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THIS IS WE
Rebecca's Dance of Resilience: Embracing Failures, Breaking Norms, and Finding Authenticity
What if the key to true happiness lies in breaking free from societal expectations and embracing failures as stepping stones to success? Join us as we explore this compelling question with our guest, Rebecca, who takes us on her transformative journey from aspiring dancer to a woman committed to self-love and authenticity. You’ll hear how a seemingly failed dance audition turned into a life lesson about resilience and strength, and how a spontaneous decision to throw away a wedding bouquet symbolized the start of living life on her own terms.
Rebecca’s story is a testament to the power of self-discovery and forgiveness. Together, we unpack the evolving significance of a "no regrets" tattoo, which over two decades, has come to embody the process of accepting past mistakes and learning to make choices independently. This episode takes a heartfelt look at navigating familial pressures and societal norms, revealing the emotional toll of pursuing personal happiness against the backdrop of parental expectations and societal conventions.
In a candid discussion about motherhood and identity, we highlight the often-unspoken challenges new mothers face and the immense courage it takes to redefine oneself after major life changes. Insights on finding personal sanctuary through practices like yoga and meditation provide invaluable tools for introspection and grounding. Alongside Rebecca, we explore the importance of creating a supportive community and the strength required to set boundaries, ensuring that our paths align with our true values. This episode promises to inspire you to embrace your journey toward authenticity and fulfillment.
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Join me, portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shape them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. I am so excited to have our next guest here with us. Rebecca is so many things, aren't we all? Welcome to the this Is we podcast. In her body and will try anything that gives her permission to feel fully alive. Mostly she is herself, and each year she's moving through many layers that encourage her to be more open and honest. Life is meant to be lived and loved, and she's sharing her stories to more people. Oh yeah, to more people. What can discover what loving their life is meant? I'll just re-say that line.
Speaker 2:I think it's supposed to say so people can instead of two people can.
Speaker 1:Okay, there we go. Life is meant to be lived and loved, and she is sharing her story so more people can discover their loving life. That's a lot of Ls.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry, skip it.
Speaker 3:That's a lot of L's I'm so sorry, that's a complicated bio.
Speaker 2:What?
Speaker 1:did I write? Some are logs, some I pick up pieces out. But okay, I'll skip it, we're done. Rebecca, I am so happy you're here with me today chatting about your love story, and this is the first time we've ever had a love story on the podcast, so I'm really excited to learn more about your story.
Speaker 2:Oh thanks. Yeah, that's awesome. I figured you'd had talked about love stories before, but we haven't here we are.
Speaker 1:Let's do it. Here we are. So let's start from the beginning. Take us back in time, maybe not from the very beginning, but at a moment in your life where you're like, well, you know, we were talking a little bit earlier in the DMS and about how we were going to go with the flow, and you know, the first part, one we were kind of chatting about. You know, how am I supposed to myself? So let's start there.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think there was a I, like many of us, was raised and loved and there was just a time when I realized I could love myself rather than always receiving or doing things in order to be loved. And there was kind of a series of events that culminated to create that awareness. I think one of the first things I did that was bold was moving to Toronto when I was 18. Did that was bold, was moving to Toronto when I was 18. But that in itself was kind of an end point actually, because I loved dance. I loved dance growing up. I danced growing up. I was able to go to a high school that had dance. They changed their arts award to include dance so that I could win it. They changed their um, the there's like this program, a co-op program. They changed the co-op program so that I could do dance as a co-op and I just I was so lucky to have these people that really pushed me along the way to say like, yeah, you're, this is a passion of yours, let's encourage that.
Speaker 2:And a lot of people encouraged me to try out for dance programs in college and I did and I was devastated because all these people had told me you're good at this, go do this thing. And I felt like such a massive failure at that audition. I did not feel good enough, I did not feel like I had the technique. I felt like I was very mad at the people that had encouraged me to try that, because it was like why did you tell me I could do this? I can't do this, I don't belong here? And it was a really devastating moment until a few months later when I got accepted. Until a few months later when I got accepted. That was, I think, my first real semi-adult experience, with that feeling of failure and then the beauty that comes after it, because it felt like a failure until it wasn't.
Speaker 2:And then I moved to Toronto when I was 18 to pursue dance, which was so, so wild, because it put me out in the world on my own and I didn't have people to feed me or purchase my food or pay for my bills. It was really out me, just me, in the world, and it taught me a lot about what it means to be human and care for yourself and love yourself. Because it was me a lot of the time on my own in my apartment when I wasn't at class and it was an interesting time to contemplate things and see how I filled my time. Contemplate things and see how I filled my time. But beyond that, I think that was kind of the introduction into who am I, if I'm, if I'm going to choose to love myself, what can that look like?
Speaker 2:But after dance, I was in a relationship with someone and it got to a point where I really knew it needed to end. There was actually I was at one of his family members weddings and I caught the bouquet and threw it away. Oh, because in my body literally was like girl, this isn't for you, we're rejecting this. I think that was such a pivotal moment. I was like I don't want to marry this guy, this isn't my life. I could see where my life was going and I was like that's not what I want, that's not who I want to be and that's not the way that I want to be loved. And leaving that relationship was was heartbreaking for me and for him, because I hated breaking his heart. I hated breaking my own heart. It felt so gross and so necessary in pursuit of loving myself and creating a life that I could love.
Speaker 1:That's crazy. I want to pedal back just a little bit, because you had mentioned what it means to be human. So I would love to you, love for you to just kind of explain what that means to you, what it is to be human.
Speaker 2:Human. To be human is to feel. To be human is to choose. To be human is to know yourself. I think we're all unique and we create this cool community, this symbiosis that happens between all of us. But the world is a better place when we are each our own human. And for a long time I fell in line with societal and family expectations and I was fitting into a lot of places, I was making myself fit into a lot of places that didn't feel like they were really for me and at some point, you know, there were these little nudges along the way and these little moments and these little experiences that all showed me I needed to be myself.
Speaker 1:And was it hard being yourself, especially at 18? Like who is myself.
