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THIS IS WE
Redefining Strength A Single Mom's Inspiring Battle with Cancer
When life handed Darcy the unimaginable, she crafted a tale not of despair, but of fierce resilience. As Portia Chambers, I had the privilege of sitting with this remarkable therapist, single mother, and cancer survivor, whose story unfolds a narrative of enduring strength amid the trials of an incurable cancer diagnosis. Through our intimate conversation, Darcy peels back layers of vulnerability, revealing how the stark reality of living with cancer intertwines with the transformative power of motherhood and the pursuit of a psychotherapeutic career. Her journey underscores a message of hope, with each chapter etching a deeper understanding of self-advocacy, trust, and the unwavering love that propels us forward.
Navigating life's tumultuous waves, Darcy's experience illuminates the intricate dance between self-care and life's incessant changes. Listeners will find solace and inspiration in her courage to redefine self-care beyond the conventional, embracing the restorative nature of work, creativity, and the joy of lifelong learning. Her narrative is a testament to the art of balance—how one can harness the energy from parenting, professional aspirations, and personal passions to not just survive but thrive. Prepare to be moved by the sheer determination that courses through Darcy's life as she transitions from surviving to thriving, finding her true calling amidst chaos.
This episode transcends a mere recounting of events; it's a heartfelt exploration of the human spirit's capacity to embrace love, gratitude, and self-discovery at every turn. Darcy's insights on building confidence through self-knowledge, and the evolution that comes from embracing change, serve as profound reminders of our own ability to grow and transform. Her life's chapters, shared with humility and grace, will leave you reflecting on your narrative, encouraging you to weave resilience into your tapestry, and to persist in the face of life's relentless ebbs and flows. Join us for a profound celebration of the small victories and monumental leaps that define our existence.
Connect with Darcy on Instagram @darcyseven @thecheesypear @thesolace.studio
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Join me, portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shape them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. I am so excited to have our next guest here with us. Darcy is a mama of two girls, a small business owner and a therapist. Darcy has lived so many lives and we are here to listen to all of them. Welcome, thank you. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, I'm really excited that you are here. Let's start from, I want to say, relatively the beginning, and I want to say this is your first life, because I've broken down this episode into three different lives that you have lived in your whole life. Let's start with the first life and having two children and being diagnosed with cancer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so this it really wasn't that long ago but in lots of ways does really feel like lifetimes ago and I love that you're putting it in that way. So it was November 2020 that I was, like officially diagnosed with cancer. I came with like quite a big shock to everybody to myself, of course. At the time, I had an 11 month old and a two year old and was a single mom. So I separated from my girl's father, actually prior to even knowing I was pregnant with my second. So there was that was obviously like a very, very stressful time in my life, one of those like identity crisis kind of times where I was like am I this person? Like am I the person that is pregnant and alone and with a baby? And so lots of like I guess you could say like self judgment and really trying to like identify who I am and what my life is going to look like, with that being part of my story.
Speaker 2:So I went through, I guess, like the nine month pregnancy alone and then the first 11 months of my second child alone. I had had some previous health issues, like a couple of years before I got pregnant and had been followed for that because it was a genetic condition and then they found a small spot on my liver prior I guess I get very early in my second pregnancy but couldn't do any testing or scans because I was pregnant. So it was kind of like, let's just leave it, we don't really think it's a big issue, we're just we're going to leave that for now. And then we did a biopsy right after my second and they didn't see anything. They were like we don't even think this is like connected to your other issue. It's actually really common for women to have lesions on their liver, sometimes connected to birth control, but not actually dangerous in any any real way. So kind of left it at that for a little bit. But I wasn't feeling super great about it and I was like I just think this is weird, that I've got like another thing that's not connected to the original thing, and so I did have to do like quite a bit of self advocacy and I would say probably yeah, it was probably in October of that year that I got a PET scan, and so PET scans are only done in Toronto and Ottawa for like this region in Ontario. So they sent me to Toronto, I did a PET scan and basically a scan. That kind of like lights up wherever there's cancer cells.
Speaker 2:So then on, this was also obviously like height of pandemic. So I was alone for all of this, as in like nobody could come with me to any of my appointments or anything like that. So my mom was watching my girls, my dad drove me to Toronto and then I went into this appointment and it was a brand new doctor who I hadn't dealt with before, and she was very quick to all of the treatment options, very quick to like the real medical side of it, without having really given me the diagnosis. So she just kept using the word disease and I was like what does she mean by this? And like I'm not really sure what she's talking about. And this is the same as, like, the genetic condition I have. And so I was finally stopped her and I'm like what is the disease? And she was like, oh, cancer. And honestly I like I feel like I've locked out, like I just didn't hear anything after that. It was like an instant like play in my head of like what does this mean for my girls? And like how does this this play out?
Speaker 2:What I did get from it was that I needed to start treatment really quickly, because the only treatment that they like think will kind of work for my condition was a study, and I had to get into the study before the end of 2020. So I had like one month to be accepted into this, this study. It didn't have to start until 2021, but they only had a certain number of spots and I had to like be accepted into it. So things happened really quickly after that.
