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Turning Fear into Resilience: A Story from Everyday Life
Have you ever felt your heart race with fear in a seemingly normal place? Join me as I recount a chilling encounter at a local Walmart in July 2024 that shattered my sense of safety. A man invaded my personal space, staring at me so intensely that I felt frozen with fear. This incident compelled me to open up to my daughter about the importance of staying vigilant and communicating openly about our experiences. This episode is a stark reminder of the daily reality of harassment and the necessity of mutual support among women.
From another nerve-wracking experience in a grocery store to the larger picture of navigating life's unpredictable challenges, this episode is a journey through fear, resilience, and solidarity. I share how a simple shopping trip turned into a moment of intense anxiety, making me question my own assertiveness and safety. Yet, through these harrowing experiences, I hope to inspire strength and awareness in others. By trusting our instincts and sharing our stories, we can build a community that stands together, reminding each other that we are not alone. Tune in to explore these emotional stories and the message of hope they carry.
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Hey, so I have not. I haven't really done this before, I have never recorded an episode in between seasons and just posted it at random. But I really wanted to share this warning tale for you. I don't even know if it's a warning. It sounds like it sounds a little dreary in a way, but the story is not necessarily happy either. And before I kind of get into it, I don't want to say that there's really any trigger warnings.
Speaker 1:This conversation is not about sexual assault or anything like that. It was more about stalking, a little bit of harassment and just feeling really uncomfortable in a weird situation. And to add a little bit of context to that, just a little bit about me. So you kind of know where this is coming from. Not that I need to justify it in any way, shape or form, but I started waitressing when I was 18. I worked in a kitchen at 16 and have been, have seen, been, a part of a lot of I don't want to say a part of, by standard of a lot of different things with men. I, you know, as a woman, as a young woman maybe for those that are listening you can. You can immediately go back to moments where you were gawked at or maybe persuaded or tried to be lured um, and a lot of situations where you feel super uncomfortable. Some situations you may feel flattered but still slightly uncomfortable. Um, you know, I've been, I've had, I have experienced a lot, um, in my younger years and as well as in my adult years. Even my younger years as teens, I hitchhiked a lot, and so this experience was a little bit different and rattled me in such a way I'm still having a hard time shaking it off. And I think the main reason why I want to share this experience and why I don't want to wait a little bit longer, wait till next year is because I think it's important to share this information, especially woman to woman, you know, mother to daughter, sister to sister, you know, friend to friend. After this had happened, when my daughter woke up, I immediately told her, in the disarray that I was, because I think it's so important to know that this happens in your back door, in your backyard, not at your back door. It could happen at your back door and that would be a very different conversation. And so this happened to me at the end of the July of 2024. And so this happened to me at the end of the July of 2024.
Speaker 1:I was shopping at my local Walmart and all was well. If you know me, grocery shopping is not my favorite activity in the world, so I typically just want to get in and get out and on this particular day I have never been so frightened before. So I was, um, walking the, I want to say walking the middle aisle, so like the main aisle when you're going to Walmart, that kind of gets you to the front of the store, to the back of the store. I already had done the majority of my grocery shopping at this point and I need you to go to the back of the store, to the dairy section. As I was making my way down, um, down to the dairy section, you know, the person that I am is looking at the down the aisles, and as I was looking down one of the aisles not very close to the dairy section, I spotted a man and he looked directly at me and I just proceeded walking. I didn't really think anything of it. You know, when you just kind of pass people and you make eye contact, it was kind of that, and I was just like whatever and just kept walking, kept continuing on with my task and I get to the back of the store where the dairy section is and I'm grabbing some frozen fruit.
Speaker 1:And as I kind of come out of the little fridge stall, I look up and there is the man and he is barreling towards me. He's not browsing anything, he's not looking at anything on the shelves, the only thing he is looking at is me. And my first instinct was like okay, I'm just going to stand here and let him do whatever he needs to do and then I'm just going to proceed Like I don't know what his intention was at that point. And as he starts to walk closer to me, he is like really close to me. He is probably less than a foot away from me in my personal space, pushing his cart, like if I move my cart an inch it would have bumped his cart.