Speaker 2:It's still hard to be myself sometimes. It is just this constant evolution of learning who I am and loving that version of me. I actually have a tattoo on my wrist that says no regrets, and it's the most cliche thing, because I got it when I was 18, as soon as I was allowed to get a tattoo. But I love it so much because what it meant at that time and what it means now, 20 years later, is that I never want to look back and regret anything. Everything that I have experienced, everything that has been done to me or around me or occurred within me, has all created this person that I am today.
Speaker 1:And if I am meant to love who I am right now, I have to also love all the things that I've been through along the way, and that's a hard task, like I feel like I'm kind of there in my little journey of self-love is trying to love myself, the past versions of myself or the past experiences that I went to that maybe didn't feel so great, didn't feel so aligned with the human being that I wanted to be, and forgiving myself. In those moments, which I've been finding really, really hard, like I would think that I had, there was times where I was like almost thought that I had forgiven myself for certain situations and then, like months down the line, it would come back up again just by like a simple trigger, whatever it may be, and I was like, wow, I thought I got rid of this and I was like, clearly this is a deeper hold on me than what I was expecting.
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely rid of this. And I was like, clearly, this is a deeper hold on me than what I was expecting. Oh, absolutely. I've been working on this and through this for decades and I spent a lot of time actually playing the fault game like blame, whose fault is this? I pointed fingers and said it's their fault, or I took full responsibility and said it's my fault. But I really had to shift away from fault to forgiveness and I find that the more I forgive myself, the easier it is to forgive others, because we really all we're all trying to do our best and anybody that encouraged me along the way in one direction, whether that was right or wrong for me, anybody that gave me advice or taught me something, they all were doing it with their best intentions, yeah, and that is something that I've really come to see and accept and love.
Speaker 1:Actually and it's hard sometimes, especially when, whatever, the situation doesn't go in the way that you thought, and then you're immediately like want to play the blame game.
Speaker 2:Like when I said, totally, I went to that dance audition. I'm this cute little late little 17 year old, 18 year old, and I was, I think I screamed at my mom the whole way home. I just like balled my eyes out because I'm from London and so it was a two hour drive from Toronto to London and I just curled up in a ball and cried and I was like why did you make me do that? Why did you think I could do that? Like I was so angry at her and my teachers because it's like you told me I could do this and you were wrong. Why are you?
Speaker 1:lying to me Totally, and I don't know.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of us kind of go through that shift of, yeah, we're young and we are encouraged and we are impression and and at some point we have to start making our own choices. And it's a it's a tricky path to walk because it's like those people are saying that thing and they've been loving, and they've been loving and they've been honest, and why wouldn't that be true? But there's this breaking point of breaking from the um, I mean, the family bonds that we were given. I think a lot of people have different situations, but for me it was definitely seeing my family from the outside in. I grew up and I was part of this household and this family unit and it was around that time when I was 18 and I was breaking out of that and I looked at that from the outside and it was different and there was a lot to figure out and what that meant and what I wanted to carry with me forward and what I wanted to leave behind, what was true for me and what wasn't.
Speaker 1:That's such a big like aha moment at 18. Like I couldn't imagine like even thinking back at 18 and going through that and being like I'm just gonna go back to bed. Like this is a lot like and decisions are hard. Like I am kind of like, as you're talking, like my daughter would be that age, like she would be next year would be if she were to do in dance and do an audition to go to a university or college. For that like this would be the time and I think, like would she take full responsibility for making her own decisions, moving forward right, or would she immediately say, well, you told me I was good enough and I did it because you told me, instead of just like owning it and I kind of like I'm like would she, because I don't even know if I would have at that age, I would just be like no, it's easier to kind of they told me I was good at it, that's why I did it, and kind of fault them yeah, and I don't even know if I necessarily there were.
Speaker 2:Like I said, there were little experiences that showed me I'd have an interaction with someone and I would say something that was offensive to them but was commonplace in my home. And that experience of realizing like, oh, maybe that's not right, maybe that's not respectful, it was almost the experiences that made me feel icky, because I had carried these lessons up to that point of this is how to live, this is how to be a human, this is how to speak and be in relationship. And then there would be, yeah, different experiences or interactions where I did what I thought I was supposed to do and it left me feeling icky and it was like, okay, well, if I come into that situation again, I'm going to do something differently. And that is really when I started to like individualize myself, because I was then making a choice for myself, not because somebody else told me or taught me to.
Speaker 1:That's wild to have so much self-awareness at that age, cause some people might just be like, oh, that felt weird, and then that's it Like, not, I don't want to change, I don't, I don't want to look at this further. Like they could just be like something's wrong, like you know it was clearly them, not me. You, you know, like it can be very easy just to be like, oh, this situation was weird, it had to have been them, because I know I'm doing everything right, or whatever the situation is. Um, because I know I've been in those situations now as, like an adult adult, where I feel icky and I'm like, same as you, I was like, okay, I didn't like how this felt in my body, I didn't like how I'm leaving this certain conversation, or whatever it may be. How could I change this?
Speaker 1:Is it something about me that I, you know, that I need to kind of readdress? Did it bring up something that was old, that I thought I, you know, managed? Or was it about this individual you know, standing in front of me as well, like was there not a compatibility? And you know, try not to force anything. And I, I kind of like those moments because it allows me to evolve as a human being, and so, um, I want to talk a little bit about the courage of the breakup, like now, kind of like going a little bit more forward because you're talking about that and and to be I'm not quite sure at what age, but honestly, at any age.
Speaker 1:To catch a bouquet, immediately, toss it like it's like poison and be like not, not for me, and then to have that moment, that would be hard, especially when you feel like you're, you feel like you're going to go down that path, that same path with that, with that person, with that you feel like you're, you feel like you're going to go down that path, that same path with that, with that person, with that partner, and you're like, okay, this was not what I was expecting, I couldn't. So many people would just stay with it Like they would just be like, ah, we're already here at this point in the relationship, let's just kind of keep going.