Speaker 2:I remember really clearly like walking out of that hospital and into the car that my dad was waiting for me in and asking me in and asking how it went, and me just like I have no idea, like I don't really know how to tell you what I just heard because I'm still trying to process that. Yeah, so that was a lot. It was a lot of like almost denial in that first little bit of like like the word cancer and I think there's there's so much with that word and so much that I've like put some research into so much that I have explored more on like the therapy side of things. Just because it is such a dramatic word, it also has like a real image with it. We like have an image of what somebody who has cancer looks like, and for most of my experience I haven't looked like that, and so I really struggled with that piece for a little while. But yeah, I guess just something I'm interested in in that way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like immediately when I hear cancer, I just feel the weight of it, because I feel like anybody that's listening has been, probably has cancer has affected their life in some way, shape or form, and so I couldn't even imagine what that would feel like to hear the words and how you're putting it, like the doctor seemed almost casual about it so casual and so weird for me.
Speaker 2:And so weird for me because so my dad had cancer for 20 years of his life and was seen by a doctor at Princess Margaret Cancer Center in Toronto.
Speaker 2:That's also where my genetic condition has been dealt with.
Speaker 2:So I had been going to that hospital for most of my life, even though I've never lived in Toronto, and it had this really weird which, like anybody that has been there, would not understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:This almost sounds like insensitive in some ways, but this like nostalgic feeling in that hospital because I had been there for so long and I always went in there feeling like immense amounts of gratitude for how healthy I was, because so many people in that hospital are so ill and you can see them so ill, so that's where I'd get my blood work done and then I'd have my checkup appointments, and my dad too, and I always felt so grateful and I always felt like it was odd that I was there while not being like super, super sick and not actually having a cancer diagnosis. And then so for that like shift to happen so quickly for me, I think like really rocked that, like romanticizing I'd almost done of that hospital and just like the technology that's within that hospital I've always found so amazing and the resources that they have and the services they provide and all that. And then being like, oh wait, like this is for me now and that transition being like a really odd thing for me.
Speaker 1:Knowing that your dad had been in that hospital with cancer for 20 years, was there some sort of comfort in knowing, when you got your own cancer diagnosis, that this wouldn't be something that would be the end?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think this is something I still like really really play with and something that I'm really open to talk about, even though I know I maybe don't have all the words for it yet. I think that we don't talk about our mortality enough in our society and I believe that it's like we all have mortality and we all really do need to face that in some way, shape or form. But obviously, getting a cancer diagnosis, bringing that to the forefront and I don't think I felt that right away, I think that I really so like, honestly, that that phase of my life, those first three weeks, were probably the hardest three weeks I've ever had in my entire life. I don't think I slept for three weeks and I would like put my girls to bed at night, lay in bed and the anxiety and felt was so overwhelming and like that body weight of like what is going to happen tonight, like it wasn't even what's going to happen down the road. I would have this like overwhelming panic that I wouldn't wake up and that my girls would be alone and they were so little that nobody would know, and that was my like. It's like a very vulnerable, deepest worry at that time and then I kind of started to be like I need to find a way out of this, like I need to change my mindset in some way because I can't live this way. And so I don't know if I dealt with it in the healthiest way healthiest way at that time, but I really did just like push it away and I did spend a lot of time trying to compare to my dad's situation being like he was diagnosed at 10 years after I was in terms of just the same age, and he did have a young family and all this, but our scenarios were so different and the cancer was really different.
Speaker 2:So my cancer is incurable, which again is like a really scary word, but again really just means that like I will always have cancer and so I will always have cancer for the best of this year, or I will always have cancer for the next 20 years, like we don't know what the prognosis looks like.
Speaker 2:We just know it's not curable, whereas most other cancers have a remission stage and you can be cancer free. And that's what I think. It's actually something I still really struggle with with, like that feeling that I almost get over it sometimes, like I forget about it and I live my life and I go about my day and then I'll get like an email that blood work needs to be done or I'll have like a scan coming up and I'm like, oh yeah, like I actually do still have cancer and I always will, and that, like I never get that ring the bell moment. And while cancer is terrible for everybody, I have definitely felt some envy around the people that get to ring about and, like you, there's a milestone for a lot of other people with the cancer community and there is no milestone for me. There is no day that I get to say like, okay, I'm done this or I'm done this and I don't have that. And that's definitely a piece that I that still lingers like in terms of struggle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, immediately when I hear that, I think of like the word dull came into my, into my mind. Like this dull weight where it's always there, it's always lingering. And sometimes other things get piled on top of it and it gets lower to the bottom and then sometimes, like you had said, when you get the letter, your blood work, and then it kind of gets pushed back up to the top and this, this thing, always lingering in the back of your mind and yeah, yeah it feels yeah, that's really.
Speaker 2:I just had a scan on the weekend and it was like the lead up to that and then the now, like obsessing over checking my results and it's it's like a little pattern that I I fall into I guess every time, and a lot of people do. There's actually, like in the cancer community call it like scan ziety, like you know that scans coming in, stuff, and I think I'm in a place right now of being like, oh, this is so unfair, like I want to just be, I want to put that behind me, like that phase of my life and that period, and it's like I don't ever Actually get to do that. So, yeah, that's a challenge, yeah.