Speaker 1:And to add a little bit more context to the situation, I my back was towards the freezer and the only kind of way of escape is ditching my cart, either moving forward with my cart or ditching my cart and moving in the other direction. And as he proceeded to walk by me in slow motion, it felt like he had the most sinister grin on and he looked at me up and down. I stared at him in his eyes the entire time and he didn't care. He literally undressed me with his eyes, ate me alive with eyes, and that wasn't even the worst part. So he did that. I kind of just give like a courteous smile, like what the fuck are you doing? This is weird. We're the only two people in the aisle, which made me a little nervous. Just to be like there's no one here kind of watching this. There was nothing really in his cart either. Just to be like there's no one here kind of watching this. There was nothing really in his cart either, maybe four objects and yeah.
Speaker 1:So he proceeded to walk by and kind of I was already at the end of the aisle and kind of leaves the aisle. So I had to come through other things in that same aisle and I remember kind of saying to myself, literally shaking it off like a dog shakes off stress. I was just shaking it out Like I was like that was weird. That guy is fucking creepy. Like, note to self, do not go near that person again. So I had to get a few more things on the other side of the store and I start making my way, still feeling a little bit uncomfortable about what had happened, but figuring I'm probably not going to see him again, it's just going to be something I'm going to tell my husband when I get home. Like weird, creepy situation as I start making my way back down that center aisle.
Speaker 1:Once again, I'm now hyper observant and I'm looking around and I spot him again down an aisle and he's basically moving at the same pace on the other side of the aisles on the direction of the front of the store. So I start to kind of pick up my pace and be like okay, I just have to grab these few items, I'm going to grab them and I'm going to frigging leave. And as I kind of get to the front of the store, I noticed that he's following behind me at this point and I'm now getting a little bit nervous because I don't want to leave the store now because this man is now following me in the store and I'm nervous he's going to follow me out of the store. So I start to think of things that I can do. I knew I had to pick up a few more things, which I had no problem, you know. I was like I could just grab those things, um, but I really didn't want to be in an area of the store where there was nobody there. So I immediately spot an employee that's stocking the back to school shelves and I kind of just take a quick turn down there and try to regroup.
Speaker 1:At this point I'm shaking, I'm getting nervous. There's no cell reception in the store, so I am trying to text my husband to come, come to the store to kind of save me, alleviate me at this point, um, but having a hard time getting through. So I end up staying kind of in the back to school section and there was a man there, a different man, guy that was similar to my age, and I literally parked my cart beside his and I pretend I'm looking at something that's very close to him and he's kind of looking at me like I'm crazy and I couldn't even say the words out of my mouth because I was so ashamed that this situation was happening to me and I felt as if this wasn't a big problem, as if it was all in my head not not necessarily like all in my head, but you know what I mean. Like you feel like this is something that I'm bringing on myself. If this was happening to somebody else it wouldn't be that bad and to kind of take a few steps back.
Speaker 1:I'm not a meek person. I'm not a person to kind of let things just kind of go, or if a man is being a particular way, I'm not one to kind of shy away. I'm usually pretty good at holding my ground. You know addressing the situation, figuring out you know what I need to do or whatever it may be. I'm not one to do nothing. I'm also not a person to be upfront either. I don't love controversy and not that this situation would have controversy, but it really felt like there would be controversy in this situation. So I stand kind of near this man and I'm just not really looking at anything and just waiting for this guy to pass me by. And sure enough, I look out and there he is, moving like a snail as he stares at me. Once again. Luckily, I think standing beside that guy kind of saved me in a way, even though that man had no idea what he was doing.
Speaker 1:But at that point I was getting really nervous. I still had to go to the same direction that he was going. And you're probably thinking, portia, why didn't you just drop your card and leave? I don't know, I really don't know. I think I was still very nervous to leave the building and I felt safer inside than I did outside, because outside I was nervous that if he did follow me to my car and something were to happen, is it just you know? Are the bystanders just going to walk by? Is there going to be anybody out there? Is he going to, you know, discreetly, follow me, you know, to my, you know to where my car is and get in his car and follow me home.
Speaker 1:Like I was getting pretty nervous about actually leaving the store more than being actually in the store with this person, and it was one of those feelings where I have been gawked at before, I have been stared at before. I'm sure those that are listening kind of know the difference between I don't want to say a harmless look, but a look that is literally just that, and then a look that has more to it, and that look had more to it and I couldn't understand what that more was. I didn't think any harm was going to happen to me in the store particularly, but I was really fearful of what was going to happen to me the moment I left the store. So I see him pass by kind of that final time and at this point I'm shaking, I don't know what to do. I still had to pick up a few things. I don't know why. In my mind I still had to fulfill the grocery list. Um, but I think a part of me thought, if I buy it a little bit of time in here, maybe he would leave before I had left. And so I walked to the other end of the store, grab my stuff and quickly haul my ass and once again making sure that I'm around a lot of people while I'm moving. I'm not trying not to go anywhere alone. Thankfully the aisle had people in it, so I felt a lot more comfortable grabbed my shit and left Anybody that knows me I'm a self-checkout queen.