Speaker 2:So it must've taken a lot of courage to be like yeah, no, I can't move forward with this yeah, I don't know what the time frame was between, like when that occurred and when I did end up breaking up with him. It was one of those relationships. It was on and off. We were together before I did dance school and then we got back together after dance school and oh I I remember catching that bouquet and it just like it was like a bomb out of my hands. It was like catch and release. It bounced away. My body was like nope, do not get this.
Speaker 2:I was so embarrassed because instantly I knew in my body like I cannot marry this person, and his mom is running up to me like oh my gosh, you cut the bouquet. Why did you throw it? I was like I'm not ready. I instantly came up with an excuse Like I'm not ready yet, but inside I'm like I'm never going to be ready. So it was kind of interesting to navigate that and trying to explain it away, because it's not like in that moment, at that wedding, I was going to be like peace out, buddy.
Speaker 2:Yeah we're over Somebody just told me I can't marry you, so we're never going to get there.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, that was at some point. At some point I just I sat him down, I had the conversation and I said I can't. And he had given me a promise ring, because that's when you do when you're in early 20s and yes propose engagement, um, and I gave him that promise ring back and and because of that I never wanted an engagement ring, because there was actually only one ring I ever wanted and that was a wedding ring.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, that's so beautiful.
Speaker 2:I just never wanted to have to give a ring back to someone ever again. It sucked, sure it did. I always just kept mine. That's so. Yeah, I don don't know, maybe I should have done that. No, then I would have to think no, I had to be done out, goodbye oh my gosh, that's funny um so, how?
Speaker 1:so? At what point did you start loving yourself?
Speaker 2:I think leaving that relationship was when I started loving myself.
Speaker 1:And tell us a little bit about that, like a little bit about that journey, especially at the beginning parts, because I feel like those are the hardest to get into, because sometimes, loving yourself, there can be a lot of guilt and shame. Um, you kind of have to let go of a lot of things, like people pleasing, like kind of going down the path that you assumed was supposed to be the right one. So tell us a little bit more about that.
Speaker 2:Well, first I cried a lot, a lot, like my dad would make me come to the dinner table and I would sob through dinner. But it's dinner, so we sit together. There was a lot of crying. It really broke my heart, it really really did, and it wasn't easy, it didn't. It didn't come easily at all, but there were somehow. Just I knew it was the right choice. So it not only was my first act of loving myself, but trusting myself, yeah for sure, and trusting that inner knowing. And once I finished crying a whole bunch, I reconnected with friends that I had lost touch with while I was in on the planet. Of that relationship, yeah. And I was actually quite fortunate because at that point I was really getting my footing in my career. I was working at an investment firm and I had shifted my love of dance into a love of movement. I was working out a lot and was kind of embarking on a lot of yoga at that time.
Speaker 2:I eventually became a yoga teacher. So I was focused on my career and my body and taking good care of myself. And, yeah, I would wake up and run 5k, I would go to work and then I would go to body pump and a hot yoga class and I filled my days with the pursuit of bettering myself and furthering my career. And I did that for a while and I eventually moved out of my parents' house, had my own apartment downtown. I worked downtown, I had a lot of fun. I also was partying a lot, so it was like work hard, work out hard, play hard. Every hour of my day was full of something and I was always with people. Um, and yeah, I was. I was having fun. Honestly, I was having a lot of fun was there a crash after that?
Speaker 2:was there a crash after that? Was there a crash after that? Um, it might have been just one slow burning crash because I spent yeah, I was, I was drinking a lot, I was drinking too much, there was other drugs, there was a lot of promiscuity. Um, yeah, it was. I mean it was. It was fun, it was explorative, but it was also numbing, like I was finding who I could, like I was really just trying everything. I was out there chasing what felt good, even if it felt good for a moment yeah, I can relate to that and it was.
Speaker 2:It was. I can look back and see like, wow, I'm so happy I survived and also, it was such a I was so confident. I, honestly, I was irresistible and I knew it. I love that and I loved it. I was like in my early twenties I had this great career at a financial firm and I was out at the bars. I could have anyone I wanted. It was like a wild time at the bars. I could have anyone I wanted. It was like a wild time, yeah, and, but I it also was like you know, there I tried to have relationships and they would fail because I was a bit of a mess and friendships would come and go because we were connected or we weren't connected.
Speaker 2:I was making choices that they liked or didn't like. So it was a big time of trial and error and I gained things and I lost things. And through that, um, I met the person that's now my husband, because we had a really fun summer thing and so, yeah, I, we met each other and I instantly was like I want him and I actually told him I'm going home with you tonight and he was like, no, we're not, because he actually knew my ex boyfriend. And he was like I know that guy, I'm not doing that. And I was like, yeah, you are, I bought him a bunch of tequila. Yeah, you are, I bought him a bunch of tequila and.
Speaker 2:I got my way and I felt like a fool. In the morning, to be honest, I was like oh gosh, I don't know if that was the smartest choice, but there was kind of a spark there. So we stayed connected and we sort of just got into this habit of hooking up every Saturday and watching football every Sunday. And it was a summer fling, because he had plans to travel the world and I had plans to climb a corporate ladder. It was never supposed to be anything. So winter came, he left for his trip and I stayed at my job and it was kind of devastating. It was like, wow, there was actually something there. It wasn't just a game, it wasn't just me having fun, it was deeper than that. And he got hit by a motorcycle in Thailand oh my gosh. And came home and we've been together ever since. Wow.
Speaker 2:That's incredible. It is. I love that part of the love story. It's just such a divine intervention Because we even talk that it feels like we've known each other for lifetimes. It feels like we've loved each other through lifetimes. There's a reason why we met. There is a reason why he got hit by a motorcycle. We really are meant to be and I'm so grateful for that that's amazing.
Speaker 1:You don't hear those love stories very often, not when I talk to people. Um, I was like, do I have like my story's? Not quite like that at all, but but they're just so. I don't know, there's so much magic in it. And when you had said, like when he had left, and it was more than that, that's like the. I don't like. I'm trying to put the words to it, but it's, it's that same moment of the bouquet, but very opposite yes, yeah, I've never thought of it like that, but it was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like it was like oh wait, this is way more than what we were both expecting.