Speaker 1:So would you say that your because you had mentioned prior to your cancer diagnosis and then you had left your husband, that was kind of that moment where you decided to kind of focus on yourself. Did you feel, after getting your cancer diagnosis, that that feeling that you felt when you left your husband was kind of pushed aside, or did you find that it almost liberated you in a way, to be like no, this really is the time for me to focus on myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do think that it was so instilled in me that this was like a time for me and at the time, like my one daughter and I put everything into that and like was like I am a mother and this is my child and this is like what I have to do, and I subconsciously, consciously, like it was, it was so innate in me that that was really my focus. There was a lot of like healing that happened in that time too.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think all mothers will say this, but like just the gratitude I have for my children, for like how many times they've saved me in that that way and kind of thing, and yeah, so I really think that just reinforced it, like it was like another hurdle, another battle and other whatever you want to call it that I had to push through because I had somebody counting on me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I just think back to my own journey and my own past that I've been on and how my daughter has been a rock, without even knowing that she is, because they really like children. Pets, anything like that really give you a purpose to get up every single day to do, even if it's so mundane, like, oh, I just take them to school or I take them to daycare, whatever it may be. It just gives you that purpose to put your boots on, to put a jacket on, to get in your car, to move, even if it feels blurry and heavy and hard, like I still, and it really allows to roll through the motions without like almost subconsciously doing it in a way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and like when you say that I think about, like that takes you outside of yourself and I think, that that's like you.
Speaker 2:You can obsess over yourself, you can feel like you know your your own, self pity your own, like me, your own, which sometimes we do need to do. But I do think that our kids really allow for us to like I actually can't and and I have said that in the last couple years of that like of course there were stages in that in that period and throughout that, I like wanted to sit in my room and cry and eat a tub of ice cream. I was like IH. I said I was feeling something in my own feelings for myself Haven't, but you just don't really have that choice when you're a parent and you don't get that opportunity and in some ways that is a good thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I, I agree, I really agree, when we were going through everything with our sun and trying to figure in kind of that same idea like test after test and just waiting to take my daughter to school, and that I still had to do those things that I was doing every morning or whatever it may be, because it gave me purpose and it allowed me not to sit in all of that for so long. Like when you were saying when you would lie down at night after you put your girls to bed and and you're just with yourself and the weight of the anxiety, like I remember those nights of just being there. Like is morning, like I need morning to come. I need to be faster, not because I need to know what the tests are, just because I need. I can't deal with the feeling anymore.
Speaker 2:You can't sit in the stillness, you can't sit there. It's so sludgy and heavy and and the longest nights it felt like the morning never came yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like is it light now? No, it's only 2 am. Oh my God, yes exactly I was like do I just get up and start doing things at this point? I know?
Speaker 2:I should have, like I wish I did, but yeah, yeah, but just yeah, that was.
Speaker 1:But you're part of your like no, I should just sleep because that's going to be the best thing, right? Like you're just almost programmed in that way to just be like no, I should be doing this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So did after your cancer diagnosis. We're going to slowly move into your second life. And it's crazy now that you put it in like a timeline like 20 to like four years ago. Not even four years ago three and a half in November 2020. So we're going kind of into the second life and it's really about starting over and going back to school. So tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 2:Yes, this is such an interesting phase. So I started treatment in January and that included it was like a combination of chemo and radiation. So it was like a chemical radiation in which I was like radioactive. So I wasn't allowed near anybody for 10 days each, like anybody. So, like the nurses would like gear up to come in my room, I wasn't allowed, yeah, so I couldn't. Even like once I did go home, I wasn't allowed to share utensils with anybody, even like once they were washed, like you know, like I had to have my own utensils that nobody was allowed to touch for like a month after, and lots of like very strange things.
Speaker 2:So I did four rounds of treatment between January and June and at that point had never left my children. So that was honestly probably the hardest piece for me and I always say like when we have a traumatic event, we always love to grab onto the one piece of control that we have, or like obsess over the one small area that we no longer have control. So for me it was stopping breastfeeding. So I had to stop breastfeeding my youngest to do treatment and I I know like, deep down that's not the most traumatic part, but on the surface that was the most traumatic part for me and it was just that one piece that I was so angry. Somebody was taking control away and then leaving my kids. So my mom would come my parents live in Peterborough, I live in Kingston my mom would come watch my girls for 10 days and my dad would drive me to Toronto and then he would pick me up and then I had to stay like isolated in their house for the remaining couple of days and then go back to Kingston, and that happened every six weeks. I did work through my treatment and I did so. I worked like my corporate job, like a nine to five, and then also run my small business. So I did keep that going throughout.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, looking back, I maybe think I shouldn't have, but for some reason I like really felt this. I need to keep everything as normal as possible. So then I finished treatment in June and I mentioned that like ring the bell moment and I really struggled that I wouldn't get to do that. So I did ask a couple of my family and friends like I want to treat this as an ending and I want, like this as of right now, this is the end of my treatment, so I want to really celebrate that. So I did do that with a couple of people, but I would say those six months were like survival months and I almost like you, almost black out, like I don't really know what happened. I don't know when people are like how'd you do it? I have absolutely no idea. You just do what you have to do and that's what I did.