Speaker 1:I love the self-checkout. I love packing my own groceries. I love seeing how much everything costs. I don't like to be surprised Like I'm just that's where I go.
Speaker 1:This particular day I went to a cashier because I did not want to be out in the open. I did not want him to see me out in the open. I did not want him to know that I was leaving. I felt like there was more safety and security and shelter within the cash. So I end up cashing out and closer to the front of the store you get more reception. So at this point I'm texting my husband and thank God, honestly, he was home. We were off that week. If he wasn't, he works 45 minutes out of where I live and, honestly, he would be the only person that I would call to come save me. The rest of it I would have just sucked it up and left.
Speaker 1:I don't love being vulnerable. I don't love asking for help and in that particular situation I still felt like I was in the wrong. I never once felt like I was in the right of this situation. I'm getting a little emotional because in my mind I know I wasn't in the wrong in this situation, but in those moments it really felt like I was. So I end up cashing out and I called my husband, texted him. I said I'm leaving the store now. I'll call you the moment I get reception.
Speaker 1:So the moment I got reception, like before I exited the store, I'm on the phone with him, calling him, while I walked to my car and I couldn't even put words together, like he's talking to me and I couldn't even and it was just like yep, yep, do you know where? You know where he is? No, is he in the store? I think so. I don't see him in the parking lot. And my husband finally asked. The whole time I didn't want to say I wasn't okay, I just wanted him to ask me if I was okay. And he finally did. And he said are you okay? And I said no, I'm not okay. I said I'm scared and I'm rattled and he said, okay, get in your car, lock the doors, I'll be there. So he came to Walmart, basically picked me up in my own car and drove me home.
Speaker 1:That drive home I sobbed. I have only cried like that maybe four times in my entire life, sobbing of fear, shaking of fear, and I still don't even know why this scared me so much. One it is one of my greatest fears is to be kidnapped, and I really think it's not a fear for myself, I think it's a fear for my daughter. I think that is the thing I think about the most and the thing I talk about with her the most. And safety in the world and being observant and aware of your surroundings and you know you can still have fun and be aware of your surroundings but to to understand what's happening around you is important, and I'm a very observant person. I know what's happening around me a lot of the time and this particular situation, even though I knew what was happening, it was so fucking scary and, as I'm bawling and shaking, my mind is going rapid I immediately was like is it something that I wore?
Speaker 1:Is it what I'm wearing? Is it what I'm wearing? Is this why, when I go out of the house, I really don't care. I'm like the free, the nipple girl and I only wear extra large t-shirts. So I wear the most baggiest clothes. I do not like slim fitting anything. Summer it's literally baggy tees and shorts and my beat up shoes. And I remember thinking to myself was my shirt too long? Was it covering my shorts? Was that too much? Did I bring this on myself? I brought this on myself.
Speaker 1:I shouldn't have smiled at him the first time I saw him down the aisle. I was just being courteous, we made eye contact. I remember, you know, thinking all of these things and just blaming myself for the situation, and never him knowing on the other side. It was like I had the devil and the angel on each shoulder. You know, the Portia that the port, the strong Portia that was there, you know, that's there, that's lived, that I've worked so hard to be um, or so hard to step into that version of myself or step into myself. And then a scared little Portia that's lost in all of it, that feels so small, so weak. I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how mentally balked it was in my head, telling myself it's something that I'm wearing. And then, in the same sentence, going Portia, are you crazy? It has nothing to do with what you are wearing. And I was talking to my therapist about that because she just was like horseshit, like you didn't bring this on yourself, you're allowed to wear whatever you want. And I'm like I know I wasn't wearing anything bad either Like I wasn't like and this is the thing like there's no good or bad, like there's no right clothes or wrong clothes, like I was just wearing fucking clothes.
