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From Fear to Fierce Love: Portia's Transformative Motherhood Journey
What happens when your life plan takes an unexpected turn? At 20, I discovered I was pregnant just as I was poised to kickstart my career in event planning. Join me, Portia Chambers, for the season finale of "THIS IS WE" as I share the raw, emotional rollercoaster of navigating an unplanned pregnancy with my husband, Bob, whose joy added a complex layer to my own fear and confusion. From the initial shock to the extraordinary moment of holding our daughter, Lily, for the first time, this episode encapsulates the unpredictable journey of motherhood.
Experience the humorous and heart-wrenching moments that defined my early days of parenting. I recount the trials of dealing with engorged breasts, the overwhelming supply of breast milk, and the challenges of maintaining my pre-motherhood identity. Hear about the support systems that became my lifeline, the intuitive decisions made without today's digital resources, and the strain of balancing work with the demands of a colicky newborn. These stories highlight the resilience and growth that motherhood brings and the profound bond it fosters with your child.
Feel the tension as I relive the harrowing experience of a false Child Protective Services accusation that shook our family's foundation. Learn how we navigated the uncertainty and emotional turmoil, piecing together the puzzle of why our daughter was implicated. Finally, I reflect on the deep love and empathy that motherhood has instilled in me, shaping my life's purpose and amplifying my desire to nurture and protect. Join this heartfelt conversation and celebrate the beautiful, messy, and transformative journey of motherhood with me.
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Join me, portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shape them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. Hey, it's me, it's Portia, and it is our season finale, and I thought I would share a little bit about myself, and today's episode is all about my motherhood journey, and the season finale is always my way of giving back and sharing a little bit about myself that not everybody knows about, and I know there's probably a lot of you that are listening that know that I am a mother and I had my daughter when I was 20. But there is so much more to that story than just finding out. You were pregnant shortly after turning 20 and being a mother and what that necessarily looked like. So I'm going to take you on this adventure, if you will, of motherhood and how it has shaped me into who I am today.
Speaker 1:So let's start from the beginning the story of finding out. So I met my husband, bob, who was my boyfriend at the time, when I was 18 and he was 27. And I worked at a local kind of bar restaurant and I picked him up, oddly enough not knowing his age, not necessarily knowing who he was, just knowing that he was a regular and knowing that I wanted to know more about him and who he, what his thing was. So we had known each other for a short period of time, meaning it was maybe a year and a half that we had known each other before I found out I was pregnant. I had moved in with him in the, I had moved in with him in the I want to say 2006, september-ish of 2006 and found out I was pregnant. At the beginning emphasis on event planning. So I was in my last year, which was really the year to focus on events, and I never thought that my final year would be me pregnant the entire time.
Speaker 1:It was shortly after my birthday and, oddly enough, I was working at my restaurant gig. I was a waitress and I was talking to a fellow another waitress who was there and we were kind of talking about just different symptoms of being pregnant. I honestly don't even know why we were having this conversation. Maybe at the time it was a universe just slowly putting in my head that this is a possibility and I think she knew she was pregnant and she was listing off all of the signs and symptoms of being pregnant. And I'm standing there and my jaw is just hitting the floor, like my eyes were bugging out of my face, like okay, she has basically told me that I'm pregnant without her even knowing that I, that she was doing that. I remember kind of pausing the conversation, running to the back, finding a calendar and started counting what was my last period when are we now? And realizing that I was significantly late. I was about a month late at that point, um, and knew, obviously knew in that very, very moment that I was pregnant.
Speaker 1:My husband, bob, was away at that time on a work trip and I'm remembering having to sit with it for like two days until he came home. And I remember him coming home and kind of looking at him and I'm looking just basically saying like I think I'm pregnant. And he just lit up because he was at a very different phase in his life. He was 28 at this time. A lot of his friends were getting married, some of them are already starting their families and we're having kids, that we're trying to have children and for me, like I am just finishing my last year of college, like I am just starting my life. This was never anything that we ever talked about. We never really talked about marriage that often. It was just our relationship was still so new at that point in time and he said, all right, let's go.
Speaker 1:We went to shoppers drug mart shoppers drug mart. We grabbed a pregnancy test. Obviously, take it home. The moment I peed on it it just lit up. Like I didn't even have to wait the two minutes or however much time you have to wait, it literally just lit up.
Speaker 1:And I remember being in the bathroom just for a few moments before actually going out and showing him, trying to figure out how am I going to tell my parents this? How, how is this even possible? Like I know how it's possible, but how is this happening to me? I never really thought about having children. I never really thought that I wanted children. I never even really wanted to get married. It was just not where I was at at that point in my life. I wasn't even thinking that far in advance. I was like I just want to get out of college and get a job and do events Like this is where I want to go. I wasn't really thinking about starting a family or or anything like that and, like I had said, it wasn't a conversation that we had necessarily had.
Speaker 1:So it was hard because I felt like my life, my world, was crumbling in that very moment. And I remember walking out already knowing the answer, but playing it off as if I didn't. And we looked at it together and he is just beaming with joy, with the biggest smile on his face, and I am bawling in sadness and in fear and not knowing what my life was going to look like. You know, my husband is almost he's nine years older than me. He had his home, he had a car, he has an amazing, stable job and everything should have been like you're safe, you're secure.
Speaker 1:But it was still very much a new relationship and I had no idea who I was. I wasn't ready to stop partying or going out with friends or doing all of the things that I envisioned my life to be like. I wasn't ready for that to end and it really felt like an ending rather than a beginning. I just remember him looking at me, just telling me it's going to be okay, we're going to be fine, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, and I'm just standing there thinking, no, it's not. No, it's not, no, it's not. Life moves on and I don't really remember if I cried a lot at that time or if there was a lot of woe is me, but I think what was sitting heavy in my stomach was telling my parents and I think there was a lot of fear around that because I was a rebellious teenager.
Speaker 1:I was never the teenager that was taking the beaten path. That was, you know, looking to excel in school. I was the one was like when can I get a spare? Like why is recess over in high school? I just want to socialize and I just want to have fun and school and education is in my way, and I was rebellious. I obviously made not the best friends at those times. So going to college was a big feat for me, because actually determining something that I wanted to do and actually wanting to pursue something I think was big for me, because I just never really felt that that was something I wanted in my life. I think I just lived one day at a time. You know I was just 19. I don't know 18, 19. How much further ahead can I really look?