Speaker 2:But then that summer I feel like a lot came crashing down for me and like mental health wise, was maybe the lowest I've ever been, where I just like had no idea what my life consisted of, no idea where my focus was, no idea Like I think that's was where I was really questioning that trust in myself again. And I had been looking at a master's degree for like five years, very casually, and I think it was that summer that I was like I was 30, I think, and was like, wow, I have as many working years left as I've been alive and like my only concept of time is 30 years. That's all I know on this planet and that feels really long, like when I think back to being one years old, like that's a long time and all of that I have to work again. So I want to love what I'm doing, and when you take like a three year degree out of that, like that's really nothing. And so it was the end of that summer it was like August 28th I applied to my master's program for psychotherapy. Thank you, I got in September 1st and I started school September 3rd, which is a very classic me to just like leave it till the very last minute, jump in both feet, I'm doing it.
Speaker 2:But for me it wasn't actually about the degree and I didn't actually like conceptualize graduating at all.
Speaker 2:It was that it was the first thing I had done in nine months that involved any thought of a future, and so I was very scared in those eight months to think about anything past, like the week ahead of me, and I wouldn't allow myself to think about like future relationships or like future houses or future jobs or future like my kids growing up.
Speaker 2:Like I just would not allow myself to go there.
Speaker 2:And applying for this degree was like me, somewhat accepting that I would be around for the next three years, and so I think it was actually like way more a mental health thing than an actual like a degree and job thing, which is interesting because my dad is probably husband the most important person in my life and he drove up to Kingston like two weeks after I started school and told me I was making a big mistake and it was like you need to drop out of this program, like you need to take time for you.
Speaker 2:You're way too busy. You've got two girls. You're running this business. You also are working like you're doing this all by yourself, with absolutely no help, in Kingston. You need to just take some time to calm down. And I fought him so hard on this and was like no, I need this right now. And I then spent like the next almost three years like staying up till 2am doing my papers and it's again one of those things that I'm like I don't know how I've done it, but it has been very healing for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh my gosh, that's crazy. When you would message me and you're like full time mom, full time, nine to five, small business owner in school, full time, I was like how is there enough time in the day?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I question it too, like when I lay it out like that, like I do and I mean I obviously do it all the people in my life or like the Darcy girl, she's so busy, she's so wild, like whatever. But it, I will admit, like like me, being busy is a coping mechanism, 100%. I'm very aware of that and I am in a place where I'm like slowing down a little bit right now and that does does feel good and probably safer than it has felt in the past. But I also have like a real excitement for life and always have, and I am not somebody that can like sit still and I can't. I just feel like we have this one life and like there's so much to try and so much to do and I I really do jump into that with both feet. I have always been that way.
Speaker 2:But obviously a cancer diagnosis increases that, and I have spoken to a few people about this. Again, I know it sounds a little bit weird, but in that aspect I do feel grateful. I feel like I get to experience life in a way that lots of people don't, and I have an understanding of time that a lot of people don't, and I would say that that's probably the reason I am so busy is because I truly can't choose. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that and I love how you said you just dive in both feet because that's that's me and I feel like I've never met anybody else. That's like. That's so. Like yay, yeah, like, don't even think twice. When you're like, yeah, I signed up and signed up August 28th and was in got approved on September 1st, I was like, ooh, that sounds like me, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's funny because I do sometimes find it take a long time to like like I'll think about it, or like I'm like, oh, maybe. Like, oh, I should look into that. Like I do a little bit of research and then when I decide it's like there's no coming back from it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yes, yeah, I hear you. Yeah, I'm all over a little bit and people think I'm doubting the whole situation, but I'm just like no, it has to be at the right.
Speaker 2:You're just piecing it all together.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, how is it going to work?
Speaker 1:So I want to take a little bit of a step back and talk about the control component, because I think when I heard you talking about that, I was like, ooh, that was a big one for me, especially when I was going through my whole, my first, my first bout in trauma really a big T trauma and control was a huge thing and it was something that I latched on for a very long time and it took actually a long time for me to understand my control issues, and my control was over food and exercise, because that was one thing when I got pregnant I was doing and immediately after I had my DNC, they told me I was fine and then I could just go back.
Speaker 1:And that wasn't true. And I did that and I wrecked my abdomen and after that moment I was like, no, like that. I don't know if that was a moment where I was like my body failed me and it failed me again and I was like I need to control what goes in my body, I need to control how it moves, and it was like it was insane how much it consumed my life. Yeah, and so I would love just to kind of like openly talk about it.
Speaker 2:I do really think that body failing you thing actually is like out of what you said there, that was like oh yep, like that feeling of like the body we know and we've known our whole lives is is failing you in ways, and like that sort of like hidden battle that you have within your body because your body doesn't like talk back to you in the way that your brain does right, and like you can't think that through and I actually read a quote that would totally apply to this something about like a chronic illness, like human beings weren't made for chronic illness because we weren't made.