Speaker 2:Totally, and we both knew it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it worked out well. It did for me. It worked out great. He had a lot of healing to do. Yeah, time to tie land hospital, oh my god. Yeah, he had like compound fractures in his lower leg and wrist, break all these things.
Speaker 2:But oh my gosh ended up coming home and we've been together ever since and and yeah, so he came home and we he started living with me shortly after that and we started talking about travel. He's like I'm not done, I am here to save money and get out there again. And I was like maybe I want to go with you, cause I know I don't, I know we can't be apart. The universe told us so let's do something together. And then I did. I quit my my. We found a way we lived together. We saved a bunch of money. We both quit all quit our jobs, sold all our things and flew across the world to Indonesia and we traveled for eight months around Asia, which was, in itself, a life-changing experience like.
Speaker 2:I talk about learning what it means to be human. Travel taught me everything about the depth of the human spirit within me and within others. There were so many angels that arrived on our path to help us along the way, people with far less than us, just these huge hearts, these kind souls. Traveling showed me that you can live differently, you can have relationships differently, you can view money differently, you can do family stuff differently, like it. Stepping out of North America blew my mind. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So, yeah, we wandered around Asia.
Speaker 2:It was the best time and it helped me really shed more of that Like, um, those expectations, expectations, societal expectations. Seeing that things could be done, done, done differently inspired me and I was like I want to live differently. This feels way better. This isn't just a ladder, this isn't checking off a list. This is living intentionally, creating a life that you choose and creating a life that fulfills you. So we came home with the intention to again save all our money and travel again. By then, we were hooked. We were junkies and he proposed, and so we ended up getting married before going on our 14 month honeymoon Wow.
Speaker 1:How are your parents through all of this?
Speaker 2:Scared yeah.
Speaker 1:They're like she let go of the safe guy. Now she's with this guy who she's so in love with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what has happened? Yeah, it was scary, especially like our first trip. Tyler and I had not. We had been together for maybe a year and I was just leaving my entire life behind, a life that they understood and supported, but they all, they were excited to see me travel and have these opportunities. I will, I often reflect back, and I don't know if this is common with every child, but I know, for it often felt like I was ready for things before my parents were ready for them. And so, moving to Toronto when I was 18, or traveling the world, quitting my job in my 20s I don't think they were ready for any of that when I was doing it.
Speaker 2:I remember sitting down and telling my parents I'm going to quit my job and travel the world, and I don't think they knew how to respond. I don't think that was something they ever considered for my future, and so, yeah, they were as supportive as they could be, but there was always this undertone of worry and concern. And.
Speaker 2:I mean, it makes complete sense. So it was a balance. I was. I was very aware that they were proud of me and very aware that they were afraid for me wow, that would be hard yeah, yeah, it was it. I think breaking from the expectations of your parents can be hard. Yeah, because they want the best for us. We want that too, but sometimes it's not the same vision, not the same picture, not the same path, and that can definitely be tricky to navigate yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've been. I can't necessarily say that I had a common thing, but I had a common thing with, like a grandparent where I think they had an expectation of what I should be doing or shouldn't be doing, and it was lots of like passive, aggressive comments. You know, every time we saw them, you know like, oh, of course she should be doing this and I'm like I'm content with my life, like I'm living my life. I don't need this is like when I started I was waitressing and they just felt like it was just like such a low level job and I was like, but I really like it, like it brings in good money. I don't have to work a lot. I'm home with my daughter all the time. Like why would I exchange this to go work Monday through Friday all day? Never seen my daughter. You know I'm getting home. I'll be tired all day. She'll be in daycare all day. I'm like I get to be home with her.
Speaker 1:Why would? Just because it's not conventional doesn't necessarily mean that it's bad or like a low level? Like I was just like I love this job and I did it forever. And I'm like I probably would still do it if I was doing it Like I always think about going back and I don't know if I would waitress now, but it was a way to get in, be in community. Like that was the only way at that point in my life that I knew how to be in community. Because I wanted to be with people, I liked being surrounded by people, I liked having conversations, but it was the only way that I knew to make money and be the person that I wanted to be out in public, like or not in public, but like just out working. Like I didn't want to be in an office, sitting there behind a desk.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was that time between my first backpacking trip and the wedding and the honeymoon that those couple years were probably the hardest ones. I didn't know how to fit into society. I was constantly in conflict with what I wanted and what others wanted of me, and I did hit a breaking point. So, leading up to the wedding, we were planning to have a travel blog. So we're writing this, creating this website, planning a travel blog.
Speaker 2:I'm planning a wedding which I put together in like six months because of the timing of things, and we're planning this huge trip around the world and I'm working this job that I have realized, I really don't want to be in.
Speaker 2:So I was really working and doing things for everyone else. I wanted it to be the perfect wedding. I mean, it was a small wedding, it was an intimate wedding. The plan was that it was a weekend full of love, so we only had like 30 guests and we rented this huge cottage for the weekend. But that meant I was planning an entire weekend full of events and collaborating. A lot of people brought meals to help out. It was a collaborative effort, but I was spearheading all of it and so I was planning all of this, all the logistics of things, the expectations of others oh, do I get a plus one? No, you don't. Do I get to decide who comes? No, you don't.
Speaker 2:Lots of different elements and working in a job that I really didn't want to be in and I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to get out of there because there was so much about my life that I didn't love. It was very much a like means to an end, like just show up and do the thing, and there was a couple of different points. So on my last day of work, I went into work so happy I was like this is it. This is the last day I have to be in this place.
Speaker 2:And then about 11 AM, I cause we had, we had cats and we had to find somebody to watch our cats and this, uh, a woman, like a family member, had decided she would take our cats. So once we moved out of our apartment she took the cats. And we were living with my parents for a couple of weeks and I got this phone call my last day of work that my cat had fallen off the balcony oh gosh and what I thought was going to be the best day became the very worst day, and that really was my breaking point.