Speaker 1:And it went back to that weekend. Before this situation, I, the Saturday, had to drop my husband off at a carpool lot with his friends. His friends, and one of them made a. I was wearing a very large t-shirt and small shorts, but I was literally just driving my husband to a carpool lot. It was not going to get in my car Doesn't even matter, doesn't even matter. I'm justifying it again.
Speaker 1:And my husband's like, oh, you should come out and say hi to everybody. And I was like, oh, you know, I don't know, I'm not, I don't know, I I'm not quite sure. Like my shirt's longer than my shorts. I'm not one to hesitate, like I don't typically care, but in that particular situation I was like I don't know, these people are a little bit more conservative, they don't know me. Like super, super well, like I don't know, like I don't know. And he's like no, no, no, just get out and say hi. So I get out, say hi to them. And I see my husband the next day and he goes oh yeah, one of them made a joke like does your wife not know what pants are? And I looked at my husband and I said I told you, I told you that they were going to say something about it. And immediately that is in the back of my mind as this guy looks me up and down because I'm wearing a long shirt and shorts and this is what happens. This is what happens when I wear whatever the fuck I want. Like this is, this is insanity. So I don't really know where this is going at this point.
Speaker 1:I don't know how long I've talked, but I really, I really felt compelled to share this. I wanted to share this. I wanted to share this because I wanted to remind you to be aware of your surroundings, to remind your children to be aware of their surroundings. I told Lily immediately I was a mess. I'm pretty sure I said this at the beginning of the episode. I was a mess, I'm bawling, I'm crying and I'm looking at her and she episode. I was a mess, I'm bawling, I'm crying and I'm looking at her and she's like look so scared.
Speaker 1:And I just want to say you know, this is something I feared when I would go to the city. Like this was something I feared when I went to Florida alone. This is something I feared in other situations when I was alone. This is nothing like. This is not something I feared going to my local Walmart in a town that I've been in for so long, in a town that I feel so comfortable in, where I don't always feel like I need to be looking over my shoulder to know that I am safe. And this is a reminder that it can happen anywhere in your small town, in the place that you vacation anywhere, and it rattled my confidence, it rattled me, confidence that has taken years to build, years to build, and some days I feel like I'm at square one, especially when I get dressed. Now I feel like every time I go out of my house I have to look at what I wear because I'm scared and that's sad, and I'm sad for myself for feeling that way, and I know that over time it's still very fresh. It hasn't been a week that, or I guess it hasn't been a week, or I guess it has just been a week that. It will get better and I won't always be checking to see what I'm wearing when I go out.
Speaker 1:That freeness was a little bit stolen from add, but I lost it a little bit there. But yeah, oh, I'm sure someone's going to ask did I ever go back to Walmart? I haven't went back yet alone. I went back about two days later with my husband, which my therapist was completely shocked by. She's like I can't believe you went back and I was like well, I have to go back eventually. I need to grocery shop. There's other grocery stores in town, but those particular items that I liked at a good price and I don't know.
Speaker 1:I knew I needed to go back. I knew I didn't want to be scared. I don't like being scared. I knew I needed to go back. I knew I didn't want to be scared. I don't like being scared. I don't like being forced or told nonchalantly told by somebody else that I can't do something or that I shouldn't be there because of anything. But I still haven't went back by myself.
Speaker 1:I know I will.
Speaker 1:Maybe I will tomorrow.
Speaker 1:I'm not today.
Speaker 1:Oh, I will, maybe I will tomorrow. I'm not today. But I just want this to be a reminder that anything can happen at any time in your life, good or bad, that will rattle you, that will shake things up so much that you didn't even know was possible. But I know in this lesson and it's not even a lesson in this experience, in this tale, I will come out stronger. I will come out more confident, confident, and I'll know myself better. And that's pretty much it. So thank you for listening.
Speaker 1:It was a hard one to share because I'm still living in it, I'm still moving through it, but I know in the coming days, in the coming weeks, in the coming months, it will be a memory, it will be a story I tell to other women to remind them that we're not ever safe, ever safe, and it's fucking scary and it's fucking annoying Not to lead this, not to end this on a sad note or on a dark note, but that this is our reality and it fucking sucks sometimes and it fucking sucks sometimes, but I do know that we're stronger together and the more we share our wisdom, the more we share these stories, or any stories, the less we feel alone and the more that we are reminded of who we are and the things that we have faced and the things that we have overcome, and the things that we have faced and the things that we have overcome. So, thank you, thank you for listening.