Speaker 2:Like in a war zone. When the war ends, you leave it, but my body has become the war zone and so I actually never leave that. And so you're in that constant state of like heightened activity, heightened stress all of the time, and your story like attaches to that too, where it's like your, your body, is failing you. You're in this, like the place that you live, your home, and your safety is not actually safe. And so what external thing can we grab on to to create some sense of control? And I think that's so common but also really dangerous it is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and as a person that prides themselves on how observant I am and how connected I am with my body, it's sometimes it's hard to even say like I have that problem Because I had, was so, and I think a parts of it I was, I was unaware, and then there was parts that I was totally aware and just couldn't stop and I was just like I don't care, like I know this is bad, and I started verbally saying it Like I'm, like one of my goals for this month is not to be so fixated on what I eat, and it would kill me how much free power it would take to actually stop myself from thinking about it and then I would just think about it again the next day and it just became like this, reoccurring thing, oh, it was awful to live in and I still, you know, to this day still kind of battle with it a little bit and had to come.
Speaker 1:But you know, my body eventually just shut down and said I'm not doing this anymore and you're going to have to surrender, you have no choice. And that's what happened. And you know, the universe listens to my silent cries, my silent pleas for health, because I just could not do it for myself. And it listened and it delivered and it was the hardest, the hardest pill to swallow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's a podcast I love listening to it Mark Groves. He usually says something like what is the like two by four that the universe keeps hitting you in the head with? And like that lesson that the universe keeps trying to teach you that you're unwilling to listen to. And I think that then that's when it, like you know, the body keeps scoring too. I mean, we've also like all heard that, that and read that book and I think that it is like that lesson that you almost know, like, yes, I know the universe is trying to teach me this and for some reason, I'm not, I'm like fighting against it and I think I'm not ready.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it was surrender.
Speaker 1:Like, yeah, and I think it's it's exchanging strength, it's the strength of control into the strength of getting out of it, and I think that was what was I needed was the exchange and strength, that reminder that just because you are letting go of this doesn't mean that you're weak or not courageous and you don't have the strength. You have the strength to get out of it and that's stronger than being in it, and I think that was like I needed to understand that I'm still strong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's so beautiful. Yeah, that exchange of strength. I think that's such a good way to put it.
Speaker 1:So how was it so how long you were in school for?
Speaker 2:three years. Yeah, so we done, done this April. I'm in my practicum phase right now, so have been seeing clients in September, which was also a really scary thing of being like I've spent so much money on this, so much time in this, and like what if I get into it, I'm like, ew, I don't like this. So I had a little bit of a worry there and then by the end of the first day, I was like, oh yeah, this is exactly what I meant to be doing. So this is great, I'm absolutely loving it. And yeah, yeah, still have my hands in 100 pots, but that will always be me and I love that about me, honestly, and yeah, so it's very exciting.
Speaker 1:So how, with all your hands and all these different pots, how do you make time for yourself?
Speaker 2:So that is the time for myself Okay, yeah, which I struggle with this one but like self-care and self-love and like the time for yourself, we really mask that a lot of the time with or like rest. Really mask that a lot of time with like the bubble bath and the candles and like don't get me wrong, I love that. I love a good facial, I love a hot bubble bath, but I'm an active rest kind of girl and like I need.
Speaker 2:I am so fulfilled coming into work every day and I am so fulfilled doing my small business and on social media, and I am so fulfilled going out for dinner with my friends and like all of these things truly do fill up my cup and that is self-care for me. And I think that we try and like separate those two things, like as soon as you add work to it or as soon as you add a paycheck to it. It has to be something different and I don't think we do like.
Speaker 1:I think that and that's not to say there's days that I don't want to go to work, there's lots of days I would rather lay in bed, but I do still get fulfilled by my job I love how you put that, because I think I think that's so important to be said, because I feel like there is a little bit of a gray area around self-care or like almost like black and white, I think, immediately when you said that, like I get self-care from doing all of the things and I'm like I'm similar in the sense, like I make sourdough and everyone's like you need to make this a business and you need to make it this and you need to do this and you need to open a bakery, and yeah, and I'm like no, no, and they're like why, like it's so good, I'm like no, I don't want to, because this is my self-care, like I really thoroughly enjoy doing this, and the moment you take that from me, the bread's not going to be the same, the bagels are not going to be the same, I am not going to be the same.
Speaker 1:The intention will be gone. Like when I put my hands in the dough, I'm like at ease with myself like.
Speaker 1:I could be so angry and be like, why am I doing this? Like to the moment I get there and the moment I just the water touches the flour, I'm like, oh right, I remember why I'm doing this yeah and I think it's just like this, very interesting for myself, this kind of fine line of like I.
Speaker 1:I love myself, care, my quiet, my solitude. I'm very much into that. But I like active self-care, I like doing puzzles, I like reading, I like I don't I can't just sit there and do nothing because I like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I do like a bath, actually, but I'm usually like creating social media content in the bath or something on my phone or something. But, um, a big one for me that I really, really like noticed in the last five years or which I've always had. But one of those things that you're like the self-awareness increases with it is using my hands. So when you're saying, like your hands in the dough, I'm like that's me with so many things is like when I go to bed at night and think about what my hands did in a day, that is like probably my proudest thing in my life is like what have my hands created that I have put out into the world? And I like paint a little bit and like I'm always just like crafting something or like whether it's through, like my small business or anything like that, but that like my hands creating something, is huge self-care for me yeah, but like this podcast to me is self-care.
