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Alisha's Triumph Over Tradition and the Quest for Authenticity
Have you ever felt the weight of expectation tethering you to a life chosen by others? My guest Alisha knows this burden all too well—a Vancouver native who's navigated an arranged marriage and the subsequent entanglement of personal autonomy and cultural obligation. In our latest heart-to-heart, Alisha shares a poignant tale that traverses the terrain of family-imposed decisions, the silent compromises made at the altar of tradition, and a journey towards self-discovery that will resonate with many.
In a candid recount of her life, Alisha peels back the layers of her arranged marriage with the wisdom of hindsight and the clarity that comes from introspection. We examine the emotional turmoil of infidelity, the complicated dance of upholding familial roles, and how one picks up the shattered pieces to assert independence. It's a revealing look into the Muslim divorce process, the internal battle between faith and self-worth, and the liberating steps taken towards healing—highlighting the indispensable role therapy played in her transformation.
Our discussion culminates in a powerful testament to the importance of setting boundaries, an act both revolutionary and necessary within the confines of traditionally fixed relationships. Alisha's bravery in reshaping her life, against the backdrop of a culture that often dictates otherwise, is a beacon for those wrestling with their own societal chains. Her experience speaks volumes on the resilience required to stand firm in one's convictions, and the delicate balance of respecting one's heritage while forging an identity true to oneself. Join us for this profoundly moving episode that is sure to ignite courage and compassion in equal measure.
Connect with Alisha @happychickeatslife
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Join me, portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shape them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. I am so excited to have our next guest here with us. Alicia is a born and raised Vancouverite. She shares her story of arranged marriage in the South Asian community, intertwined with complexities and hardships. Welcome.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, thank you for having me, oh, my pleasure.
Speaker 1:I'm really, really excited to hear your story. This is the first time ever having anybody on here that's speaking about arranged marriage and I will be a little bit honest, I don't really fully under like know all the complexities with it. So before we dive into your story, will you shine just a little bit of light about arranged marriages in the South Asian communities?
Speaker 2:Sure, so it's a way for couples to get together in Indian communities, south Asian communities. So they don't base it on whether or not the two people like each other. It's more about family, background, religion, culture, income, education, even height and weight. What do people look like together on paper and visually? What they look like together? Yeah, so it's more. Do they check all the boxes Right? Yeah, yeah, so it's more based on that. Nowadays, though, it's more arranged introductions, so it's not so forced. Typically now it's more like this girl is single, this guy is single around the same age. Let's introduce them and it's not such a forced thing Like it's not you have to marry this person forever and stay with them. It's a little bit more lenient now, typically, typically.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So let's start from the beginning. Let's go way back and tell us about being in a forced arranged marriage and what that looked and felt like for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it was in 2014. So there was a guy that I was seeing family, friend kind of person. I knew him for a long time, like 10 years, but no interest in marrying him because I saw him as more of a casual, casual person to date not not anyone I would seriously consider, because he did have a history of being, you know, a ladies man, if you will. Yeah, so you know that's not someone you marry. No, so I put him in this box but for whatever reason, my family like put a deadline on me, saying like you're getting old and you need to have children and it's time. So this is the one and I'm like but no, he's the worst, literally the worst. I can't marry him. But that that protest didn't didn't go very far. I ended up having to go forward forward with that. I had no say I was. It was very much like this is happening this is what you're going to do.
Speaker 1:And that's it. How did it feel to not have any say it? Was it something that is just that's how you've grown up and that was just part of your family life? Or was it something that there was some leniency growing up and then all of a sudden it was like no, this is what you're doing. You're going into a arranged marriage. You do not have a choice.
Speaker 2:Well, I was introduced to this concept like early on since I was a child, is a lot of families to practice this, but my family was a little bit laid back and did let me meet people and date. So I thought, okay, I can just find my person on my own, but I guess I wasn't doing it quickly enough to their liking, so they intervened, yeah. So then I felt really like alone and like really lost and helpless. If you will, then I'm. That's not me, that's not me as a person, but in the situation I just felt like I had no power because my family just took over and made made this decision for me.
Speaker 1:And did you and the gentleman have a conversation after the decision had been made, like? Was he feeling the same way? Were you both on the same page, or were just like you know, we're doing this because we have to do this, or is it we're doing this because you know what we want to see, if this will actually work?
