you were saying you know my weekends are sacred, you know that and you know your why behind that. So it's not difficult for you to defend if you would be defied by it. Yeah, and that's a very powerful place to be and I think people don't give themselves enough credit around. Um, the self-awareness component piece, because when you know yourself well, you won't be afraid to voice your voice in any shape or form or settle for shit that you would never accept.
Speaker 1:Exactly exactly, and I feel like I can resonate with so much of what you're saying, even in my own relationship with my husband, like I've been with my husband for 15 years and you kind of hit the nail on the head for me where I feel like we're very similar in a way. I left my house young, but I left my house to live with my husband, but still I you know I was 19 when I moved out, got pregnant shortly after. We weren't in a relationship for very long and we were still very much figuring each other out and so we were tossed into this like parenthood young. He's nine years older than me, so he had his, his 20s to kind of figure out who he was. But I didn't. I didn't get that opportunity. I was learning with the baby and it's not until now that my daughter is 17, where I really have the time and the space to go back a little bit in our relationship and understand what I really want.
Speaker 1:And when you had said you know I was looking for somebody to be a provider, I felt like I fought so long and took pride in fighting for so long to work, to do all these things and once I kind of just surrendered into what he was and accepted him for who he was. I realized that you know what I actually do want a provider. I don't want to be fighting tooth and nail to be this person to you know, I love casually, I love what I do and the freedom that I have within it. Why was I resisting this for so long? And there was a vulnerability piece, like I feel like I'm naturally vulnerable. But there is a hidden point of me, a very secretive vulnerability that I don't share very often with people. And my last year, you know, you were at a dinner in 2024. And we talked about when we do our baselines and everything we talk about. You know what we're working on and I always say you know, I was secretly healing the relationship with my husband without him even knowing. And it really was a lot of this self work and acceptance within myself and understanding that I'm worth. I'm worthy of being in a relationship with a provider. I don't need to fight anymore this, I don't need to resist this anymore and it allowed me to accept him and allowed me to accept his love. You know, it was hard for me to accept that sometimes because am I worthy of this? I always felt shame around it.
Speaker 1:So a lot of things that you're saying. I'm like oh my God, this is me and it was like this happened in my relationship. Like for 15 years we have been married. He's always like we've known each other for like 18 years, but it's taken me so long to kind of understand who I am and really build that self-awareness, because for 17 years my main focus was my daughter and just being the mother and being there for her and that's. You know, there's a lot of, there's a lot of baggage with that and that's a story for another day. But, like, honestly, like I finally have this space and as I walk into this year and she's going to be 18 this year I really feel liberated in the sense that like I know who I am.
Speaker 1:I'm not, you know.
Speaker 1:You know coming out of motherhood in a way, not knowing who I am and I'm very strong in what I want.
Speaker 1:So I can really resonate and I love before I go on to the next thing, I really love how you said, do one thing at a time, because that's what I did in our relationship. I focused on one thing, I focused on the acceptance. I focused on working on myself rather than like pointing the finger at him like you need to work on this or you know, and I'm doing this alone, and I really was just like I'm just going to focus on this one thing for myself and I want to see where this goes, and I know it's not going to be overnight, like you had said. It took months and I feel like, really, we went on a vacation together to celebrate our 15 year anniversary. We went to Calgary a vacation together to celebrate our 15 year anniversary. We went to Calgary, we did a road trip and that was the first time we've been together on a vacation, just us, for longer than like three days, with no other responsibilities, in maybe 12, 11, 12 years.
Speaker 2:And that's a long time.
Speaker 1:We vacationed a lot together, especially when my daughter was young. My mom was like it's so important for you guys to stay connected when she's young. So she was like we'll take her for a week and all of these different things. And we did that maybe for the first you know, five years of her life. And then we kind of stopped because we actually wanted to vacation with our friends and we don't have similar friends, so we kind of like separated our vacations and it made life a little bit easier that way, because she was older and going to school.
Speaker 1:But going back to that vacation and being together, I felt like if I didn't do that work through the entirety of the year, that vacation wouldn't be as memorable and as intimate as it was. And it was such a and I don't know if he feels that we don't really talk about it, but like I don't know if he feels the same way, I'm sure he does feel the same way about it. But just like the intimacy is what we were lacking in our relationship and it was just so amazing to to see all of the hard work pay off in that, you know, nine days that we were together.
Speaker 2:That's amazing. Well, one I want to applaud you because you said a word acceptance, which, when we're in a relationship it's something that well, it's one of the many things that create conflict and separation is the lack of acceptance. We're always trying to change our partners, especially us as women. We're really good at that. And second, I love that you said, like, considering your story. That's amazing Because, as you, it was reverse and you kicking a child into that, such a young person, that I think, from what I see with a lot of clients that I work with, especially when they have children, they get, they lose themselves, they just focus on the child and they lose themselves as a woman, as an individual and then as a partner to their partner.