Speaker 1:And you know all of those feelings of when I was, you know, 15, 16, 17 in high school, in those rebellious times, and then being 20, finding out you're pregnant and having going back to my parents and saying like I don't know, I think the life that you may have expected for me is taking a very interesting turn and it was hard. And I remember going to my parents with Bob sitting down at the table and we literally just sat there forever and Bob's like across the table and he's staring at me and he's like come on, portia, you can say it, you can say it. You got this, you got this. And I'm like I can't say it. I can't say it. It felt like I was disappointing them. I think it felt like I was kind of disappointing myself because I felt like for those periods in high school I was never really going to amend to anything.
Speaker 1:And here I was in my last year of college thinking that I'm actually going to do something and this was not necessarily the direction that I thought I was going to be going. And sitting at that table just looking at my parents and my mom knew After a while. My mom knew, she knew it was one of two things. I don't know what the other thing was, but it was obviously news that needed to be told in person and she could clearly tell that I was nervous and a little scared and I think half the words came out and she guessed it and she stood up and she was so happy and she was crying and she was so elated and a weight lifted off. I remember my dad standing there, because the words actually never came out of my mouth and I remember my dad standing there going like what is going on? I am so confused right now and my mom just being, like Portia's, pregnant, and I think he was really taken back by that. I think it's hard because I think you have this idea in your head of where you want your children to go and what you want them to achieve, and I don't think parenthood early on in life is something that you see your children doing and I think for me it wasn't something that I think they really thought either. In the end, they were all very excited and looking back at it, I think, looking back at it now, Lily was such a true blessing and that is my daughter, who is 16, turning 17 this year, and she was a true blessing and not just because she's my child and she came into my life and she taught me so much and there were so many lessons and I learned so much about myself. I think she helped us all individually in our own separate ways.
Speaker 1:My dad was going through a period where, you know, empty nest syndrome. I moved out. My other brother had moved out. I think my older brother might have been living at home, I'm not a hundred percent sure, but he worked from home. My parents have a large house. You know it's very empty there and Lily kind of gave him that purpose to not necessarily get up every day, but something to fuss over, you know, something to worry about. You know another little person to you know, wreak all the best havoc in your life. And I think it gave my mom and this is just me outside looking in, I don't really know, I didn't necessarily have these conversations with them, but for my mom I think it gave her a reason not to work so much. It gave her a reason to come home and just bring so much fulfillment in your life.
Speaker 1:And so, anyways, that was kind of the finding out. So found out shortly after I had turned 20, obviously it was a huge surprise for me. Bob was obviously excited and surprised and there was a lot of mulling over. I remember having to go, obviously, to my job and telling them that I was pregnant. Having to go to all of my friends at school and telling them I was pregnant, which was kind of funny because some were so excited. Like they were like this is the best, we can have a baby shower. You're going to have this like big belly by the end of the year. Like we cannot wait and I'm like I'm so tired I want to vomit right now. I'm like this does not feel amazing in this very moment. But that was kind of finding out.
Speaker 1:And so, moving on to the birth story, I don't think that there really was a birth story. I think throughout the entire pregnancy I think both Bob and I were in a little bit of denial. Even though I was growing and we were buying things and painting the room and setting up our home for our daughter, we didn't know that we were having a daughter. We didn't find, we chose not to find out, so we actually didn't know what we were having until, obviously, when she was born. So let's move on to the birth story, or should I say the denial story. It really wasn't a lot of denial, but it felt like there was a little bit there, I think, even though we were setting up our home, painting the baby's room, getting all of the furniture, having a baby registry, going through all of the motions, having a shower. I don't think you ever really understand that it's happening. Until your baby is in your arms, you can listen to the heartbeat, but for me it was just so hard to believe that this was happening to me.
Speaker 1:I remember getting the book you know what to expect when you were expecting and reading it being like what is going on? I don't even know. I would go to my OB appointments and get all of my checkups and everything like that, but I think I was just so disconnected from it. I think I wanted to know, but I didn't want to know. And this is at a time like this is. You know, 2007 is when she was born, so this is at a time where social media was just becoming social media. You had Facebook, you had a little bit of Instagram. It was just a picture app. You know, if you're searching on Google for any medical advice, you're getting med, md or maybe some random blogs from people Like there was no credible information out there. If you needed information, you either are talking to another mother who had been in your shoes, you're either talking to a doctor, a pediatrician, um, an OB, or you're reading a book Like this is where your information is coming from. And so it was kind of hard.
Speaker 1:I didn't have many friends that had babies. To be honest, all my friends were in school and doing their own thing. No one was having children. Uh, and the few friends that I had that I you know from Bob's side that I kind of gained, uh, from my relationship with Bob only one of them had a baby and at that time we weren't necessarily that close. So it was really hard to ask for advice or really know what was going on. And I remember like the first time, um, lily, I didn't even know that that's what it's supposed to feel like. I didn't even know that that was something that was going to happen. I guess I did know, but I didn't know at the same time. And it was just, it was interesting. It was like I had this big belly with a baby in there, but not really understanding that I was having a baby. So the birth story now I'm getting to it.
Speaker 1:So I remember waking up. My husband was going to work. He gets up fairly early, it might've been four, 3.34 in the morning. He's getting ready for work. And I happened to get up as well and I was like I don't feel good, like I feel a bit off. I have a lot of cramping, I'm not quite sure if I'm having contractions, but I think something's happening. Like I think we're in like the beginning stages and, to put to add some context, I like I didn't have the same like signs that like my belly didn't drop. Um, I went to the uh, my OB, maybe the day before and he was like I'll see you next week.
Speaker 1:So there was no indication that I was having this baby anytime soon. Like it felt like it was no indication that I was having this baby anytime soon. It felt like no one thought I was having a baby at that moment and I was like I just feel weird, I feel a little off. And he's like no, no, no, you're fine, just go back to bed, I'm going to go to work. And I was like okay.