Speaker 2:I couldn't handle anything else, any more pain. I was just living. Life felt hard every single day at that point and when he died I I turned off. I don't remember the next two weeks of leading up to the wedding. I remember telling people on my wedding night like I feel like I'm supposed to be happy but all I feel is depressed. It was, those two weeks were just like a real crumbling, but I don't know if anybody really knew it.
Speaker 2:I don't remember that time. So I don't know what I was like, but yeah, when my cat died it was my. I was just like that's it. I can't. I can't feel anymore. So we got married and then three days later we flew to south or central america and we had this huge trip planned and it was supposed to be so wonderful. But the first three months of our trip I spent most of it crying in bed. Oh wow, because I think it was everything.
Speaker 2:I had ever been holding Everything in my whole life, my career, that I had held it together for my family, that I had held it together for my friends, that I had held it together for I had held it so much in to make everyone else comfortable and make sure everyone else was getting what they wanted from me and I didn't. I couldn't anymore. And it was confusing, I think, for my husband, because we're supposed to be on this really beautiful trip and there was beautiful days, for sure. We did um like scuba diving and got our scuba diving certificates, but at one point we had intentionally chosen, on Ometepe in Nicaragua, we had found a spot we could stay for a month because it was like I need to find a place to just stay for a while, like I'm not ready to do this bouncing around backpacking thing just yet.
Speaker 2:And that was my most healing place.
Speaker 2:I would just lay in bed and cry and, and every day I would wake up and try to leave the bed, and some days I could and we would wander around the Island, and other days I couldn't.
Speaker 2:And I'm really grateful that he was so understanding because, yeah, it was a really really tough time and not something everyone knew or understood Even now. I think there's friends of mine that maybe don't realize that the first three months of that trip were so crushing for me or healing all of the things, but really those were like, I think, the remnants of a lot that needed to be felt and processed, and so from then I was able to be more me-ish and I say that hesitantly because then motherhood came and I had another crumbling moment, but up to that point it really felt like from those darker days on Ometepe, those early days of our marriage, I got to define who I was for the first time in a long time. Okay, I am now me, I am now a wife, I am now going to create my own life. I'm going to create my own job I've never gone back to. I did actually work for someone else, but in a different way.
Speaker 2:And so it was just nice to know that I wasn't going back, I was only going forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah exactly, and I'm sure it felt nice for your husband, you know, in those first three months for someone to actually care for you and to be there for you and to support you and not have an alternative motive or I don't necessarily know the circumstance, but like maybe to not fix you and just let you be what you need to be in those moments and encourage you what you know the days that you get out of the bed and and and walk along the beach and those things but also be there for you on the days that you are just in the bed crying and and sleeping. And I think there's something so beautiful about that, because not everybody gets that in a relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I honestly feel so much gratitude for that time, for my relationship and my marriage, but also for the time I was able to crumble and heal in my own time and my own way, and there's people doing that right now with children and a career. Yes, I could lay in bed every day that was allowed. That wasn't a problem. So I feel very lucky that I crumbled for three months, that I crumbled for three months Such a weird thing.
Speaker 1:It is a weird thing and sometimes it's hard to crumble, to feel yourself crumbling. I had, you know, a moment like that a few years ago, where I really felt as if everything that I had built was kind of caving in around me and in me and I had lost sight of who I was. And it was that same moment. It was that breaking point, like why am I working so hard and doing all of these things? And what? What am I getting out of this? What joy am I feeling? When was the last time I felt real joy? Yeah, I'm not feeling it. It's all weird and not the same as what it used to be and I don't like this feeling anymore. This is not who I am.
Speaker 1:And it was hard crumbling around my husband and my daughter and trying to tell them like I need to be alone. Like how can I be alone without offending you, because I love you, but I need to be alone. I need to be able to lay in a bed and not feel obligated to get up to feed my daughter or to take care of whatever the task that is around the house or pick up my phone to do some work. Like I just want to be alone and not have to have a need for somebody else to fill. Yes, because the moment, even if yes, because the moment, even if you're crumbling and you feet and you, you go to that need for somebody else, it still feels like you're ripping something away from you, like you're not fulfilling something. And it took a long like took a long time.
Speaker 1:My husband and I like sometimes I'd have those moments where I was just like my parents have have this hidden house. I call it's like my little Haven, and it's not far from where I live, it's super close and I can just text them. They're not always there and I was just like I need to go, I need to be away. I'm going to be. We call it the shack. I'm going to be at the shack for three days. They're like okay, and I like I'd have to tell my husband I need space and he's just like you don't love me, and I'm like it's I, I love you. That's why I'm asking I will be a better person when I return. I just need clarity. I just need to my brain to not feel so full of everybody else's stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's like this is the love story. Right, this is the love story. I did need to learn how to love myself, but I couldn't love myself if I didn't know who I was. And so it was those defining moments, those crumbling moments took away pieces of me and allowed me to grieve parts of my life, so that I could see myself more clearly and make choices that I wanted to make for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what were some of the steps that you took to kind of get closer to yourself? Is there one one thing that you still come back to that when you are feeling a little bit lost?
Speaker 2:Uh, meditation, yeah, Like my jam meditate, I'll, I'll meditate every day, all day. That's my thing. Um, during travel, especially my, my, my, my yoga mat. It was, it was my home, it was my, it was the thing I carried with me everywhere I went. So, no matter where I was, no matter how strange the place was, I could lay out my yoga mat and do my thing, and sometimes I would just lay it out so that I could cry. There's a lot of crying in this story. It was one. It honestly represented home, it represented safety, and I could go out and have these amazing experiences and and see the world and talk to people and sit in awe of all of it, and then I could come home to my yoga mat and cry. Maybe I was crying in gratitude or just like inspiration, or missing home, missing friends. There was, there was a lot of reasons to feel, and I feel very deeply.