Speaker 1:Every aspect of it is self-care. Like I love it.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to provide anything to me, like the conversations are enough, like it's, it's, it's, it's, it's whole in itself, um, and I like it that way yes, I, I so, and like I love like minded people that way, because my mom my family regularly, but my mom especially is like deeply pissed off when I message them about something new that I'm doing. And she's like I told you to sit down and like she's like I thought you putting your nine to five minute, that you would be slowing down and I thought that you were gonna, and I'm like you don't understand how like I need this. Like this is like, yeah, me also starting a podcast, me also adding another piece to the small business, me also like taking on more clients. They're adding an extra day of therapy like it's a lot, but it's, it's what I need to do. And I'm also again that like jump in with both feet.
Speaker 2:I'm also okay pivoting, like I'm also really good at being like, uh, that was a bad idea, I should do Fridays back out, like I'm not gonna do that one anymore, and like, um, like maybe this didn't work, but I'm gonna move it to this and that's. I think I've always been really good at that too, and I think you know, I think it is that trust in yourself and you know who you are, you know what you're capable of, you know what that, um, that resume of you consists of and yeah, yeah, and I and I think that's important to pivot and to learn, because I think it it teaches so much about ourselves, but it also allows us to not be so serious.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in a way like okay, it didn't work. Okay, I'll move on like it was the same. It was bacon three days a week and then I was like yeah, for why. I was like I don't want to do Fridays anymore. Yeah. I feel like maybe I'll open it back up eventually, but right now I kind of like how it is yeah, it's not good.
Speaker 1:Like I'm like, I like it, like this and I'm gonna continue with this. It doesn't mean that I'm a failure for taking away a day at all, like it just means that I'm gonna fill my time with something else and it's gonna be great, or I'm gonna fill it with nothing and it's just gonna be a Porsche day be great, whatever I want.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, I love that flexibility so let's move into your newest life.
Speaker 1:I want to say yeah, the third life, and it's the, it's the love and loss yeah and so tell us a little bit about that yeah, so, um, I feel like.
Speaker 2:So I kind of like categorize these last, the lives that we've talked about, as like my last five years, six years now maybe, and they have included a lot of tragedy and a lot of struggle. And when we talk about the universe, I, from like 2020 on, could probably find like a hundred text messages and a hundred emails to my dad or somebody in my life where I was like I just want the universe to give me that sign that they've still got my back, and I was like I want that small win and I don't know if I can explain this well, but like the lottery win. So I would say things to my dad like, oh, I just need like a win, like I need the universe to let me know. And he would be like, oh, like your girls are doing great and they're healthy, there's your win. And I'm like no, like I worked for that. Like they're doing great because I'm a good parent. And or like, oh, like you got a promotion at work, like there's your win, and I'm like, no, I worked for that, I want that, like I did nothing. And the universe is like hey, girl, we still got your back.
Speaker 2:And I felt like that and I'm not somebody that's usually like this, but that like kick you, well, you're down, kind of feeling and I was like I feel like I got like separated from my, the girl's dad and and then had to go through all of that alone and then got the cancer diagnosis and then um, treatment, like I couldn't get into the, the study right away, like just all of the little pieces that like feel like they kept kind of knocking me down and I'm never somebody that stays in that. But it was to the point that I was like okay, like what is going on, what am I doing wrong? And through that I was really hard on staying true to myself and like I'm not going to let this get me down. I am still going to work, I am still going to hang out with my friends, I am still going to do what I do with my girls all the time as much as possible, because I need to remind me and the universe, whatever that is, that I am still me and I am still deserving of all of these things. So I feel like I need to preface with that, because it was consistent throughout, and that that need for like I just wanted to win, like I just wanted the universe to some way shape or form be like hey, we got you here, and I think in the back of my mind I really had that as Partnership and I think that's something that I was very okay alone. The girls and I had a great little thing going, but I'm also somebody that really wanted to share my life with somebody and I wanted that for myself and for them, and so I think that was one of the things that I was like oh, maybe, like the universe will Introduce me to a great guy and that will be when I'm like oh, here we go, here's my win. But that was not happening. As much as I was dating, that was really not happening.
Speaker 2:And and to kind of like add back into that the pile of crappy stuff, in October of last year, then, like about a year and a half, my dad passed away, that is like probably something I honestly still have not processed in many ways. But my dad was easily the person I've ever been closest to in my life, one of the by far the deepest relationship I've ever had with another human being, probably the most involved parent I've ever met in my life. I'm one of three girls and all of us feel that way, even though we all had like very individualized relationships with him, and so it was like about a three month period of him being in the hospital and kind of like that back and forth, like is this, is this gonna get better or not? And and then in October he Actually chose to do the the maid program so it's just a suicide was very much the right choice for him and that really like rocked my world. But again it really felt that trust in myself that I could handle it and that like we wouldn't get through that. However, however, that looked and Like less than a month later I went on a date with somebody and it was such a funny, funny little date, because it was an amazing date.