Speaker 2:And that's that's where a whole other podcast as well. But I really want to command and applaud you because you, you were, you had enough self awareness and you identified what those things were and I'm sure it's transformed your relationship dynamics and to be able to accept, because it's one of the things that I've seen with the roles of men and women, as much as I hear so much about women complaining about men not, you know, stepping up, but we actually fucked them up a long time ago about becoming too hyperly independent and I got to do my own thing and you know there's nothing wrong with that, but there's a balance, especially when you're in a relationship where you need to make room for the man to actually feel they're useful. If they don't feel useful and it's part of their DNA they're like why am I even here? So I love that you were able to do that. So I just wanted to say congrats.
Speaker 1:And I love the piece where you said you know, like almost involved in, like having them participate in life and not doing everything, because I think that's where I had a hard time in. That is because I felt like my role was this stay at home mother, this home wife, even though I still work casually. He worked significantly more than I did and was obviously bringing in more money. So I felt like I had to take over this role and for years I was doing his jobs and my jobs, the jobs that were emasculating to him. You know the male role, you know cutting the grass, and I'm like can you buy me tools so I know how to use them? Like, can you buy me a lawnmower that I know how to push and a weed whacker that I know how to use? That's not too heavy for me. And and he was happy to do those things. But at one point I think I realized like I just took all of that away from him and something that I think he one enjoyed doing and to kind of took pride in that, and I think I'm really starting to learn to kind of step back.
Speaker 1:I feel like in the last two years like and he's even voicing like I want to take this off your plate and I'm still trying to like swallow the bitterness of being like I don't deserve that, because my role is this and I should be doing that for you, to alleviate stress from you. And now I'm just going to be like you know what? Just be taken care of, portia. Stop it. Just allow yourself to be taken care of. Um, even if it's not the way that you would have done it or whatever it is, let him. Just let him do it and you will be grateful later and all will be well. And I'm like I feel like that's what I'm really leaning into, probably for 2025 is to kind of do that Um, cause I'm similar to you like receive.
Speaker 1:I'm a bit of a control freak, and so it's hard to let go of the rates.
Speaker 2:Listen, I'm trying, yeah. Well, it's good that you're trying and you're again that self-awareness, you're able to catch yourself. And you said something that I really love is that, even though he doesn't do it the way I would do it and this is where a lot of I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to point women, but we do that we're like we've become control freaks and it's like, oh, you're not doing it, I him, let him like, let go, you know business, like you need to learn to just let go. It's. It's because this is where we experienced burnout, it's where we experienced that, you know. Then we get resentful and like everything builds up so it's like who cares?
Speaker 1:As Mel Robbins would say let them, let them. I know he's so funny. He said to me the other day he's like what's this let them theory? And I was like, oh well, he's like I knew you would know. But we're yeah, it's just, it's interesting and because we've been together for so long, I just feel like and we've went through like before we were I've shared this on the podcast before but we went through something very hard with one another in 2019 with losing our child, and so we, you know, it was a moment in our relationship where we had to decide, both as individuals and together, that we needed to put this work in, because if we allowed this to kind of take us down, we probably wouldn't be here together.
Speaker 2:I agree. So you both made an agreement and you have the willingness to actually want to do something about it. And I think in relationships, when people go into relationship, they forget that a relationship, I always say it's a threesome, it's you, your partner, and the relationship, and the relationship has an entity of its own. But most people it's me, it's me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, but I want this, but I want that, or you. So it's like no, when there's an argument, when there's a conflict, when there's a, you know, a moment of of grief that you guys went through together, it's like what can we do together and come together to help the relationship, even though we're individuals and we're both going through this in our own separate ways? It's like how can we show up in the relationship to make sure that this works? And there's a lot of power in that. When you're able to actually have two partners that want to do that. That's often there's always one more than the other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I really didn't want to lose that because you're in such a vulnerable time and I was just like, and I really feel like for myself I don't know if he feels this way, but it was such a pivotal moment for us. I feel like it was a both. It was at a time where we both really saw each other in such a vulnerable way and he's been through a ton of grief where I had not been through any grief to that point in my life, and so I really saw him in a different light and can kind of relate to the grief that he had felt for years and I could just never understand it. I could just never figure out why he was, you know, acting that way at this time of the year.