Speaker 1:I love that Well, the yoga teacher in me is like loving the yoga mat.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i'm'm. Uh. I haven't been to my mat um a lot lately. I've moved away from the physical practice, I suppose, of yoga, but the the like, the teachings are there. Teachings are there, yeah.
Speaker 1:I always say that, like I didn't teach, I didn't. People are like, do you have a home practice? And I was like I'm very much a, it's the teachings that lead me. It's not the a, it's the teachings that lead me. It's not the movement practice, it is the teachings of yoga, I think. And for me yoga came in my early twenties, kind of at that point of self-discovery and and it really brought me to who I was. So I guess, if anybody's listening and they're like I'm a little lost, maybe go get your yoga teacher training.
Speaker 2:You don't even have to teach. I think every person should do a yoga teacher. I think so too. It's transformational, like the way you see yourself and the way you get curious about the world and the reflection it is. It is yeah, everyone can do a yoga teacher training. If you want to learn more about yourself, that's a great place to go.
Speaker 1:It's a great place. Honestly, it's in it Like I grew up in a Catholic school, so it kind of put perspective that I only really thought there was like one religion. You know, like I only thought that there was not, that yoga is a religion but it brings in principles when it opened my eyes. I remember coming back from workshops and being like to my husband like you wouldn't believe what I learned today, you wouldn't believe what is out there in the world, like so sheltered and it wasn't my parents, it wasn't like anything like that, but just so naive, so sheltered of the world, and that was really like the gateway drug to me, like, wow, I need, I need more of this in my life. And I went to yoga because I was anxious and I became a teacher because it really helped me and I felt called to teaching. I came to meditation because I was angry and it saved me. So I'm a huge. When you're like heavily meditated, I'm like, ooh, I resonate with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when we were traveling towards the end of our honeymoon trip, I did a Vipassana in Malaysia. So Vipassana is a 10 day meditation course and you do 10 hours of meditation each day and the whole retreat is silent. So you're not supposed to, you don't speak, you don't look at people, you don't journal. It's just an introspective week or 10 days, and I learned a lot about myself during that time. Yep, you are forced to Me and my brain.
Speaker 1:Yep, and that's the hardest part, like I think with meditation I feel like we're kind of going off track. But with meditation it's it's you and your brain. And I think for some I know for myself I always thought I could sit quietly with myself Like I felt confident in that. But in those moments of like crash and burning, it was hard, it was ugly, it was not, it was not fun, but every single time I did it, even if it felt painful the entire time, even if I felt like it's not working as I do like air bunnies I still it was still working, it was still doing its thing. I would still get off off my cushion and feel better. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Feel more connected, more in tune. Yeah, people ask me all the time like, oh, portia, how did you get in like all the meditation, like literally there's nothing else to it? So tell us a little bit about part three, so you we have reflected so we have reflected, I could love myself.
Speaker 2:And then I figured out how, by crumbling um and then the. I guess the next part is how do I also love other people?
Speaker 2:Because now, I have a husband I'm sharing my life with. And then we finished our trip, we came home, we started a new life and we started a family and I have a little baby and and I'm learning how to love myself while loving other humans. And that was a another tower moment for me was motherhood coming into motherhood. I I really fell apart. I really had no sense of self is what happened. It's quite the story.
Speaker 2:So I had a traumatic birth and and then it just there was a lot about postpartum that I was not how I thought it would be. I didn't have the kind of support that I wanted or needed and I was so fragile. I was so fragile that anytime somebody with their best, beautiful intentions gave me a piece of advice, I felt like they were pointing a big, huge finger at me, saying you're doing this wrong. So anytime somebody spoke to me, it was like you're doing this wrong because of some birth complications, I had lots of different appointments for my son. Of some birth complications, I had lots of different appointments for my son. So those early weeks were just riddled with confusion and doubt and appointments and I was, I felt, so far from him. I was spending every day with him, but it's like we can't get into a nap routine. I haven't had much time to be with him. My whole life feels scheduled. I just became a new mom. I don't know what's happening and about I don't know. Maybe a couple months, in, six weeks in. I just looked around, I looked at my appointments, the practitioners we were working with, and I realized he's going to be okay. So I canceled everything. I canceled all the appointments and I didn't do anything for like two or three months. There might be a trend there. Nicaragua stayed in bed for three months, had a baby stayed in bed for three months. But yeah, I knew I needed to connect with him and I needed to figure out who I was as a mom. Without the noise of other people around me, I couldn't. I could not take their advice. I really wanted to figure it out for myself, because the advice I was getting didn't feel right. It felt outdated and different, and and so I, yeah, I kind of shot a bunch of people out and canceled all the appointments and laid on my couch with my baby for a couple of months trying to figure it out, trying to let him nap when he wanted to nap, letting myself my body rest and, and during that time we moved.
Speaker 2:It was also Christmas, so it was a busy time. It was an interesting introduction to motherhood. And there was this moment I was in the bath and I realized I don't know who I am. I felt I don't even know if empty is the right word. I felt like a shell, like I had fallen to a deep dark well, and I was just sitting there looking up, not sure how I got there, not sure how to get out, and a few things happened. At that point I realized I need people, I need other moms and I I needed to start taking care of myself. So the two things I did number one I reached out to a friend. Well, I went looking for workshops or retreats for new moms and I couldn't find any.
Speaker 2:So I reached out to a friend. I said I have this idea. Will you host a retreat with me, because I decided I'm going to create the community I need? And she said yes. And the other thing I did was I decided I needed to do something for myself each day and I started a face care routine.
Speaker 2:And those are the two things that really saved me creating a community and taking care of myself. One small act washing my face each day because at the end of the day, I could look back and I knew I did something for me. So, yeah, there was a lot of beauty that came from that. I started a retreat business. We hosted retreats called A Woman's Return. It was an opportunity for moms to step away from their beautiful families and return to the woman they are.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 2:It was a beautiful time. It was really, really awesome. It healed so many parts of me, just like coming together and circle with other women and hearing their stories of bringing babies into the world and the interactions they're having with themselves and their family, and it was a gift, for sure. And and then the world shut down. So the business shut down and yeah, things, things changed again. I had my second daughter and yeah, I don't know where you want to go from there. Do you have any? Yeah, I, just I, I have lots. I've been talking for a little while.