Speaker 1:So I remember getting up a little bit later, went back to sleep, getting up a little bit later and being like okay, this is still happening, like this is kind of even worse than what it was before. And this is pretty consistent, like it's not like just some contractions or Braxton Hicks, because I had that I think that's how you're supposed to say it but I had that before about a month before we were renovating our kitchen and I was painting and doing a lot of work and I, you know, did too much and I was having, you know, the false contraction. So I kind of knew the difference between one and the other and I was like no, this is pretty consistent, like this is happening over and over again. And I had tested positive for something I can't remember the name and those that are listening are probably like I know what it is and so I knew that I needed to be at the hospital well before I was actually going to give birth so they could give me antibiotics, and so you know, the thing was, if it's so many minutes apart, then you need to be at the hospital, or if your water breaks, you need to come to the hospital immediately. So I kind of knew where I needed to go. I remember talking, calling I don't know if I called the hospital or my OB in the morning and just kind of letting them know. And they just kind of told me what I needed to do.
Speaker 1:So I called my mother after she came over and it was kind of this weird thing because my mom had like a full-time job and for her to be off midweek was very, very rare and Lily was born in August, on August 1st. So this was August 1st in the summer, and she came over and she's like let's go walking. So she made me walk. I swear I got 10 K within like the first two hours of being awake. I remember walking and her talking and I'm like this is awful. And I remember like calling Bob being like I think you need to leave work. Now I think you need to leave work. And he's like no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. I was like, okay, okay, going back to the house. Mom's like okay, I need to go home.
Speaker 1:So I remember her driving me back to their, my my family home, back to their house and that's about 15, 20 minutes away from where I live, and they were getting all of their windows done that day and it was so loud and I'm in this house, curled up in a fetal position on their couch, like mid midsummer it was the hottest, like it was the scorchiest, hottest day of the freaking year. It was like the hottest week when she was born. There's no air conditioning on, so it's so hot because all of their windows are being done and it's so loud and I'm like this is hell, like I'm so uncomfortable, why am I here? But she wanted to grab a few things in case we were getting down to the hospital, so we drive back to my house. I thought, okay, I guess this is really happening. At this point, maybe I should have a shower, maybe I should tidy up my home before we leave. And I remember having a shower and I'm like swiffering or mopping the floors and my water broke. I was like, oh no, so I guess it's really happening. And my water broke. And that was like, oh no, so I guess it's really happening. And my water broke and that was a sign. And I just remember like my water breaking and I'm like holding the mop or something in my hand and I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, now I have to clean this up. Clean it up and we whisk away, we leave, call Bob on our way, saying okay, you really need to leave work now. Like this is really happening.
Speaker 1:It's go time and my mom driving me to the hospital, hitting every single bump. I remember just her saying like are you purposely doing this to me? Like you were torturing me right now? This is so uncomfortable. We got to the hospital all as well. They checked me. They break my water again, so I don't know if it's the second water. They didn't necessarily say I don't think all of my water broke the first time, cause it was. It was a lot, but it wasn't a lot a lot. They broke my water again and it just came on twofold.
Speaker 1:And when I talk about like I had no birth plan, there was no such thing as I'm not going to take an epidural or I'm going to cruise it out as far as I can. It was like we are just going to fly by the seat of our pants and figure it out. We took baby classes and my mom probably came to most of them because my husband worked shift work. And it was just so funny when I think back now and I watch women now who prepare for their pregnancies and their birth journeys and all of these different things, how prepared it is and how they have this vision as to what I want you want it to look like and everything and it's everything is so beautifully curated. And me it was like hot mess express, like I was like let's just get this baby out. I don't even know. Yes, yes, yes, I'll take whatever you give me. Now I think if I were to do it differently, I would have a very curated birth experience. But at the time, being 20, I really had no idea what to expect. When I was walking into that hospital, they tell you all the things but it really does not matter. The experience is different for every single person. And getting into the room, and, oh my gosh, I just remember everybody annoying me. I'm like get out, stop talking.
Speaker 1:Finally got my epidural, which made things a little bit easier, cruising a little bit more, feeling good. I remember I wasn't allowed to eat, which was torturous, because once I was, you know, feeling good on the epidural, you really wanted to eat because I could finally could feel hunger again, but I wasn't allowed to eat. Yeah, so I finally got, became, and then it was pretty like, it was pretty quick, like I went into labor maybe four, three, four in the morning, had Lily at. I want to say it's seven, seven, 30, seven, 31 that evening. So it wasn't breezy, but it wasn't overly long either.
Speaker 1:But I remember getting to 10 centimeters and they're like okay, we're going to start pushing and we're going to gradually push, because I got to send 10 centimeters but she had not dropped yet. So we needed to kind of slowly coax her way out. And I remember doing that and her heart rate was starting to elevate and everyone kind of got a little bit silent and everyone kind of scurries around. And then they're like okay, we're gonna put this heart rate monitor on her head, we're gonna have to monitor what the situation is, because every time you push it's causing her heart rate to go up. So we're gonna have to do this super gradually, like basically push, and then they would be like, okay, not that hard, uh. So that went on for quite a while because we slowly just had to get her to come out.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if this is too much information. Is this too much information? I'm just going to say it whatever. Um, this is the episode. Now I feel like I've only like few things in and I'm still rambling, but anyways, after I want to say a couple hours, she finally arrived into the beautiful universe came earth side and she was a girl.
Speaker 1:Bob almost fainted. Everybody was in the room, which was so funny. My mom was in the room, my dad was in the room, bob was in the room, my mom was on one side, my dad was just kind of like off to the side, like reading. Not when she was born. He was like very present and Bob was there. And I remember when she was born, bob almost fainted and my dad told him to like buck up, like okay, you got to get up to be present for this. Uh, he, especially when cutting the cord, he was getting a little bit queasy there. Yeah, she was born.
Speaker 1:She was six pounds, 11 ounces. She was super small, super cute. She had big, big eyes and she was hairy. My biggest fear was I didn't want a monkey baby and I literally had a monkey baby. She had hair on her ears, she had hair all down her back, she had hair everywhere. She had dark, dark hair on her head and it like feathered onto her face and it was just like this super soft fuzz. But I had the craziest heartburn I think. In the last two months of my pregnancy I only ate cold cereal, like the milk was ice. So, so, cold Cause, it was the only thing that would soothe my heartburn and I I was like a cereal junkie at that point and everyone would tell me you know, that means that your baby's hairy. And I was like I don't want a hairy baby, I don't want a monkey baby. And sure enough, she came out like a freaking monkey. It was hilarious. She lost it all eventually, but she was super hairy and she came out and she was beautiful.