Speaker 2:I actually went up to him and approached him about it because I didn't want to do it and I said Well, they're not going to listen to me because I'm a woman, so you have to like, do me a solid and fail me out. And he refused. He said no, because if I were to get married it would be you, because you meet the wife criteria, my family knows you and it just makes sense. So romantic, so romantic.
Speaker 1:Seemed easy and convenient.
Speaker 2:Right. So I tried to get out of it, tried to get him to help me get out of it, and that didn't work either. Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I know that we were chatting in the DMs before we actually sat down today and you talked a little bit about the marriage ending and before we kind of get into why the marriage had ended. Is it common for arranged marriages to end or is it kind of a lifetime commitment?
Speaker 2:Typically a lifelong commitment, regardless of how the marriage is going. You just have to. You're expected to stick it out.
Speaker 1:On both sides Like it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2:Men have an advantage. Yeah, ok yeah.
Speaker 1:So share with us. Ok, before we get into how it ended, share with us the time that you did have with your husband. Was it what you were expecting? Was it kind of you already knew what to expect, or did it kind of grow on you a little bit?
Speaker 2:I kind of knew what to expect. To a certain degree, I was kind of expecting him to fail. So I was just waiting, waiting for it to unravel. But we did all the things that what married people are supposed to do. So he went to work. He went to work in Calgary because he landed a good job there. So he did that. And I was home working as well, and, yeah, I cooked dinner, I cleaned, I did all the things you're supposed to do.
Speaker 1:It was pretty standard until it wasn't yeah, so open up about that until it wasn't.
Speaker 2:I had a feeling something was off, so I decided to investigate. So he had come back from Calgary from a trip and I was going through his stuff pretending to clean and I found a card, basically a love letter, from this woman explaining all the ins and outs of their relationship. He had a whole relationship with this person. Wow, yeah. So they've been traveling together, going on cute little dates, yeah, this whole thing. And she's pouring out her love and adoration for this man. I go mm-hmm, ok.
Speaker 2:So then I knew what I had to do. I took photos of the evidence, because I know him and he would pin it on me and say I'm making it up or something. So I did that and I confronted him. He said oh, you're mad about this. What's the big deal? I didn't take that very well, can you imagine. I was very vocal. Yeah, I'm very clear about well, this is it. Then this is the end of the marriage. I cannot. And he goes on to say that it's just a one-time mistake and didn't mean anything, it was just physical. I don't want us to break up. So then I flip the script and say, ok, what if I have the opportunity to do it back to you? Would that be OK with you? Then he goes oh, that's disgusting. How could you even think of such an idea? The double standard, you know? That's it so gross? Yes, it is. Yeah, so it ended because of yeah, infidelity.
Speaker 1:Did it. I'm just reading my notes. When you saw, when you looked and you found your evidence of him having an affair, what did it feel like? Because you're in a marriage that you just not necessarily expected to be in, and so did it feel? Was there relief? Did it feel? Was there a little bit of betrayal as well, because someone is keeping a secret from you and giving this illusion that everything is fine? So what did you feel in those moments?
Speaker 2:I felt a lot of things. I did feel a sense of relief because, okay, I get away out, but I still was very angry and enraged and devastated because, yes, I didn't want to do this, but now I was in it and I was trying to make it work for the sake of the family. Yeah, so it mixed emotions for sure. How long were you guys married? It only lasted 10 months, so didn't even make it a year.
Speaker 1:Is there the ex? Because we're talking about infidelity and I know that we're going to move into the conversation of your marriage dissolving because you had just said it was a marriage. Is there an expectation? If you were to, you had divorced out of this marriage should then be arranged into another marriage.
Speaker 2:No, I think my family at that point just raised the white flag. Yeah, because first of all, me ending it was a problem for the family, like they didn't handle that well, that I was the one to end it as a female and that I didn't want to forgive the infidelity and that I again should turn to blind eye. And it's okay because men will be men and they're going to do what they're going to do and women are supposed to accept it and carry on. So that was a huge deal and I got blamed for ending it. That's quite common in South Asian culture, where it's okay that men make these kind of choices and have multiple partners and women are expected to just stay at home and run the house and don't ask any questions. So how?
Speaker 1:did that go? How did it go? Just approaching your parents and saying this is what I found out my partner is not fully committed to me and I'm looking to end it. How did that conversation go?