Speaker 1:No, you're good, You're good. I love, I love how you brought up the motherhood piece and the community and doing one small act for yourself. Because my girlfriend right now is pregnant, her baby is due in two weeks and you know, I look at her like I had my daughter like 17 years ago. So to me like it was a different time, it was a different world. It's 17 years ago, it's not that long ago, but man is it way different? Yeah, way different, yeah, and I understand the advice and everything and it was very outdated and it was interesting back then. I look now at like new mothers now with social media and everything, and it was very outdated and it was interesting back then. I look now at like new mothers now with social media and everything and having everything at their fingertips and I see it as a blessing and a curse Because at that time I would have loved a different opinion from somebody that maybe had similar values that I didn't even know I had at that time to help me in the journey, rather than people giving me advice and I feeling icky about it, like I don't think I.
Speaker 1:That doesn't resonate with me and how I want to bring up my daughter or be a mother at this point in time, but I think the community is a key component being a new mother or just a mother in general to be able to relate to other people, because sometimes when we're mothers, we feel, even if it's within ourselves or maybe it's our baby or toddler or child that you're like, these things are kind of happening. But I just need to. I just need someone to listen to me out and to know that I'm not crazy or that they're not necessarily looking to offer advice, but just to like, literally just hear me out. Yeah, and those communities are so important because my husband just doesn't get it. You can, you can say all the words and you can describe it to a freaking T or whatever it may be, but literally just they just don't get it in some instances.
Speaker 2:I remember those early months. I would look at my husband and he's just having a blast with our baby, yeah. And I'm like why is it so easy for you? And his response was I just love being a dad. And I was like I don't. I don't know what to do with this information. That's too simple. Not allowed my whole world falling apart. I just love being a dad.
Speaker 1:That's so nice for you, yeah, and I think there's this expectations that, like you carry this human being for nine months and then you give birth, and then it should automatically feel natural or easy, or that you should automatically feel deep love for this being, and sometimes that's not the case. Sometimes there is a huge disconnect. There was a huge disconnect with myself and my daughter, like I was 20. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel or understand. And when I had other people say, like I just looked at my baby and I just fell in love, I'm like I looked at my baby and was like what the fuck am I supposed to do? Yeah, what is? What is the next step here?
Speaker 2:Like I don't even know I've never changed a diaper in a life.
Speaker 1:I didn't even know what like breastfeeding was. I didn't know bottle, like the nurses literally taught me in the date, like the two days I stayed there like how to do everything. I had no idea and nothing prepares you for the expectations of other people and what you should be feeling and what you should be doing and how you should be as a new mom. And I think I love what you did, taking just three months for you just to be with your son, to get to know each other, to get to know yourself as a mother, because it's this instant title that you have and it has so many different layers to it and it brings up a lot of other things from our own childhood, when we become a mother, and the things that we didn't even know were stewing inside like deep in the deep subconscious that are living there and you give birth and you're like I didn't even know this was an issue with me, like I, this was never, ever brought up and like in my body before.
Speaker 1:and so, yeah, like I, just sometimes my heart just aches for not for mothers, but for I don't even know what to put into words for mothers that feel like they have to fill the shoes of somebody else yeah, I think that's why, in both of those scenarios whether it was after my wedding or after childbirth learning who am I now like it, I did that.
Speaker 2:I figured out who I was by isolating myself, for better or for worse, because both times were very isolating and had elements of loneliness, but also really powerful and empowering, because I came out of those weeks or months of solitude a lot more certain about who I was and how I wanted to love myself and how, and just really, really passionate about continuing to create a life that I could love, that I wanted for myself.
Speaker 1:And it takes a lot of courage. Like I don't think people necessarily understand the courage that it takes and the bravery that it takes to be like no, this is who I am and this is what I'm doing, and this is the life I'm going to leave, and it's not going to be what you think it should be. Like I've had many people, like I've had a lot of jobs in my life and some that are super, super successful but that also kill me on the inside, and I would have people for months. This is my social media job, when I used to do it Months, years. I can't believe you let that go, Portia. You just let that all go. Do you know what it was doing to me? Yeah.
Speaker 1:It was killing me, it was destroying every ounce of my soul. It took a part of me and it took me years to get that back, not even to get it back just to reconfigure myself in a way. That's not worth it to me and for some people, they just, they just don't get it. You, you gave up all that financial gain. Yeah, I gave it all, up, all of it, so I could live. I gave it all up, all of it, so I could live.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you touched on a couple of really good things there the both elements of like the childhood trauma that comes up. I had a lot of that great in those early years of raising my son, looking at how I was raised versus how I wanted to raise my son, and that created some conflict with my parents at times because I was doing things differently and I didn't do it differently to hurt them. I did it differently because it's what felt right for me and it, based on, you know, the information they had 30 years ago was very different than the information that I was working with. I also had a maternity leave that was a year versus, you know, maybe two or three months when I was born. It was different times and, yeah, I had a lot of things come up for me in along my motherhood journey and a lot I often felt misunderstood and so when I became pregnant with my second child, I actually took space from my parents. I told them I gave I don't remember if it was eight months or nine months, but I was a few months pregnant at the time and I said I'm taking a break, I need to focus on me.
Speaker 2:I was carrying a lot of the trauma that had occurred at my previous birth and postpartum and I was horrified. I was so scared that history would repeat itself. I went into every midwife appointment and bawled the whole time. It was like pandemic life and we were given 20 minutes and I would always take more because I would just cry.
Speaker 2:And it was a really hard time because wounds I thought I had healed from my first birth just came right back up and it hurt.