Speaker 1:I remember holding her for the first time Someone has a photo of it and I looked scared. I looked scared. I remember she was crying and I'm looking down on her going. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here and everybody else is in the room, is so happy and they're like looking at each other and they're like celebrating and I'm sitting there going. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here. I don't even know. I don't even know how to soothe this baby. I don't, I don't even know. I don't even know how to soothe this baby. I don't, I don't even. I literally don't even know what the next step is. I'm so unprepared for this. It was interesting.
Speaker 1:I remember going and being in our room and the nurses kind of talking to me like I didn't know anything, which was very, which was fair at that point in time, but almost making me feel like I was going to fuck it up. I didn't know the difference between breast milk and bottle feeding. I honestly didn't even know that there was a difference. I was so I don't know. I don't know if I wore my rose colored glasses and just in denial, or I didn't know, or I just thought I would figure it out when I got there, but there wasn't a lot of conversations about it. And now when I look, you know, now in today, there's so many conversations about it. There's so many different options, there's so many different bottles and things.
Speaker 1:Like I had Lily before Sophie the giraffe was invented, like, just to put in perspective, we didn't have, you know, strollers where Graco was the brand brand that was the top-notch brand. If you were going to get a stroller that was high-end, it's like 10 options. There was a few options in cribs, a few options in carriers. It was very, very limited at the time and I think now, looking back at it, I don't think either, you know, limitation, like having limited access to stuff or whatever it may be, I don't think, necessarily hindered or helped my pregnancy or even, you know, afterwards, like becoming a mother and caring for Lily. I don't, I don't, I wouldn't even know what the difference would be.
Speaker 1:I feel like some of the little things like little, like they don't have swings anymore, like when we, when I had my daughter like swings were a big deal. They don't even make swings anymore for for babies. I don't think I've seen one in a video or in a home in years. Now you have like the cradling bassinets that gently rock them, like we had these wicked swings that would swing them into oblivion, like they would go so fast You'd like crank them. So yeah, so anyways.
Speaker 1:So we I had my daughter, I remember sitting there and they said you know, you're breastfeeding and I was like I'm breastfeeding, that I guess that's what I'm doing, and I just remember like boob out, like this is what you're doing, baby latches on, okay, this is what I'm doing, and I really didn't know they didn't send me home with any formula. I don't think. I don't recall that whatsoever. It really felt like there was no option in the hospital. Like the option was you were breastfeeding and I was like I think I had a few bottles at home. I didn't have a pump at home, yeah. So we were home. We stayed one night and we were home the next day.
Speaker 1:That was really that really put things into perspective, going home and really trying to understand. And I remember and I tell this story all the time and I tell it to new mothers and I tell it to everybody because I think it's just, it's so hilarious and it really puts into perspective how much I didn't know and how much you need to kind of have humor in a lot of things. And I remember, getting home there was people in my house. I did not love that. That was one thing that I did not enjoy. I wish I just came home when it was just Bob and I and we kind of had a few days to really focus on what this would look like, because our house was full of people. When we came home it was so hard to walk in to host, to try to be presentable, like. I didn't even feel like myself. I didn't. We didn't even have diapers, like adult diapers, to wear after the hospital. I think they gave you a few large pads and a squeeze bottle and that that's. That was it? Um, now I'm like people are, like putting their pads in the freezer and then putting gel on it Like nothing, nothing. I'm sure that might have been out there, but it was not in my realm.
Speaker 1:I remember going into our bedroom and I was having to change my bra because my milk had just started to come in and my breasts were so engorged and I remember my mom being in there and I, you know all shame goes out the window, like you are now you have. It does not even matter at this point and I remember taking my bra off to change. My breasts were so engorged so hard that the pressure inside of them, the moment I took off my bra, the milk started spraying everywhere and I guess in your mind you think it just comes out of one milk duck and that's not true. It's coming out of like 15 different holes in out of your nipple. And I just remember standing there staring down and just watching it and it's like everywhere. It's like all over the dresser, it's all over the bed, it's all over the floor and going everywhere.
Speaker 1:How do I make this stop? Like what do I do? I remember I got these like hard capsule things to put on top, which were hilarious because you couldn't even go out with wearing them because you'd put them over top of your nipples and it would make this huge bulge. And then what would happen for me, because I had so much milk, is that they would fill, and so if I tip down to go get Lily, all of it would dump at the top. And so I think I wore like seven, 10 shirts every single day. I think I was watching more, washing more my clothes than I was her clothes, because there was like I was drenched all the time I had to. It was insane. I could have fed a village and I wish now one of the things I wish I knew now or then that I know now, is I wish I knew that I could donate my breast milk because I had a freezer full of breast milk.
Speaker 1:My daughter never took a bottle. It was the hardest thing ever. She only solely breastfed. And it was hard because I went back to work after three months, because it was really hard being Portia Portia Parks I wasn't married then Portia Parks and then stepping into this mother role overnight, not even knowing who I was, and then only being submersed in that and it felt like Portia had left the building and I was the sole caregiver of Lily and it was hard, I felt. I felt this weird kind of give and take with it in a way. I don't even know if give and take is the right word, but there was a lot of emotions. I remember feeling envious and jealous of her to be completely vulnerable and honest when my husband would love her, because I never felt like our relationship was secure enough at that point to bring in somebody else. I felt very insecure in myself. I didn't necessarily feel that mother bond immediately, like I had said.
Speaker 1:I remember sitting holding my daughter for the first time and looking down, being like I don't, I don't know what to do, I don't want to, I don't want to wreck you. You're so fragile, you're so beautiful Like I don't. You're so perfect Like I don't. I don't want to mess this up. And it wasn't like I don't want to mess this up in the future. And you know have to go to you have to go to therapy, like I. Just I don't want to mess this up. I don't want anything to come. I don't want any harm to happen to you.
Speaker 1:And I just remember those first few months being really, really hard and I needed to go back to work. I needed to be Portia Parks. I needed to be somebody else other than Lily's mother. I needed to talk to adults. I needed to have adult conversations that weren't around when the last time I breastfed or the last time that she went poo, or did she poo or did she pee? Is she constipated? How is she sleeping at night? Is she crying all the time? I didn't want to have those conversations anymore because that was my life for 24 hours, seven days a week, and I went from college to this and it was hard, it was hard and it was easy, and it was hard, it was hard and it was easy. It was weird because I didn't know anything else.