Speaker 1:Whatever it was, and I would just kind of brush it off, I wouldn't necessarily say buck up, I would just let him do his own thing, but I could just never relate to the feelings that he was feeling at those times, and so it really allowed us to see each other in such a different light. And I always say that's the time I really felt seen by him, and that was kind of a time in my life where I was like I don't want this to end, I want this to be more and I'm worthy of this to be more. And it took time. Like it was 2019, we're in 2025. Like you had said, it didn't happen overnight, it took several years, and just think 2024 was the year I decided I wanted to kind of heal this relationship within, like our relationship, just without him knowing, in a way, because I think I worked so hard on myself after that, um, that there was so much more self-awareness and more acceptance that I could, you know, deal with.
Speaker 2:I guess, in a way, and kind of lean into yeah, and I always say there's only one person within the two that needs to decide to change, to have create the change amongst the relationship. So that's good Intimacy, you know into me. I see We'll talk about that in a bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So let's go to your the second half of your love story, because I'm really excited for this and the story of finding your life partner.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh, my God, wow. You know we just celebrate our engagement over the weekend last weekend and as I was sharing yesterday and through the engagement, I was just like I can't believe I'm here because people were asking, when are you getting married? When are you getting married? And I'm like I don't know. I'm still just celebrating being engaged and there's no rush. I mean, we're in our fifties and he's in his sixties.
Speaker 2:So it's like I realized that love and the relationship I'm in today versus if I would have been in my twenties or thirts are one very, very different. And through everything I've learned through the years is that my perception of love and being in a relationship has obviously changed a lot. You know, I came from where a lot of us come from. We're not really taught any relationship skills and what we've seen and heard is all romcom and Disneyfied around love. We're in love with the idea of being in love and we both know when shit throws dumpsters in your life. That's like not enough to you know when you a kid or a death or financial issues or whatever that might be. If there's not a solid foundation and great tools that have been put into place. I don't care how much like your husband is romantic or that you know you put on like whatever clothes to make your husband happy, it's like that's not going to work. It's like there needs to be a strong foundation. So I would say that the way I got to my love story and I was in a very young relationship from 19 to 27. I moved from Ottawa, a small town of Ottawa, to Montreal. Here I am, you know, a girl that knows nothing in a big city or what I thought was in a big city back then. And a few years into our relationship, as I started stepping into more my personality which, as I mentioned earlier, was very big, it bothered him and it was like almost a competition and I realized like what I? How are we in a competition, together in a relationship? And I made that decision at my point, like I can't be with someone that doesn't really accept me for who I am. And I left the relationship.
Speaker 2:And when I left the relationship, I decided to write a list of everything I wanted to experience before I would find my next person. And, as I said, my curiosity sometimes gets a bit of a hold of me because I just, I say yes to everything at least once. And the list was long and I woke up, this I was 27. And I woke up, I was 38 years old and I was like it's enough, like I've done everything I wanted to do on the list.
Speaker 2:I went on a massive party spree and still getting to know who I was, but, as I mentioned, not applying, just learning and consuming. And at 38, I was like I want something serious, I want to find my person. I don't understand why I keep attracting all these people that aren't available. So I went diving deeper into the work and started applying it and I realized that I was not feeling deserving of love One second. My I lost my father young, at two. He actually passed away on December 21. As well. So I share your, your, your grief day with you in more ways than one.
Speaker 2:And I I just realized that I I had to change things. And what could I start incorporating? And, um, like we already spoke to, on a on a small baby step way. So I needed to start dating differently from everything that I already had. I needed to stop chasing the spark. I needed to stop chasing the you know excitement and sleeping with men really quickly giving myself too quickly, because sometimes as women, we think you know I'll give myself and it'll just make them want me even more.
Speaker 2:So after I started showing up differently dating and stop dating emotionally unavailable men. So I would notice that from the beginning, instead of compromising myself in situation, and when I met Jeff after my fishing story came through, I, you know, I had someone that had told me why aren't you on dating apps? And by the time I was single, dating apps weren't in. And then they came, and then they were the hot thing and I did, with a lot of people do in, out in out. I love it, I hate it, I'm like I can't do this.
Speaker 2:And I had stopped doing it for a couple of years and my naturopath actually said you should try this new one that's just came out. And I was like I can't do it. And she was like I'm telling you, the pull of men is, you know, more interesting. And I was like, okay, I'm special, but you're like extra special because she's like she's a naturopath that has, like all these hidden talents and I think she comes from another planet. But I said, okay, I'll try it. And she told me I want you to start looking into people's profile, not to people you would typically be attracted to, but pay attention to what they're actually saying and try people that you're not typically attracted to, because that hasn't worked for you. And she actually even used the word look into men that are more feminine in their energy and I was like, oh, that's interesting.