Speaker 2:It hurt a lot and I worked with a therapist and could see that my relationship with my parents was very triggering and I needed space from that to heal. I needed to take space so that I didn't have you know, it was like I would walk away from every interaction, just feeling more pain and space for me to heal, to feel anger, to feel hurt, to find forgiveness. And it was very misunderstood by them, by every member of my family. But I really needed it and so I did. I went through that pregnancy and that birth without really a relationship with my parents and the birth was beautiful and the postpartum was beautiful and it was different and and now I am different I had to go through all of that on my own, without um, yeah, without my parents for that time wow it's incredible, thanks, I think I, like I have chills, like I, I'm kind of speechless in a way, because I know for myself I could never do that.
Speaker 1:I would just hold the burden, and I think it's. I'm always in awe of women oh my God, I'm like getting emotional of women who to stay true to themselves, knowing that it's going to better themselves, and that they're not going, they're not there trying to please others around them, and I couldn't imagine how hard that would be to tell your parents I need space, because they're still your parents at the end of the day to still be there, to stand tall in your decision and grounded in your decision, and to continue with one step in front of the other and and not go back and not, you know, fall back into the grass or, you know, be like, oh well, and just to continue and come out of it as a different Rebecca, as a stronger. Rebecca is remarkable, is amazing, is astonishing, because there's so many people out there that won't do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we're all strong in our own ways. I think it's incredibly strong to heal your wounds while in relationship with people who created them, and I didn't have that strength. So we all get to make our own choices and in our own way, and we all have our own capacity and our own strength and our own intuition and our own guides. I was working with some really helpful people at that time that saw me and my life in a way I hadn't seen it, and it was really helpful to have their support. Yeah, most definitely, because we think our life is normal when we live it, and to have um reflections of working with people who, you know, are therapists for a living and them say, like that's not normal, yeah, it was so validating.
Speaker 2:and so to have that validation of reflecting on experiences I had had, and you're like, oh my God, yeah, that didn't feel right and you're telling me it wasn't. Wow, that's thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I do feel like this is a good time to say that my parents are not bad people.
Speaker 1:Never once did I think that they were bad people. They are not bad people.
Speaker 2:They have always loved me and I'm actually so grateful for that because, like, watching your daughter walk away is not an easy feat. No, like watching your daughter walk away is not an easy feat. No, choosing to come back together, like I wrote letters to my parents and I read them the letters and left them the letters, and that's how I parted ways with them. And my letter to my dad kind of gave him permission to not be a part of my life if he didn't want to. But he is now and I'm just I feel so lucky Because I have tried so hard to run away from my parents and run away from my past, from my parents and run away from my past, and they just keep letting me be me and come back to them when I can, and it's just. I feel really unfortunate because we do have a relationship mm-hmm and it was rocky.
Speaker 2:I don't think any of us trusted each other in the early stages, but we are finding our way and it, honestly, it felt like an important step because you grow up and you're a part of this family unit and my perspective this may not have been their intention, but I still felt like there was an element of control or I needed to be their daughter. Yeah, when I really needed to be a wife and mother, I had created this whole family of my own and I felt I had this tether to still being their daughter and taking that space it it thinned out that tether. Of course, I'm still their daughter, but it doesn't have that hold on me that it used to. I can now be more me. I can be a mother and a wife and a business owner. I can be myself more now because we took that space, because I healed the parts of me that I felt so suffocated by and we're still finding our way. But I, yeah, I'm. I feel very fortunate that my parents are still in my life, even though I've hurt them really deeply.
Speaker 1:Wow, wow, I'm just kind of speechless, like I, just I'm just taking a breath, no, but honest, like I just I know we've had a discussion, we had a discussion like this at dinner and I know I should wrap up the episode, but you just kind of hinted on it a little bit and it's being your own person, but not just their daughter, and I know we talked about it a little bit when we had them at the one of the we Connect dinners and just about you know our parents seeing us as if we're still 18 and kind of leading that, and I feel like I, just with my own parents, maybe just with my mom, I feel like I finally can just be Portia, without an expectation that I need to be her daughter, in a way like the 16 year old version of her daughter.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that version I mean as a human coming back to like, how do we human? We are constantly evolving, yeah, constantly healing and growing and becoming new versions of ourselves all the time, and that is a lot to of inner work yeah and we might feel different on the inside.
Speaker 2:We might make different choices in pursuit of a life that we love, but people on the outside looking in don't always understand that and they don't need to like. It's not their life, but it can be confusing when, yeah, there was the version of me that was 18. There was the version of me that was drunk in the middle of the street. There was the version of me that was 18. There was the version of me that was drunk in the middle of the street. There was the version of me that was in Indonesia. There was the version of me that was hosting retreats.
Speaker 2:There are so many versions of me and I can see, as a parent, it's hard for them to keep up. Yeah, because I'm out in the world becoming this different version of me, and every time they see me I'm a little bit different. Yeah, and they always want to love me, but they can only love me if they know me and and I think I did a disservice by pretending to be a person in their presence for a long time and so, yeah, I I try to do that less now, but I am and will always be their daughter and I now am also a mother and oh wow, let's see what my kids have in store for me.
Speaker 1:Could be opposite Cause. I was like, and Lily is quite nice, but I'm like, oh, it's going to come back to haunt me, but maybe not yet.
Speaker 2:Time will tell. My kids are only three and six. Oh yeah, so you got lots of time. Yeah, they're still with me a lot and I love it.
Speaker 1:They're so cute and precious. Love those ages. Well, rebecca, I could probably continue this conversation much longer than what it is, but we we shall end here. It'll be a very long episode. I'll be like come back, but anyways, thank you so much, rebecca, for sharing your story. I know that sharing a story and being vulnerable is not always easy. Know that sharing a story and being vulnerable is not always easy, um, especially when we are kind of reawakening things from our past, and so I'm always appreciative of everybody that, uh, comes on and and share is a little bit about themselves for everybody to listen to.
Speaker 2:Thanks, thanks for, uh, yeah, listening to the story and all the heartache and love that's come with it.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love heartache and love. Yeah, it's my favorite genre. Yes, Same.
Speaker 2:I love it. It's the theme of my life. I love it.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, my pleasure.