Speaker 1:Someone had asked a question if I would change, you know, having my daughter younger, having my daughter a little bit older in life, and I don't think I would change it. I think I liked who I became. As Lily and I grew up together, she gave me a lot that I don't think I would have got without her and I don't think that if I had her too late, that I I just it's kind of hard to explain, but I really think I wouldn't change it. I think at the time I probably would have, because I really felt that my life was over. But now, kind of going through it, I know that my life wasn't over. I love the bond that we have together and I think if I had my daughter later in life, we wouldn't have the same relationship, we wouldn't have the same bond, because we grew up together, we had to learn things together, we had to go on adventures together and figure it out together. I didn't have all that reassurance and that confidence and that security then within myself. But now I do and I think if I would have had her later, I think I would have been a lot more harsh. I think I would have been a lot more black and white and less gray.
Speaker 1:And having her at that time, everything was gray, everything was fluid. I didn't know that there was sleep schedules or when you should put your baby down for beds or naps or how long things should be. I kind of knew when she had to eat food and when her teeth would come in and different things like that. Like I knew those larger kind of milestones but I didn't know. And so it allowed me not to obsess over a thing, everything Like I could literally just go through my day and kind of understand and and if something wasn't right I would figure it out. And I didn't have all this technology to help me figure it out. I had to ask people or go to doctor's office or just literally figure it out on my own, and sometimes that hindered like my daughter was super colicky and I think if I had known that certain foods or different things would have triggered her, then obviously that information would have been very useful. And it's not that that information wasn't out then. It very much was. I just it wasn't as easy to access. You would have to make appointments, there'd be wait lists, there'd be a lot of things when, here, you could go on TikTok, you could go on Instagram, you could go on the internet, on YouTube, and find information from reputable people where before it was it was not, it was not like that.
Speaker 1:So I don't think I would necessarily change anything. I, I love the relationship that I have with my daughter now and and yeah, I, I really enjoy it I love being the age that I am, I love being, you know, 37 and her being 16. I love that my parents are young and their young grandparents and, like my brothers, are young and I really, I really enjoy that. I I feel Like she has a great grandmother who's 90, 91. Like I think her being, you know me, having her so young gave her so much extra life. And I'm not saying that those that wait till later there's not, but just for myself I just she can see things that or be a part of things and experience things that if I had her later in life those things might not necessarily be there or those things might not necessarily be there or those people might not necessarily be there.
Speaker 1:And it was a great time in the sense that you know, a lot of Bob's friends were slowly having children after I had Lily. So we had a great community of other families that we could hang out with and be, you know, be a part of. So it didn't feel as isolating. But I think if I had children now it would be, you know, be a part of. So it didn't feel as isolating. But I think if I had children now it would be, it would be the same, because a lot of my friends are, you know well, they're all all older. But if I had waited till I was like 33, then I could have. You know, everybody else was having kids at the same time. But yeah, so the first year was interesting.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how much information to give or what to say in this. These solo episodes are so hard because you just feel like you're rambling and talking and talking, and talking. But the first year was really, really hard. Lily didn't sleep a lot, she was colicky. I don't think we really understood what that meant and it was hard. It was hard on Bob, it was hard on me. That was one reason why I went back to work. I just needed escape from it. My parents were so supportive and so great because Bob worked shift work. They were always helping me.
Speaker 1:I didn't really take a mat leave, because I didn't. I was a waitress. I didn't really have a mat leave. So, and Bob didn't take a parental leave, I didn't even. I don't even think we even thought of that at the time, which was which was crazy, he's. He said we were reflecting on it on the weekend and he had said well, you know, I took a few days off and he literally only took a few days off. I had Lily on a Wednesday and he went back to work and it was a holiday. He went back to work on a Tuesday. He took six days off and then I was there alone and I think at the time we just didn't know better, I just don't. His job was important to him and he wanted to excel in his job and I wanted him to excel in his job and I didn't want to be the reason that he stayed home.
Speaker 1:Like I had said, like our relationship was so new, that communication was sparse. It was there, but it was sparse. Deep communication Like this is what I'm feeling. This is how I need help. I didn't know how to ask for help. I asked for help when I was in dire need, when I didn't know what to do, when I was bawling and couldn't figure it out anymore, like that's when I was asking for help. I wasn't asking for help when I really truly needed it from the very beginning and so, yeah, so it was basically Lily and I.
Speaker 1:After that first year, my husband worked shift work, so he was two weeks on days, two weeks on afternoons. Um, about six months after she was born, I went back to work more regularly. I think I went back to work two nights a week to short shifts. So my husband watched my daughter, or my husband, my parents watched my daughter a lot, which was great. I think I think that's the best part of it in a way. I'm so happy that I went back to work and I gave my parents the opportunity to be amazing grandparents and to be very supportive of me and in that role and like my dad and Lily were two peas in a pod. They were so funny.
Speaker 1:He would like teach her things, and especially when they're young and eager to learn and their minds are just and they're little like when they're like eight, nine months and they're, and that you can just get them to do the most cutest things and he would just get her. And it was cute Like my brothers were home at that time and and their friends would be over and she was always surrounded by so much love and so many people and people that just like just I don't want to say gawked over her because that's not the right word but just like she was the only thing. She was the apple of everybody's eye. She just had everybody wrapped around her fingers. It was just so cute. But the first year was hard and I feel like after she turned a year it got a little bit better. It felt like things were kind of moving and grooving as well.
Speaker 1:But what I really want to say is that throughout my whole journey of being a mother probably up until maybe double digits or so it was very, very lonely. My husband worked a lot and this is one of his biggest regrets is that he worked too much when she was young and that he missed a lot. And you know, I didn't necessarily overcompensate and we didn't overcompensate compensate for that or the lack of him being there, because I that sounds so negative and it's not just his priorities were just in a different space and he, yeah, he missed a lot, but I had amazing friends that made up for it and we did a lot of adventures together and we did things together. I don't want to say like we never did anything and I don't want to shine Bob into a bad light or anything like that, because as much as he was absent when he was there, he was there to the best of his ability, but it was hard.
Speaker 1:I think parenthood, when it's a surprise, forces you to grow up in nine months or less, and I had to grow up in nine months or less. I didn't have a choice. I knew that I wanted to be there for my daughter. I don't. I really just didn't even think that there was another option, I think for me I felt like that was just the only choice, that I had to be there and had to be a part of her life and everything like that. And and Bob gave me that because he took on the role of working and took on the role of breadwinner so I could be home and I could be there for her, and it was a big thing for us for her not to be in daycare. We really wanted to be able to work our schedule so I could stay home with her during the day and work at night. But I only did that for about five years and then I had to quit when she went into her second year of kindergarten and then had to readjust as to what I was going to do and how I was going to be, you know, working and a mother at the same time.