Speaker 2:So I did that and I only met two people on the app, and one of them being my fiance, and so he was older. I always wanted to date older men, but I thought I never attracted them for some reason. And it took almost two weeks for him to respond to my message and I was like, I guess, I guess he's just not interested. And again, these stories you know, and I write about it in my book it's just we often think it's us and sometimes it has nothing to do with us. I just took it personal, saying okay, he's not interested in someone like me. But he was like I'm sorry, I haven't been on these apps forever, I just I've been working a lot, so I just forgot. And I saw your message now, right, and we went on our first date, which was brunch, and that lasted all day.
Speaker 2:And here we are, but you know, the thing that was great was we were both at a place that we wanted to take things slow and I had done the work that I talk about in my book, which is really getting clear on not only what I want from a partner's perspective, but from a relationship perspective. So, because we've been rom com about love and we're in love with the idea of being in love, we don't really filter or ask ourselves what do I need in a long-term relationship to actually get me through the hard times and be supported and how do I want to grow and evolve with this person? What do I fundamentally need? Because when we're looking and we're dating, we're often looking for superficial things. I want him to be six foot two, I wanted her to be financially well off, I love for him to travel, to cook, and you know, when I work with clients, I said, wow, it's funny how everybody shares the same damn list. They're all looking for the same partner. Yes, and I'm like we need to take this like deeper, because what happens is that you're going to have to focus on what really matters. At one point and I'll give an example I always wanted to be with someone that knew how to dance, because I love dancing.
Speaker 2:I wanted to. I had this fantasy that we'd go salsa dancing and take ball room dancing and do this every Friday night as a date. And you know, I meet him and it was almost in my deal breakers, like I would literally consider it as one of my deal breakers. And when we met I'm like do you dance? He's like I'm kind of known to have two left feet and I was like, oh, um well, do you have rhythm? He's like what do you mean? I was like can you do like a?
Speaker 2:little shoulder roll and he's like it's not really my thing, you know, and I was like in my head I cannot believe this is happening to me, like what? And as I started getting to know him, I realized that he had qualities that I had taken the time to actually write down, because there's a difference between wants and needs. Wants are typically more superficial. Needs are like water, air, breath, like you cannot live without them, like there's no way. And one of the things for me was someone that accepts me. Acceptance was like accepts me for who I am.
Speaker 2:I used to travel a lot, I used to be in the wine business, so it was like a lot of entertaining, and I work in a male you know, predominantly male industry. So someone that wasn't jealous, that was secure, that wouldn't be asking me questions of where are you, what are you doing? It's just like and I'm a butterfly, I love my freedom, so I needed someone that accepted my independence as well. So these are things that were non-negotiable for me, and I see it today where it's like I'm not going to go out dancing with you, but go out with your friends, or I'll pick you up at whatever time you want me to pick you up, or at our wedding together. And he's like I said I want to dance. He's like let me have four shots of tequila and.
Speaker 1:I'll give you one dance, you know.
Speaker 2:So you, you have to remember what really matters, and I saw that with him on how he would treat other people, how he was considerate of other people, how he had great communication skills, how he would actually be able to work Right. Um, I would say that, um, six months later, we're at one of our first parties together and I run into a woman I had done a lot of work with to kind of break down my old, uh, subconscious patterns and beliefs and she said I heard you met someone really great. And I said, yes, the hard work has finally paid off, yes, and she's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is where the hard work actually starts, chantal. And I and she's like, oh, no, no, no, no, this is where the hard work actually starts, chantal. And I was like what do you mean? She's like you're totally going to go into self-sabotage mode because everything you've worked for now and it's here you're not used to receiving.
Speaker 2:So your nervous system is actually going to be like I gotta flee, like this is too good to be true, and I remember being almost too upset about it, like, really, girl, can you not just let me be happy in my happiness right now, and I'm so thankful she said that to me, because four months later, september, end of September 29th, I'll always remember that day I had the flash of starting to find a bunch of excuses. He's too old, here's this, he has that I don't think it's going to work. And I caught myself because I had the self-awareness and I had done the work and I brought myself back. I was like no, no, no, no, you're trying to flee. You're trying to flee because this is feeling too good to be true. Your nervous system is not used to being so regulated and feel safe and calm and provided for. And so it's been a beautiful story, and I think because I could talk about this for another two hours, but what I want to tell people as well I decided to reverse everything I had done which hadn't worked, including looking for the spark and the initial butterflies, and I said no, and I've, I'm I always say in my own experience and my journey, cause I test everything, I teach, I apply like, I practice what I teach.