Speaker 2:So I call my mom hysterical and I'm like this is what he did and I'm so sad, I'm so upset. I'm going to come back home because if you're not married, then you're supposed to stay with your family. I'm like he's not coming with me. I'm going to come back on my own. And she didn't comfort me or say I'm sorry, or try to make things better for me. I was reaching out to her to say something to make me feel better. No, it was more of like are you sure? Are you sure that's what you want to do? It's okay, and I was horrified. Are you not supposed to look out for my best interest here? But it was more about how I was just going to look to the outside world in our community. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing that you haven't even lasted a year. It's very embarrassing to the family.
Speaker 1:And so how did that affect your relationship moving on with your parents?
Speaker 2:There is some resentment on my end because even when the wedding was taking place and I was still protesting like, oh, I don't want to do this, this is ridiculous, she goes this is not about you, it's about me and what you owe me as a daughter. It's your duty, because she was a single mom since I was 14. So I did feel a sense of guilt and, like I do, she did so much for me. I kind of owe her and try to do things her way to appease her. So, yeah, there is resentment, but still your family, I still love my family of course, but the resentment is there and I look at her differently now.
Speaker 2:I used to look at her like a protector and mama bear kind of thing, but now it's like, ok, I'm on my own. She doesn't have my best interests at heart, necessarily, because she's more concerned with how things look from the outside, looking in and the competition of well, so-and-so's children are married and they have children, and so-and-so has grandchildren. And here I am. I don't have any of that yet. So it's more about what she doesn't have and the lack of Right and your responsibility to provide that Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, are you an only child?
Speaker 2:I have a younger sister, so she recently got married to someone of her own choosing. It wasn't an arranged marriage. I find the younger sibling, the younger generation, tends to do whatever they please, because I've broken her, broken my mother down yeah, so it was easier for her to do that.
Speaker 1:For sure. Let's talk about the blame. So you had mentioned in our dams and in our conversation that your mother really encouraged you to kind of turn the blind eye and just being like men do what men do and you just kind of have to get over it. Let's talk a little bit about that, how that is for you, to everything that takes inside of you to turn a blind eye, because that's not something, that's not easy. You're looking at somebody that's betrayed you and that doesn't seem like he was very forgiving of it either, expecting you to kind of turn a blind eye at the same time. And so how did that feel to have this expectation like this isn't like you know, suck it up, yeah, yeah, well.
Speaker 2:It felt like, well, nobody cares about me here in this situation my family or my partner, so I'm literally on my own in a marriage as part of a family. So it felt very confusing, counterintuitive. But the back story with that is that he came from a family where his father was unfaithful for the entire marriage, and so did I. My father was the same way, so I guess it was the norm at that point back in the day that that was okay. So when I was growing up and my sister as well, I think we consciously chose to make a life for ourselves. That didn't look like that.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, yeah, exactly, and I'm sure you send some sort of betrayal, considering this man was your friend for 10 years, like it wasn't like you had just met him and there wasn't necessarily a history there, like you're not only losing a marriage, but you're losing a friendship that you had as well.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, for sure, I don't think he considered any of that when he made his choices.
Speaker 1:I know we talked a little bit about resentment, but do you resent your ex-husband?
Speaker 2:To a certain degree, but I had to forgive for my own well-being yes, I don't wanna bring that energy going forward into other relationships and into my life in general. So there was a divorce process, a Muslim divorce. So we're Muslim, so there was a divorce process that had to happen. In a way, that was also out of my control. So he decided recently, at the end of 2023, that he was going to remarry. This is gonna be his third wife. Okay, yep, so that's just a fun fact. So he calls me and he's so we need to do the Muslim divorce. It's like a little ceremony and I go yes, congratulations, wifey, number three. Good for you. That's amazing. So he's like, okay, and we did it over the phone because he wanted his brother to do it. His brother is like a priest, yep, in our community.
Speaker 2:So we did a teleconference kind of divorce, which is weird on his own and basically I didn't get to say anything. They asked me like the obligatory if you have any comments or concerns, you can bring them up at this point and I didn't. I chose not to say anything because there would be no point. It would be kind of useless to say anything because I'm not really listening to what I have to say. Anyway, it doesn't matter what I have to say. So I just said no, carry on.
Speaker 2:And he goes okay, well, he has to divorce you. That's how it goes. The man has to divorce. I go okay, so I'm just gonna sit here and listen. So he asks him three times do you divorce this woman, do you divorce this woman, do you divorce this woman? And then he has to basically tell me that three times. And that was it. That's kind of how the marriages happen as well. The priest asks us each three times if you want to marry that person. And that's it. It's very simple, yeah. So I had no say in that either, which I didn't wanna stay religiously married to him. That wasn't the issue. But again, the lack of power that women have in the religion and the culture is a hard pill to swallow and I question my own faith.