Speaker 1:But it was lonely. It was, it was very lonely, it was very isolating, especially when you don't know what you're doing. Or, yeah, like we co-slept with our daughter for years, probably up until she was four or five, because we both worked very different shifts and my husband was always scared because he slept so hard that if she wasn't in the same room as him he would never hear her if she needed him. So it was always gave him comfort if she slept. Like we had a big king bed and we just got so used to it. It was, it was amazing because I worked so late and and she would just sleep in with me and she, you know it was. It wasn't until she went to kindergarten full time where she actually went into her bed and started sleeping like in her bed and we had to train her, which was so funny because it was, it was interesting. I breastfed her until she was over two. I didn't even know, like when you were supposed to stop. I it's just, it's, it's interesting and for those that are listening, like just want you to know that, like, you're not alone, like my daughter may be 16 and it looks like we have a great relationship and all of these different things.
Speaker 1:But it was hard, it was a struggle. There was so many ups and downs, there was so many twists and turns, there were so many moments of questioning myself and wondering if I was doing the right thing or if I was fucking her up or you know, and you're trying to stay true to your morals and your values and you're trying to instill that in your own child and you're trying to, you know, keep your own head on while they're freaking out and having a temper tantrum. Like she was an emotional child, she had lots of different outbursts and and it was hard, because at that time, you know, nervous system regulation for children or for anybody was was not a thing and and children were best seen, not heard, and if your child was having a temper tantrum, then that is the parent's fault, that is not the child's fault. And it was this whole thing of you know, people looking at you the wrong way, and the only people that were looking at with you with sympathy is another mother, because they can actually understand, like, what is going through your mind. You think I want my child to have a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, um, when it's like the busiest right now. No, I don't. You know you think I want to give my child anything in this moment for her, for them to stop. Yes, I do, but I also have to stick, hold my ground and stick with it and, and you know, keep my rules in place and and it's hard like being a parent is hard and your children are constantly changing and you are constantly changing and they bring up your own traumas and your own triggers. And that's what Lily did for me.
Speaker 1:Like she brought up a lot of things that were not resolved in my in my body and in my mind and instilled a lot of fear in me. Like I have a huge trust issue. I have a massive trust issue. You know I don't trust anybody. I don't trust anybody around my daughter and obviously I trust my parents and my husband and and and you know they've earned my trust and and different things like that that's different. But like I I have a very hard time and you know I'm not to trying to instill fear into my own daughter and say, like, don't trust anybody, but like I have a very hard time with that and especially with social media and having everything at your fingertips.
Speaker 1:Like I've witnessed the good and the bad within that, within my own experiences with Lily. Like I always say to my mother and to other people, like, even though I have one child, she's giving me all of the experiences, both up and down, struggle and hardship and love in one child. We've had many things kind of happen and things like that. So I'm going to give you my favorite times and I'm going to give you my biggest struggle. And I don't even know if this is my biggest struggle, but this was a time when I really felt so out of control as a parent and so desperate and so confused and so lost and it was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. And I think the struggle came after and I think this is where my trust issues don't necessarily stem from but I think it festered in that and proved me right instead of proved me wrong. So I'll start there and then we'll get into the good stuff and then that's it.
Speaker 1:So my biggest struggle happened when my daughter was, I want to say, in grade two, maybe grade one, I want to say in grade two, maybe grade one, and it was just at the end of the year, it was in June, at the end of the school year, and my husband and I, every single year, would go to our my parents' home down South, and so we would go for about two weeks. He always had time off in June, so we would go for two weeks and we would always leave the school year early, usually like three or four days and so we went on vacation. We had an amazing time. I think my brother looked after our house. We came home to a stack of mail which you would do, which you would have after being away.
Speaker 1:And as we start going through the mail, we start to see all of these letters from CAS, child Protective Services, or Child's C-A-S, I don't know. Anyways, child Protective Services and all of these letters. And we're like what are these letters from? What is this about? We're so confused. We just show up home, we start listening to our messages and we have tons of messages from them. Give us a call, da da, da, da da. The letters are the same there's been a complaint filed against you. You need to give us a call. There's a case open. You need to call us.
Speaker 1:So we arrive home on a Friday late afternoon and I give them a call and they said you know what? Your caseworker's not in, so you're going to have to wait till Monday. And I said I can't wait till Monday. What? You need to tell me what is going on right now. And they said we've had some complaints called on. Your child or your child's name has been brought up and you're going to have to wait for the caseworker. And they hung up the phone and my husband and I had to sit and stew on that for three days. We have no idea what it's about. We don't know anybody else that's getting those letters. We don't know what they are talking about. We are so confused and yet so alarmed. You have this unsettling feeling in your stomach. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you're looking at your child going what happened and you can't say that to them, like I can't say to Lily and she here and be like what happened to you, what's going on? Why are they doing this?
Speaker 1:And Monday comes and the caseworker calls and tells us that we had a few files, a few phone calls with our daughter's name had come up and they said they specifically said her name first and last. And they said you know, your daughter wasn't the only one, there was other children involved. But we can't necessarily say over the phone we need to have a meeting and it's not like these things happen quickly, they take forever. So later that week we had a meeting. So we had a meeting with Bob and I together and then they have a meeting with Lily separately.
Speaker 1:At this point, we still have no idea what this is about, what this is regarding. We just know something had happened and there was a few different phone calls around different situations, so it wasn't like one situation had happened. It was other situations that have other things that happened and I'm not necessarily going to go into detail of what had happened. The caseworker sat us down and basically talks about all of the accusations and they kind of asked you like a few questions in advance, like who have you been around? Do you do this, do you do that? Where were you on this day? Different things like that. And we just kept coming like I don't know, like we were, like I don't. I don't think we were anywhere on that day, or if we were, we were at this person's place or we were doing this or here.
Speaker 1:And they start talking about the accusations and some of the things happened at school. Some of the things happened in people's homes, um, in several people's homes. Obviously there was harm to children. There was evidence that there was harm to a child and that child was harming other children and they needed to understand where it was coming from, because obviously these things are not normal in this age and obviously, yeah, it came from somewhere and they were trying to figure out where it came from. And so they're naming these children. And I'm like I don't even know who those kids are. I didn't even know those people were in her class. Like I don't know who you're talking about. They're like where were you on this day? I was like I, we weren't there. What did you do for New Year's this year? We didn't do anything. We stayed home. Were you at this place at this time? No, we weren't.