Speaker 2:And I remember my first trip uh, one of my first trips three years later, when he came to pick me up at the airport I had been away, actually wasn't my first trip. I had been away for a long period of time. I'm coming back and I'm sitting on the plane and I have butterflies three years later for the first time. How excited I am to see him. And I was like, isn't this interesting?
Speaker 2:And I realized it was because of what? The fundamental house that we've built together, the walls where I felt so safe. For the first time in my life, I feel safe, I know, no matter what I say, what I do, I can turn my back. That person's there for me and will support me, accept me and respect me and, you know, figure it out with me. And I think that's something I took for granted or didn't know how important it was in relationship for us to be more intimate, for us to be vulnerable, for us to allow ourselves to work through our stuff together because you know, you've been with your husband, as you said, for 15 years and you were so young. You've grown like you've, like you know, as he said he was so sometimes couples can like lose themselves through that, but it seems from what I'm hearing is that he was there and he supported you and let you be, and you know, as you both mutually grew together as a couple and as individuals. You were able to have conversations and accept each other through that. So it's been. It's been a really beautiful journey. It's been a really beautiful journey and I really wish that for people, because I never thought I'd experienced what a healthy relationship is and how you can thrive as it grows and it ages.
Speaker 2:But here's the key it's literally how you show up on a daily basis and make the effort, and I think that that's when I realized what I wanted to do, because it's one thing to attract the right person, which took me 18 years, but it doesn't mean you're with the right person, that your relationship is going to work. You have to have the set of tools. So that's when I said I need to teach people on how being in relationship, what, what does that mean? And ideally, before you go into relationship, because people especially if you've been in a relationship for a long time and they start conflicting, people wait till shit hits the fan until to go get help right and it's like no, you should.
Speaker 2:Actually, I would. I would encourage and support people as they're getting into a new relationship. This is where you, you work with a coach, go to therapy together, because you build a toolbox when shit hits the fan. You actually know what to do and you've had. You know, develop the proper communication skills together and the agreements that you've agreed to doing together. You honor and you respect them and you get, you get yourself through those.
Speaker 1:Oh everything that you're saying, that the plane ride to me was like I can so relate to that. I always say to my husband I said I think something's wrong with me, I don't miss anybody. I said I miss one friend and she lives two and a half hours away and I miss her. I don't say the only reason I miss her. I miss her because our relationship was fast friends and she left too soon. I always just feel like I never got enough time with her and so I always think about her, even of time with her, and so I always think about her, even when I think about her leaving. It always brings a tear to my eye and she's like the only person and I was like I think there's something wrong with me. But then when you were talking, it was about, you know, getting the butterflies after three years. I'm like I can totally relate to that in the sense of it was so much more. It wasn't just this lovesick puppy and just having that.
Speaker 1:You know what you read in a book? You know I read a lot of romance novels. So I am one of those like romance junkies. I read every romance comedy that comes out on the TV Like I am watching that movie. I love, I love, love. I love that feeling. It provokes feelings in me. I'm like, uh, but you know I I kind of now know the line Like my life is not going to look like that. It's not a fairy tale, this is reality. It is work, like you had said, and it's work every single day. It's not just work, you know, when you feel like working, it is every day and I can relate to that being you know, being you know going home to feeling safe, knowing that you have somebody that is never going to judge you for anything that you say or anything that you do is going to constantly support you. Like I, my husband once said to me this is like maybe last year or something. He's like I would wait for you if you went to jail.
Speaker 2:That's so cute, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:He's saying I'm going to jail, but it was just kind of the sentiment to it Like I would wait for you, I would wait for you, I wouldn't give up on you.
Speaker 2:I will be here for you.
Speaker 1:And it does feel good, it does and and I think I kind of lost that a little bit within my own relationship with him where I didn't see that, and I think it's somewhat of a different maturity in a way, and once again, that acceptance piece and seeing things from different lights and not comparing you know my relationship to you know the relationship that I'm reading in a book, like at one time I was reading romance and he's like my husband said to me he's like as much as you want me to be those people, I'm never going to be that person. And that was like that was an aha moment. That was like, damn, portia, accept him.
Speaker 2:Yes, why are you trying to?