Speaker 2:But this person was leaving Kingston that day, like moving away, and was like I'll just, we'll go for brunch, we'll have a little date, but like I'm actually not sticking around in town and as a mom, and a single mom, it's like oh, any chance for an adult conversation. I would absolutely love to still do this, and so that's really all it was. We continued to talk and it we didn't actually like start dating until Like almost a year later. So, yeah, I guess, like nine months later ever, this summer week, we really actually started dating and it's been wonderful, yeah. So I I do really get this feeling that, like my dad knew how badly I wanted that, really knew, like that was the win that I was looking for, and so I do, I see a lot of beauty in that, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's funny that you say that, because that was immediately what I thought when you yeah, was the immediate thing that your dad gave that to you like I don't know. It was like we have sound ignorant, or I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know but when you were talking, this is immediately what I felt and it was as if your dad because your dad held Such a high level of love and support and everything in you, and it was as if he passed away To give you the space to welcome them in for yourself and it was like his gift back to you after he had passed Minder, like I listened, I listened, yeah, and I needed to let go for you to get it, and like that is immediately what I I felt when you were talking. It was just like, yeah, a full exchange of loss and love, and that you can, you know, see that in the world again too.
Speaker 2:It's like um. So my cousin growing up like was very close to me. She's a couple years older and she met her like husband. I think they were 13 and they had little like will you be my girlfriend? Yes, no, maybe. And they've been together ever since.
Speaker 2:And so, like both of them, like husband and wife are great friends of mine and I think I was like 19 and single and my dad drove me to the train station because I went to school in the east coast and and I was like it's just, like that's really missing from my life, like I just want that person that I can like when they have a shitty day, that you that is there for you and like. And I was like I know you're there for me, but it's different. And he was like no, it is different, like I get it like Like my dad was definitely my person in that way, but he was my dad and and there's obviously, you know, a big difference with that and he knew I wanted that. And then I had other relationships and obviously was in a long-term relationship with the girl's dad. But I actually remember talking to him in the hospital and him saying, like your life is so good Darson. Like you, you really have gone after everything.
Speaker 2:And he always said, like, his favorite thing about me Was that like I didn't like let life happen to me. I chose the life I wanted and I continued to choose it. And like he's like you, you get after life instead of life getting after you. And he's like, but the one thing missing is like the partnership that you want. And I was like I know and we talked about it a lot like we can talk about Him being like you're you're intimidating to a guy, you've got too much going on. When the hell are you gonna have time to go on a date with them? Little things like that and just like what, what I'm looking for and what somebody would sign up for with me and all of that. And Um, it does feel like an odd Serendipity and and timing and everything that that it kind of worked out that way and I know that's something that he felt he wanted for me too. And yeah, yeah, yeah. So beautiful, it is really beautiful.
Speaker 1:It's so beautiful. So how does it feel With all of the you know sadness, the hardships, the struggles, sadness, the hardships, the struggles, everything that I don't want to say it's fully behind you, because it's not. I feel like it's always with us, yeah, but most of it is. You've moved through it. How does it feel to be on the other side and being embraced with love and in that partnership of love that you've been longing for?
Speaker 2:I think I'm in like such a big like gratitude phase in my life where and it's not like, of course, like life isn't perfect, like we still have like struggle with our kids on certain days, and like work isn't working out the way that you perfectly planned, and Like by no means is my life perfect but I'm so grateful for where I'm at right now and I feel like so much of what I would like lay in bed and like wish for is here right now. And you know, like from motherhood to this relationship, like there are phases in my life where I used to lay there. I can't wait to be a mom and it's like sometimes I'm like, oh, I am a mom, like I'm doing it, and then like I'm in this partnership and this is exactly what I wanted, and I feel like I'm constantly Right now, like looking around my home, being like this is what I wanted, yeah, that it feels so good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sounds so good like it sounds.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I was reading this sappy book still in my soul right now and, okay, it sounds like the book, like you know, when you're reading a book and you're like, how is this? How are these feelings real? Yeah, as you're talking, I feel like it almost is like no, they are real, portia, yeah, look, this happens to people and and that's what I feel for you like I just, I don't know it's yeah, it's remarkable, your story and the different avenues that has taken you and the strength that you continue to, you know, persevere everything and continue to dive in with both feet, because A lot of those things would be pushing people down, yeah, yeah, they would be crawling to get back up. And here you are like, yeah, no, not this time.
Speaker 2:No, no, not this time.
Speaker 1:You got me for a second.
Speaker 2:No, not anymore, yeah like yeah, no, it it really has. And I mean it's like it's got its cycles for sure. It's got its little pieces that I feel like do kind of like you know, you know you pull back into that or those those days or weeks that feel kind of shitty, but it like the overwhelming sense is like, yeah, this is the life that I, I want to be living and I'm I'm staying really true to who I am Throughout that and I think I think that's why I think that's like the the key ingredient for me for sure.
Speaker 1:So one of my last questions for you is I really think the theme of your entire story was trust. I think at every avenue you really had to trust yourself, trust the universe a little bit along the way. Um, so how did you lean into it? Because I find I know for myself and maybe those that are listening can relate as well that trust is probably one of the hardest things To lean into and fully embrace.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think that, um, I have this like big mindset of Looking at the history of you, so like and I kind of like reference it to a resume, um, but it's not your work resume, but it's just like the history of you.
Speaker 2:So, if you look at the experiences that you've pushed through before, um, the like relationships, the breakups, that Like fights with your parents, the jobs that you've lost, like all of those things, what stands out like, what show, what character traits do you have that have been consistent your full life, and how do you hold in on those?