Speaker 1:And everything that they're saying you're listening to what had happened to these children. And then they're asking you all these days and you're mortified. You're sitting there mortified. You can't even have a clear thought, because all you're thinking about are these poor children and my poor child. But as she continued talking, it became relatively evident to me that this wasn't my child that they were talking about, but they were so pressed that it was. But everything that they were saying, every single person, I couldn't understand. So they have a conversation with her and they come down. She's like, yeah, everything's fine, but I still need to have a conversation with all of the other people and you were the first person, so this could take, you know five days I was like okay, and I remember every day after I get choked up every day after looking at Lily dead in her eyes and just begging her to tell me what happened.
Speaker 1:Like begging her just tell me what happened, tell me you're not in trouble. Tell me, just tell me it's okay, you're safe, I love you. Like I don't want anything, I don't want any harm to happen to you. What? Like just tell me what happened. And she'd look at me and she'd be like nothing happened, mom. Like nothing happened, nothing, nothing. And I'm like okay, okay, and I don't, I don't think I ate for two weeks. I don't think I slept for two weeks. I think I cried the entire time. Anytime I was alone I was crying. Anytime I was around people I was putting on a front, I was dying on the inside.
Speaker 1:And I remember getting in my car and I'm driving somewhere and I called the caseworker and I left her a message and I said deep down in my soul, who you are talking about is not my child. I said I know this is not my child. And I said every cell in my body tells me this is not my child. And I said I truly, truly believe that you have the wrong person. You have the wrong person. She called me two days later and told me I had the wrong person. Like, let that fucking sink in.
Speaker 1:We lived in torture for over two weeks to be told nonchalantly that they got the wrong person with a casual story. I'm just doing my job and I remember obviously being so relieved, even knowing that I knew that that wasn't my child, but also knowing that I hold the stories of those children and what had happened to them, knowing that this happens in my hometown, in my subdivision, where I live, in the school that my daughter goes to A story doesn't erase those things, it doesn't fix it. I just felt like it's so hard because it's like, of course you need to do your job, you need to find out who these people like. Of course, of course I understand that, of course I'm going to help, of course.
Speaker 1:But after hearing all of that, it was so hard. It was so hard to trust a lot of things. To be honest, it was hard to trust a lot of people. To be honest, I don't think I looked at anything the same after that and it was hard because it hardened me in a way, it stripped me of my compassion and of my kindness. It made me look at everybody as a bad guy. It was crazy. It was emotionally damaging. God, this is hard and I don't know why I want to share this story and I think I just. I share it because I want other people to know.
Speaker 1:And so we fought actually them after, because the worst part was is that we were all in the system and it wasn't that we feared that we would get another phone call on us, but if we did, we were doomed. We were in a lot of trouble. Even though we did nothing wrong, they wouldn't remove us from the system. They sent us a letter after I fought with them for two months that basically says that we did nothing in case we did get a phone call, because now you didn't trust anybody. It was hard, but it reminded me that I will always protect my daughter. I will always advocate for her. I will always advocate for her. It reminded me to listen to my intuition, to my gut feeling, to know deep down that it wasn't. I think it was the first time I actually listened to my intuition. That actually stood my ground, especially in a matter like that, where I think they kind of just wanted us to roll over and be okay with it, be okay with the accusations.
Speaker 1:It was a hard. It was a hard moment and it reminded me that I can do hard things, that I love my child deeply, that I would literally jump in front of a moving vehicle for her, that her well-being is my top priority in my life. So, yeah, that was probably one of the biggest struggles being a parent, and it wasn't until she was like five or six. There's lots of other different struggles, of course not sleeping at night, not eating food for transrooms. Technology was a struggle. Holding your ground is always a struggle, but that was one of my biggest ones. That is a story. That is an experience that never feels easier every single time I talk about it and I don't talk about it often. It was one of those times where, yeah, it's a hard one. It's a hard one to swallow, so maybe I should have started with a trigger warning. So onto the good times. Right, let the good times roll.
Speaker 1:So I think one of my favorite moments of being a mother is always watching your children grow into who they are, into their personalities, even when they drive you crazy. Watching them flourish, I think is the best when she was younger. I think one of the things that I love the most is the beginner's eye. I love this in children, where they're still so pure. I love this in children where they're still so pure. They have no idea what's ahead of them. They love everything, and everything is new and exploratory to them, and experiencing the world through their lens as an adult is the best gift. Honestly, it is always there, it never goes away, and I think that was one of my favorite things was for her to experience the beach for the first time, or cold water or a lemon or different foods, going on a swing, doing things that I love, doing things that Bob loves for the first time and watching their brains work and making it into their own, and seeing if they're creative or athletic or love animals or scared of animals, or, you know, love taking up space or you know, like being playing small, like it's so amazing to watch them grow up and and see the world in that way. I think it's so remarkable and you know there's always this advice from parents like everything goes by so fast, but and it does everything goes by so fast. In a blink of an eye they're 16. But I think any advice that I would give to any parent would be cherish the moments of exploring, cherish the moments of them seeing something for the first time or tasting something for the first time. Join them in on that, be a part of that. I think that is truly the best gift. As an adult, it's a gift for your inner child, it's a gift for yourself and it's a gift for your child your own child, not your inner child.
Speaker 1:That too, and as she she's older, I think what I love most is there's a few things. I love our conversations. I love our conversations about music and how we make fun of each other and seeing. You know how that is. Like Lily doesn't like being laughed at, which I don't really care if I'm laughed at. I did care, probably at some point in time, but I don't really care anymore. I just kind of go with it now. But she hates it and we always bug her about it because she's like stop laughing at me, me, and we're like we're not laughing at you. And we always call her Cam from Modern Family, because he hates that too. He hates being laughed at. So we always say stop being such a Cam. And she kind of laughs about it and it reminds her to you know, not take things so seriously. Not everything and not every time someone's laughing is at you or about you. It could be about something completely different.