Speaker 1:change him and and it brought on so much. And I want I really want to talk about intimacy. I don't want to run out of time before we talk about intimacy, because I feel like they're. Intimacy is almost like a broad word because some people think of intimacy as like foreplay in a relationship and some people see intimacy as the conversation and the words and everything before the foreplay conversation and the words and everything before the foreplay. And you know, I see intimacy as everything almost in a relationship, not just the act of having sex or being together. In that way, I think I see it as everything and I think what I want more in a relationship is intimacy. So I would love for you to just kind of talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I love this topic because I would say the average person, as soon as they hear intimacy, associates it with sex. Then it has actually nothing to do with sex at all. It's, it's something that you just you can practice from morning to night in so many subtle ways. And I think what I've learned through the years as I've developed more intimacy in all of my relationship, it's one word that goes with it to get you there, and it's feeling safe. It's really, the more you feel safe, the more you want to create and build and experience intimacy. And intimacy for me are subtle things, like they're a lot of, like touching Intimacy for me is feeling listened to and acknowledged, not dismissed, dropping everything. I'm going to listen to you, you need to talk, I gotcha, and it's when you feel important, right, it's like for me that's forms of intimacy. So I think people dismiss little things that you can do through the day to create that intimacy. And what intimacy does? The more you cultivate it, well, that'll help you in the bedroom in a whole other way, because then you're like, oh, I feel safe, I feel relaxed, I can actually, you know cause? I think that when we're often thinking about sex and intimacy especially women that have children. You know we're already in our head, you know we're multitaskers, so it's really hard for us to let go. And then we're thinking, oh, my husband wants to have sex or my boyfriend wants to have sex, I don't have the time or I don't want to give this. As soon as they start touching you, you know we automatically go into that mode where intimacy is something that you do throughout the day with no expectation. It's just like forming a bond in some shape or form. So things if I keep it to relationship, uh, romantic relationships it's like hugging, hugging, hugging and touching, greeting each other at the door is a massive form of intimacy because again it says a subtle like I matter, I'm important, you just dropped everything to come and say hi to me. That makes someone feel really important and special, so that creates intimacy. And I think that when you are able to reciprocate that because everything I talk about has to be reciprocated, it's not a one-way street for things to actually work is that then the other person actually starts. You know, doing that as well. It's just like oh, I really like this, so kissing a lot of like. You know, they talk about the famous. The Gottman Institute talks about the famous like six-second kiss, where it's not just like peck, it's like kissing.
Speaker 2:I've realized like for us, we hold hands, we, we, we, we. We touch each other on a regular basis throughout the day and we both work from home and sometimes, you know, I can easily get out of work mode and do something else where I know my fiance is like, when he's in work mode don't even ask him a question. He's like I can't right now I'm in work mode. But what we've done is like we need a hug, I need a hug, I need like 10 seconds. And then we do this like a tantra hug that I had learned that it's like literally you're touching all the different body parts, from even the legs down, and we take a deep breath. That creates intimacy.
Speaker 2:Where we just feel connected and I think that's another word that goes with intimacy is feeling connected. When we feel connected, it's easier for us to create intimacy. It's easier for us to want to be with our partners and, you know, have sex, have like, you know, just hold each other and sensuality and stuff. So intimacy is just paying attention to the smaller little things throughout the day and even if you want to take this out to like friendships and family again. It's just like you know when we're having we have girls lunches together, or you're just with your friends and you know we have our phones on. We leave them on the table. That's like a proven scientific that people do not feel paid attention to because there's always the distraction.
Speaker 2:Or here's my worst pet peeve is those famous Apple watches. Right, people are like you're in a conversation. It's like looking at their text. Yeah, you, just you, just completely disconnected. I'm like I'm sorry, I'm just like I don't feel like getting intimate, I don't feel like getting vulnerable, I don't feel like telling you what's really happening with me.
Speaker 2:So you know words I think that we can all put in the same sentence when we're talking about intimacy is vulnerability, intimacy, connection and safety. So if you're able to do an act and it's like, is my partner feeling safe right now? But with my movement, do I feel connected? Of course I'm forgetting my two vulnerable can I, can I? I feel so connected that I can actually be, uh, vulnerable, and then the result is that I feel I can be intimate with this person in front of me and I feel important, I feel seen, I feel valued and we all want that. We all want you're so different as human beings, but we all want the same things is to feel you know, heard, feel we matter and have purpose. That's, that's the uh, that's the end.
Speaker 1:So that's that's how I see intimacy yeah, and I feel like intimacy, to be completely honest, was probably lacking in my relationship and was something that I really strived for for 2024 was to bring that back and it was something that I had to initiate. And I was actually telling my girlfriend this because my daughter's obviously 17 and her kids are still young and that's where her disconnect is in their relationship with her husband and she's like how did you bring it back? And I was like I literally had to be the person to do it all because he needed permission, because there was so much time without it that I don't think he knew that I wanted that and, unless and for me, speaking in a vulnerable way, especially things like this, is really, really hard for me, so action is better. And then I can always say like, thank you, I really enjoyed that, or I appreciated that. Like my husband sent me a text yesterday and he works and sometimes we'll like when we first got together, this was like so cute and I have to remind myself that we're not always in the honeymoon phase for the entirety of our relationship and he was like he would call me at work on his lunch break and he was like you're the only girl that I've ever been with, that I would ever do this. I just want to hear your voice and sometimes I have to step back into those moments of like yes, we had that. Now we're 15 years into this. He doesn't need to call me every day on his lunch break. It's okay, I'm busy, he's busy, um, but yesterday he sent me a message and he's like you know, I love your face, by the way and it was just like this, like just popped up on my screen.