Speaker 2:I do call myself a Muslim, but not to that extreme. There's certain things that I find kind of antiquated and that don't fit fit in with modern society and being born and raised in North America. It doesn't add up, it doesn't mesh, it doesn't make sense. So, yeah, I do struggle with with that, is there?
Speaker 1:anything. So moving through all of those emotions because those are, those are heavy emotions. They're not like like where it's just like not saying. Like you know, being cheated on is a light emotion, but to the degree, but there was so much there before it even happened. So what do you do to kind of help move through those emotions? Do you go to therapy? Do you have your own kind of practice at home that, whether it be journaling or something like that, that allows you to move through those, through those emotions?
Speaker 2:I've been going to therapy for years, I think it's so it has been so helpful to me to have an outside person to speak to that has no biases, because you know your friends and family all love you and you know they're on your, they're on your team, they're a cheerleader regardless.
Speaker 2:So it's nice to have an outside opinion, someone to bounce ideas off of and and and like a safe space to, to share the feelings and emotions and and the, the concepts of culture and family and identity and unpacking all of it, because I still consider myself part of the culture and the community. But there's certain things that I just associate from and I I don't participate in kind of a black sheep of the family, if you will. I'm almost 40 and I I'm I'm consciously choosing to not put myself in that type of situation again and I'm being very vocal and not feeding into that stuff, because it's so easy to get caught up in it because of the pressures of being in a South Asian family, like everyone's getting married and, you know, having babies, and here I am doing my own things, independent lady, but it doesn't fit into what is expected of me, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:How did it feel? How did it feel seeing your sister getting married to somebody of her choosing?
Speaker 2:I was so happy for her. Oh, that's nice to hear. Yeah, they're high school sweethearts. It was like the sweetest thing we generally want to be together. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so nice to hear Because you know, seeing, you know, having very two very different experiences right can sometimes bring a lot of animosity and and different types of emotions towards that person, without even you know wishing them bad things either. You know what I mean? Like just kind of these little things that are brewing that you didn't really notice until it actually happened.
Speaker 2:Right. So she's not a very religious person. She's less tied to the community and culture as I am, so she didn't care about anyone's opinion or thoughts. She just planned her own wedding, like my mom, didn't even have any say in anything. She did it all on her own and everyone would just showed up. Yeah, I love it. I love it because I think she realized early on that she wanted no pardon in this and she made it very clear that she was going to do this her own way and people are. There's a lot of gossip and things that happen in our family. If you don't follow the rules and you're labeled all sorts of things, all sorts of names, she just goes, and I love it.
Speaker 1:That's inspiring just to watch or just to be a part of.
Speaker 2:Yes, so now I'm following in her lead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're like, okay, I'm doing that and that's amazing. So how does it feel being you know out there as yourself and you know not, you know being held down or held back from others' opinions and expectations, especially your family, because I know, like you said, like I know, that could be so hard, because they are who you grow up with, right, they, their opinions matter, their opinions shape who you become as you grow older. So how does it feel being you know, your own person now?
Speaker 2:It's really liberating and I feel so much happier that I'm not in that people pleaser role anymore Because I was for so long just the way that I was brought up and single mom. When having a single mom, you know you feel like obligated because she's given up her whole life to do all these things for you and provide for you, so you feel like you all were one. But it was to the point where at the expense of myself and my own happiness and where I want my life to go the direction. So, yeah, it feels really good to have control, control back.
Speaker 1:For sure. What would you say to anybody that is listening, that is in a marriage, whether it be infidelity, whether there be infidelity or not, that are just feeling as if you know this is not for me, whether it be arranged, whether it be just on their own. What advice would you give to them to find the courage to take the next step?
Speaker 2:I would say listen to your intuition, because if I had truly listened, I wouldn't have caved in and let myself be walked all over. I think listening to yourself and what you want versus thinking about the opinions of others and the way that things are presented, that's more important. That's more important Overall, yeah.
Speaker 1:I agree, my gosh, the opinions of others can really hold weight, Like it's. Sometimes it's easier said than done, Like I always. Like I know for the we experience we're like fuck what everyone thinks Like you're your own person.