Speaker 2:And I think that I, when I finally which took me a very long time to leave Um my the long-term relationship with the girl's dad, I think that was like my first real adult um relationship with trusting myself, and it like got to a point where I was like I know I can do this alone and I think taking that leap and then having an entire pregnancy alone and a delivery alone and a newborn alone and all of that just like continuing to provide me the evidence I needed that I um on who I was and like that history of me, and so I think, anytime I would question it, I could look at all of that evidence and be like, no, I've done this, like I, I am able to do this, and you can push through um and you can be you while you do it, and I think that's what we miss a lot of the time is like, yes, any one of us, if you're told you have to, can go through cancer treatment, and that's great and that's like that's what we all need to do.
Speaker 2:If that's that, you know the position that you're in um. But I think what I'm proud of is that, like through that, I was still me, and I was still me in my like need to create and I was still me in my need to be a really present mom, and I was still me in my need to like travel and spend time with my family and friends and and that was really important to me and I knew I could do it because I had done it. That's I think whenever I question it, I'm like, okay, what's the history of you? Like, how have you done this before in a different way and how do you have that transferable skill?
Speaker 1:I really like that. I really really love that because it's evidence, it's not hypothetical, it's not what ifs or should ofs or could ofs. It's right there in front of you, it's plain, it's in black and white and you can take that with you. I absolutely love that.
Speaker 2:And it's like I guess, a similar version to that affirmation of like I can do hard things and like I can go back to like seven year old Darcy and like the cross country race and like that was hard and like for my little legs to do that, but I did it because I like needed to prove something and I did it and like I think it just I think that's really continued throughout my life. I would say like solitude really really helps with proving that to yourself. I would say, actually, when I start to question, it is when I am lacking solitude. So I think sometimes when we get things that's when you get like more like the anxious attachment to people and things like that is when you you start to lose a little bit of that solitude. You start to lose a little bit of that trust in yourself and I can relate to that 100%.
Speaker 2:When.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction and there's just so many things I'm like okay, I need a vacation, even if it's for 24 hours. I just need to be alone, not in my house in a different area, so I don't think about all these things and I can just come back.
Speaker 2:I really like I and I think, yeah, like when, when you're needed by so many people and it's like I think, as women and mothers, we like we thrive in that environment, we know that's what we're we're good at. But then that's when I think you forget, like, oh, actually I have a need here too. And how do I remember my need while meeting your needs? And I definitely find that with myself, I can feel myself get like caught up in that and be like whoa, whoa, like what is my? That history of me shows me that I need that moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was my theme yesterday in therapy. Yeah, it was. It was a little bit of it. But she was like what? Like my therapist said, like Porsche, I'm telling all these things are happening and she goes push her like but what are you doing for you? And I was like I know, I know, I know I need to. I'm like I know it's there, I can feel it, I know. But I said I'm having a hard time navigating out of what I've currently kind of put myself in. So I'm I'm like it's a bit of a slow roll right now. We're getting there slowly. I know I need it and I know my body is craving it, my mind is craving it, but I just I have to kind of navigate how to get there with everything else at the same time.
Speaker 2:That we, that we commit to that we commit to where it will be last minute.
Speaker 1:like I'm still mulling it off, Like, let me and then it will be like, okay, I'm going tomorrow, yeah, yeah, I know Like it will be, like I'm not sure. And so, lastly, I asked everybody this question and what is one piece of advice that you would like to leave here with everybody today?
Speaker 2:I think it is that that like history of you, and if you need to write it down, if you need to like create a little photo book, whatever you need to do to just really instill that that understanding of who you are. I think that it is also our definition of confidence is like, if you are so sure of yourself and that doesn't mean that we're not evolving, doesn't mean I'm perfect today, it just means I know me and as soon as I know me, I the rest doesn't really matter. And I think that that's been a huge learning for me over the last five years, as I just I feel very sure of who I am and I have the history to prove it.
Speaker 1:I love that and I love how you paired confidence with knowing yourself, because I feel sometimes when I hear the word confidence, I always immediately go back to my grade seven self. You know, don't be too confident, don't be too diss, and confidence was very external. It was never internal and you just totally flipped it there. I made it so internal that to me the word now takes a different shape.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think that when you're so sure of yourself, that external invalidation, like any of that, that insecurity, it doesn't really matter, it doesn't hit you the same way because it's like, but I know who I am. And I think the struggle when we say, like, do you know who you are? Is I can say to you like, oh well, I don't really know what my values are here, and I don't really, and I don't like, I don't know every piece of me. I'm not a finished product. I'm fully aware that I'm constantly evolving, but I know my history, I know the history of me, I know my character traits, I know what some of my values are. I know like the path or like the, the, like the world I live within or like the world of Darcy sort of thing, and like I know that well enough that those external pieces don't hit me the same way.
Speaker 1:I love that Well, Darcy, so thank you so very much for you know joining me today and having this conversation. I truly appreciate your vulnerability and sharing all of these lives that you've lived in only the last five years, so I can only imagine that's actually such that another little like motto of mine is just that like you can.
Speaker 2:We are going to live like 100,000 lives within our life and I love that we have the ability to evolve and change into all of those lives and I think it's exciting.
Speaker 1:It's very exciting. I love it. I love all of it, so me too.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, thanks so much for this opportunity. It's healing for me to get to share this as well. So thank you, my pleasure.