Speaker 1:I was in the middle of a meeting and I was just like, oh, that felt so nice, that felt so nice to just be thought of in, where I just think he's not really thinking of me and initiating what I was going back to is initiating that intimacy. So it kind of almost started in the car, because it was easy, because he was driving, he's distracted, I'm sitting, you know, music's playing, we're all dancing. I would like grab his hand and like, place it on my lap and put my hand on top of it. And it started so small and almost just like as if we're like little teenagers, like 14 years old, like just trying to be like it's okay, you can touch my leg, but I had to start there and really had to show him like this is what I want. I really enjoy a nice long lasting hug. And then I would start sending him videos like the six second kiss, and be like we should try this and just kind of having fun with it a little bit and putting not necessarily humor with it but some playfulness with it, without being so serious of like I want you to touch my leg and I want you to kiss me for this long and it really felt like you want to change me.
Speaker 1:You know I'm not doing something right and I didn't want him to feel like he was doing something wrong, because I'm also a component that got us there. It wasn't just him, it was both of us and we got lost along the way and I'm ready to bring us back. And I knew I was the person that initiated no intimacy. I knew I needed to be the person to reintroduce intimacy and so like holding hands and doing all of these subtle things.
Speaker 1:And now it's like we went to the mall the other day and he's like touching my back and he's like rubbing my leg. And if we did that a year ago, that would never have happened. We might have held hands, you know. And so I just those moments and I'm like, oh, like what I read in a book, I'm experiencing in just like these subtle ways, when you know you're reading in the, the guy's like, oh, he brushed my leg or he grabbed my hand and I'm'm like, oh, I'm experiencing that and it does kind of give this flutter of butterflies in a way, and just remind me like I am deserving of this.
Speaker 2:I'm allowed to have this, yes, and I love so. I love everything you just shared and thank you, because this, this is, this is why you're taking your relationship after 15 years to a whole new level and experiencing, like you know, rediscovery, because one you, you, you, you acknowledge that I took this away. I need to bring it back. That's like massively important and like, again, I applaud you so much for that. Thank you, because men need more women like that and you, he, he, was waiting for permission. That's like a massive one. And the third word I want to say is playfulness. So what people don't realize is that when we were in the honeymoon phase or the first year of our things, you have to go back to that instead of, because women were often complaining I used to do this, used to do that, and it's like, well, what are you doing, by the way? Like, do you still shave your legs and wear your fancy underwear that you were wearing when you were, like the first six months in, right? So I always say, when people are lacking intimacy, play in their relationship, sex or just like feeling desired, are you acting the way you were when you first met? Go back to that girl, because men love playful women. They love it, they absolutely love it. And they were like come back, little puppies, right? So it's like it's super important to go back and do exactly what you said and have fun with it. Yeah, we do that.
Speaker 2:You know, obviously I'm a love and relationship coach. I always have a new tool to break to the box. And he's like really, are you kidding me right now? And I'm like come on, let's have fun with it, right? So it's, it's you're being playful in the relationship instead of like we need to do, and it's like so. But you also have to give time to your partner to adjust to something that's been happening or not for a long time. And that's another thing that often happens in relationship is like one of a sudden, all of a sudden, I wake up and I'm like we haven't been, you know, hugging every day. I want to hug tomorrow, starting tomorrow every day. It's like whoa girl? Like slow it down, where is this coming from, first of all. So give your, especially if you are asking for change that's, you know, coming out of nowhere, asking for change, that's, you know, coming out of nowhere give your, your partner, time to adjust to the change, because you're changing the dynamics.
Speaker 1:So it's like be patient, yes, yeah, and I really had to like lean into that, to be patient and to kind of take a step back and remember, and I really, really let me reflect and have that playfulness and and enjoy those times that we did have together. And I, you know, kept telling myself like I don't want to be alone and if I want this relationship to last and work and be fun after my daughter leaves, it's literally just going to be the two of us and I don't want a roommate. You know, I I had a short window of having a roommate, you know, with him, and I don't. I didn't enjoy that. I didn't love that. I don't want that anymore.