Speaker 1:So I think I love that, I love the conversations and I love seeing her step outside of her comfort zone and doing something and me being the person that gets to support her in that the other day she had to go through the drive-thru. She's driving on her own, without me in the car, and she had to order her food and I know when she called me after dropping her friends off, that's what she wanted to do and she was so hesitant about it and so worried about everything about it. I think I don't even really know and I just remember being like it's going to be easy, like we'll just stay on the phone. This is what you say. You just say, hey, can I order this, this and this? Or you know, wait for them. Or you know it's. I said, don't worry about it, it's, it's your first time. No one's expecting you to be perfect on the first time and it's been nice seeing her step outside of her comfort zone, pushing her own limits and, like I said, being there to support her when she needs support and she's done amazing things. Amazing things over the last few years and her last couple years and really stepping outside of her shell and understanding what she loves.
Speaker 1:And so this is my motherhood story. I feel like it's very long. Maybe I'll edit it down a little bit, but I'm not going to really take anything out. Maybe I'll edit it down a little bit but I'm not going to really take anything out, and I don't even really know what to add. And I feel like if there's lots of feedback and lots of questions, maybe I'll I'll do another episode just to kind of answer everything and talk about everything. But motherhood is crazy. I couldn't imagine doing it later in life, to be honest.
Speaker 1:You know, having a newborn and and having a baby, but I would welcome it with open arms and the same breath, I think having everything at your fingertips is super helpful and very hindering. At the same time, I think it adds to a lot of anxiety in being a mother. I didn't have that Like. Obviously I had anxiety, but I didn't have everything at my mother. I didn't have that Like. Obviously I had anxiety, but I didn't have everything at my fingertips. I couldn't Google anything and like WebMD, was so terrible that it was basically like just go to the hospital. You just didn't really have much outside information to count on, unless you're buying a book or, once again, listening from another mother.
Speaker 1:And and yet those experiences were so different. You know, my sister-in-law had my nephew three weeks after I had mine and she chose to bottle feed and and, and how she raised her son is very different than how I raised my daughter and, and some of our experiences were very similar, but some of our experiences were so very different and she couldn't necessarily offered me advice and some of the things that were happening to me at that time and if I didn't know anybody else that was going through it, then that's kind of I was just left on my own to figure it out, but I enjoyed looking back. That wasn't the biggest struggle in not knowing. I think there are so many other things and I really just wanted my daughter to be happy and to be healthy and to know that she is loved just as she is.
Speaker 1:And yeah, there's so many different things that I think we did as parents Bob and I, as parents that were so new, like that people do now that people didn't do before, like we didn't do a lot of gender stuff, um, like girls or boys stuff. You wore a lot of like neutral clothes and, um, yeah, like we had some girls stuff, we had some boys stuff. But then when she got a little bit older like you know, when she was you know four, three, four she picked out her own clothes, like she kind of wore whatever she won and different things like that. Like we just didn't I don't know, it wasn't important for us to her just to do only girl things because she was a girl and we just kind of was like, just do whatever makes you happy. We had a lot of neutral toys. We didn't have a lot of like girl toys, which we did eventually, when she started to like pick up her interest and she was into Barbies and princesses and different things like that. But you know, we had a lot of kitchen. We did a lot of blocks like Duplo and things like that.
Speaker 1:I'm just trying to think if there's like anything that people would ask me. But motherhood is crazy and it has taught me so much and it continues to teach me so much and I think it reminds me how much love I have within me and how much love I want to express out to the world, and maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with all these like baby everything baby spiders got to keep them so gross but got to keep them. Baby bunnies got to keep them. Got chicks, got gotta keep them, got chicks, gotta keep them. You know, it reminds me that I have so much love, motherly love, inside of me that I want to give out and and I think in my 20s I didn't even know that existed in me. I think the only love that I had was the love for my daughter my husband, obviously, but really my daughter, and I don't know. It feels so long ago and yet not long ago at all.
Speaker 1:And yeah, from one mother to another parent, whoever may be listening to this, I don't even know what advice. What advice would I give myself at 20? This is how I'm going to end. What advice would I give myself at 20? This is how I'm going to end. What advice would I give myself at 20? You're not messing them up. You only can do the best of your ability and the knowledge that you have in that very moment and I think, as long as you're doing your best, and that's that's. It doesn't need to be any more of that or any less or anything in between.
Speaker 1:I think there's so much pressure on mothers to be all of the things to be beautifully done up and have an amazing body after having a baby and making sure your baby sleeps at night and they're not crying and you know how to soothe them immediately, like I think sometimes the best thing that I had going for me is I had no expectation. I had no expectation of what I should be as a mother. I had no expectation of what Lily should be as a daughter. I had no expectation of what this road should look like or what my birth story or my birth plan or anything should look like. There was no expectation. I don't even think I had time for expectation. I don't think my brain space had expectations in it, and it wasn't until later that in my life where I started putting expectations on myself, where I would just immediately be disappointed. So now I don't have expectations at all and I am so happy. So I think, with everything, as much as we want it to look a certain way, to be a certain way, to feel a certain way, sometimes just walking into it with no expectation a slight plan is might be the best case scenario, because I think that's what now, thinking back on it, I think that's what really helped me. It's just having no expectation, doing my best every single day with the knowledge that I had that day.
Speaker 1:Obviously, my parenting changed as I grew, as I got more knowledge, more experience, felt more comfortable and confident in being a mother, especially when she was little, I was 20. I didn't understand how assertive I needed to be, how I should stand up for her. I was shy, I was timid, I was scared. It took a lot for people to take me seriously, to see me as an adult and not as a child, raising a child, even though I was 20. I think, yeah, motherhood gave me all of that. Gave me a purpose, gave me a reason to get up every single day, even on the hard days. Gave me a reason to smile. Gave me a reason to feel all different emotions. Gave me a reason to work on myself, to go to therapy, to better myself, for myself, for my own self, to understand things that I have or things that I do.
Speaker 1:I'm super empathic. You know, things that I have or things that I do. I'm super empathic. How that doesn't always help Lily when to give, when to take, when something should be an argument and when it should not. You know, not everything needs to be a battle. That was advice that my mom gave me. You don't need to fight every single time Something doesn't go your way, especially with your children. So, yeah, I'll stop rambling, but if you have any questions or feedback or comments, you can find me in the DMs. I'm sure my email is around. Yeah, I'd love to have this conversation and, once again, if there's lots of questions, maybe I'll just do a random episode and I'll just put it out in the summer and kind of go from there. But this was my story. I'm sticking with it.