Speaker 1:You're powerful, but people are like I'm like, but it's way easier said than done. It is really really hard to kind of stand on your own and be like no, what I'm saying, what I'm feeling right now, is important, and I believe in this and I want this, and no one else is going to deter me from the direction that I'm heading. So I commend you on your courage, because there are many people that would not be able to do that. Thank you, and my last question for you is what advice would you like to leave here with everybody today? And it could be about anything. It doesn't have to be about what we talked about.
Speaker 2:That question. I think loving your family and your friends doesn't have to be being a doormat and taking on their projections and reflections and ideas. You can love them and have your own opinion and your own thoughts and you shouldn't let that override your own intuition.
Speaker 1:I really like that. I really do because I find I know for myself, like being open-minded and kind of listening to other people's opinions, but not necessarily making them my own, really gives you power to be like I can decide what I want to believe in, and it can be different and that's okay, but I never because I, like you, I was a people pleaser and other people's opinions were my opinions and I was like, oh sure, yeah, I guess that's right, you know whatever. But then I kind of learned that I was like I can still have my opinion and still stay true to who I am and do what I want to do, and it's not going to please everybody all the time and there are going to be whispers and noises and I have to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, not for them.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, it's like setting those boundaries and like sticking with them.
Speaker 1:Yeah 100%, it's so important. I said that was my last question, but now that you brought up boundaries, I would love to talk a little bit about that, and how did it feel putting up boundaries for your family?
Speaker 2:for your mom. Yeah, it felt uncomfortable because there hadn't been any so kind of just saying no to her was not the norm for me. I have always done my best to accommodate her and make her happy in whatever way I could. So I also think there's a guilt factor that she puts on me where she will say, like I've given you everything, I've taken care of you. I had one thing that I asked you for and you can't do that for me. So it's more like a trade-off, like I did this for you, you do this for me. Then we're even kind in that weird way. Yeah, so I had to really firmly place the boundaries on that relationship and just say no and be okay with her being unhappy with my choices.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm sure that would be like. One of the hardest parts is that knowing that your immediate instinct, without even thinking about it, is to go and help and to be like no, no, no, no, like, never mind, I didn't say that, we'll try to get it later. We'll try to get it in six months, just warming you up to the idea. No, no, there, just bring it out there.
Speaker 1:You just like it. Okay, I'll come back, totally yeah, but I commend you for sticking through, because that's hard, and that's hard in all aspects of life putting up boundaries, especially with those that have never experienced a boundary before and they're like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like what are you doing to this to me? What did I do to you all of a sudden? Yeah, yeah, so defensive, so defensive, like you know it's, and you're like I don't want to get into that right now, another time, another place, but right now I need this from you and you know I, you know, would love if you would, you know, honor that and respect that of me, which can be so hard.
Speaker 2:I think my aunt had to help her understand. My mom was complaining about me in front of me, so that was cool and she goes. I'm so stressed out. Alicia doesn't listen, she just does whatever and there's no, there's no convincing her of what's right and wrong, and it's very frustrating. So my aunt goes well, you're thinking of her as your daughter and you shouldn't. You should think of her more like a son. She's, she's like a son. So what she meant by that was sons can do whatever they want. Sons can tribute, sons and make choices. Sons can provide, and I do all these things and I have this role in my family and my household and I do a lot. So she goes. You shouldn't treat her like a daughter, like a liability, like a dependent, because she's not. But to be called a son, I kind of laughed. I'm like, ok, sure, if that's what it takes to have rights in this family, cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll take it, I am now the son. But good on your end for acknowledging that and seeing that and helping your mom move through that in a sense, to give you peace Right, to allow your shoulders to relax a little bit more. Right, because I'm sure it's hard to have the same conversation over and over and over again and going nowhere and you're like but I'm going somewhere, mom, like I'm moving forward and I can't sit here and have the same redundant conversation over and over again.
Speaker 2:Seems like, regardless of what I do in my own life to make changes and improve and do better in my career, that doesn't matter to her because I'm still unmarried and I don't have children, so I'm still look down on. Wow, that's hard. Yeah, I mean I feel like I'll ever have her approval, which is fine. I can say that now it's fine because I've tried to gain her approval and that went horribly wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Right, yeah, oh, thank you again. I won't ask the last question again. Thank you again, alicia, for opening up about this. You know you really opened up my eyes and my mind to all of this. This is something that I don't have any friends or family that have experienced an arranged marriage, so it just I really appreciate you sharing your story and being vulnerable with us. No problem, thank you for having me.