Speaker 1:Like I want to be together and grow together and have our lives together because, you know, once she's gone, we don't have a distraction, it's just us and we have to see each other. And, um, I'm happy that you brought up patience because you know I'll say it again Like it was a year, like it took a year, like it wasn't, like it was overnight, because it was years of nothing, and so how can I accept that? It's just going to be back in a second.
Speaker 2:No, you can't. And let me ask you this question so what has intimacy that you've worked on in the last year to cultivate in your? What has that brought to you and how is it making you feel?
Speaker 1:you know what it's brought me so much. It's brought me happiness. It reminds me, I feel I think I'm trying to even try to explain it in a way, and I was trying to think of it. It's when you are in love, and not like being, like hearts coming out of your eyes and love, but just feeling loved and in love with the person in front of you, feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling safe. It brings abundance into your life in no other way that I can describe, and not abundance like money was flying in, just brought. It made the brighter, it made the sunny days brighter. It just brought. It made the brighter, it made the sunny days brighter. It made the gloomy days not so bad. Um, and it really just reminded me like I'm worthy of all of this, like I think it just it's so hard to describe like I just feel like I'm such a happier person um with it, like you sorry, sorry to cut you off.
Speaker 2:Do you feel that you it's also helped you with other relationships?
Speaker 1:It has. Honestly, and you know what I have to say, I'm gonna I'm gonna shout out Dana here right now, because Dana is very opposite of me and she's very loving and she says a lot of the things that are on her mind, that are in her heart and it brought that a lot Like I would never I would say I love you to like a few friends if that, but she just is like. I always think of her as like my, as my book talk boyfriend, in a way like my book talk girlfriend, because she's just so like she has reminded me that I could have that intimacy. And maybe that was the kicking off point, because you know, when you're having a conversation with her, she's looking into your soul, like she's looking into your eyes. She's putting a hand, you know, on your arm, or putting a hand on your arm, or, you know, reminding you, giving you a hug, welcoming you, like I'm so happy to see you. And I just felt like, oh my God.
Speaker 1:And so it has changed a lot of relationships in my life. I feel like I'm a lot more softer, I'm not a big touchy, feely person. So like hugging is like like COVID came. I was like, yay, no one wants to hug. But, honestly, after not hugging for a very long time, I was like, oh no, wait, I kind of crave this now. I crave this connection with people that I never really wanted before. And, yeah, it has totally changed the relationships, other relationships in my life and I feel like I say a lot more things, like I appreciate you, I appreciate what you're doing for me. You know I have gratitude for you in our relationship that we have, and I feel like I can communicate better with the relationships like my friendships that I'm in. I don't feel so small, not even small, but just like if there was a conflict, or I feel like an emotion's coming up. I feel confident in saying like this is how I'm feeling, because I know that they're still going to be there. I know that they're, you know, still going to love me regardless and that they are going to support me.
Speaker 1:And I witnessed this. You know we chatted a bit off before this, just kind of the week before Christmas, and I went through something. I'm going to do a podcast about it, but I had to go to my best friend because I was fully triggered by her experience and I didn't want to sit there and disconnect myself completely from her and think that she had done something wrong because she had it. And so, you know, I had to put my girl, my big girl pants on and be like, hey, like this is what's going on. And you know, I know that you're going to love and support me regardless, and I love and support you and, and you know this is what's going on in my head. And you know, just take me as I am right now. And she was like 100%, like, tell me, communicate with me. I'm here for you, portia, I don't want, I don't want this for you, and so it's nice, it's nice to see it flourish in all relationships.
Speaker 2:That's amazing, and you know, it's what did it all start with? It's all little things, and that's what I want people to.
Speaker 2:It's like all little things then you feel safe, you feel acknowledged, you feel important, you feel you matter, and it creates in-depth human connection, which is what we are all hungry for. There's an epidemic of loneliness like never before. One out of two people, so that's one of you, so it's like we need to. You know, intimacy is all something that we can start cultivating on a daily basis in all of our relationships, not just romantic.
Speaker 1:Well, chantel, this was absolutely amazing. I feel like we could keep going on, and on and on.
Speaker 2:Good reason to come back, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1:There might be a part two in the future, but thank you so much for sharing your story and really kind of opening not only my eyes but, I hope, our listeners' eyes to you, know vulnerability, to intimacy, to you know understanding and looking at the relationships in our lives, both friendships and in our partners, in such a different way. And you know tapping into that and doing those small steps because, honestly, that's what's changed my life over the last few years. And it's not easy because you want to do all the things and you want immediate results and you want it to be here, but you know there's so much gratitude and love within the journey. So thank you again, thank you.
