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THIS IS WE
Embracing the Seismic Shift: Sara's Odyssey of Self-Discovery and Renewal
When Sara, the dynamic co-owner of Ess & Cay Salon and Experience, graced our studio, she brought a story that resonates with the heartbeat of transformation. Married young and quickly adapting to motherhood, she navigated a maze of self-doubt and anxiety, only to emerge with profound self-awareness and a renewed zest for life. This episode isn't just about change; it's about the kind of seismic shift that happens once you commit to the path of self-discovery.
Our conversation with Sara is a testament to the boundless power of the human spirit to overcome and evolve. She bares her soul about the symbiotic relationship between personal growth and parenting, sharing how the watchful eyes of her children inspired a journey that swayed from the church's pews to the psychedelic therapy's embrace. Witness how Sara's salon became not just a business but a haven where she unfurled her potential and redefined her life's narrative.
Listeners, prepare for a voyage through experiences both grounding and ethereal, as Sara recounts the ways yoga, meditation, and the piercing cold of plunging into icy waters fortified her resolve. You'll be moved by her candidness about the struggles of staying present and the triumphs that emerge when you do. This episode is not just a story but an invitation—a call to recognize your potential for transformation, and the relationships that can blossom from vulnerability and sheer determination.
Connect with Sara @hairby_sair
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Join me, portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shape them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. I am very excited to have our next guest here with us. Sarah is the co -owner of Essence Case Lawn and Experience and the mom of two teens. Best bio ever. We were just talking about that before we started recording how nice, how beautifully short it was. So, sarah, welcome. Hey, thanks for having me. Oh, my pleasure.
Speaker 1:So this is a little bit different for me in regards to the conversation today, because I have never heard Sarah's story at all. So I am like getting super comfy, sitting back and just like sinking into it because I am very, very excited. So, without further ado, before we dive into your story, I want to take a step back and ask you why you set out on this self-discovery journey. I could see it like I could really really see it unfolding online or, yeah, online, on social media, and you are not one to share a lot. So just those little snippets. You could just slowly see this transformation and for me, like outside, looking in, it was beautiful, like it was just so beautiful and inspiring to watch because every time you showed up it was just like this subtle change, this subtle difference, and it was remarkable, to say the least. So enough about me, enough about me talking. Tell us why you set out on this journey, sarah.
Speaker 2:Well, it's funny that you said that you noticed like subtle changes, because I feel like even before I went on like this self-discovery journey, I really feel like it already started to happen before I even recognized it in myself. So I just feel like at one point it was maybe about four years ago and I just kind of felt things shifting for me. I felt like I was kind of stuck in this loop and I didn't know how to get out and I just felt like I'm the worst for change. I think change is super hard for me and even though I wasn't happy with my life or myself or anything, I just feel like I couldn't grasp on where to go from here.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean Like what to change, how to change. It all seems so overwhelming, but I feel like I knew I needed to make changes, and even just the thought process and telling yourself that every day over time just starts to open you up a little bit. So I feel like that started to happen before I really noticed it and then, when I was like determined, okay, things are going to change, I need to figure this out and make some steps to change, then things kind of really took off for me.
Speaker 1:Let's go back to the beginning and tell us kind of how it all started, that pivotal moment where you're like I'm actually going to put one foot in front of the other and take action.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so a little about myself. I think I shared this with you too, because I remember hearing one of your podcasts that you were sharing that you had your daughter pretty young and I had my son at 23, but I got married at 20. So it was like, you know, getting married that young and starting a family really young, you just don't have time to think about yourself Like when you, when you're diving into wifehood and motherhood, like, yes, it's obvious you yourself takes the back burner right. So it was easy for me to kind of like just disappear into that and that's what I did. And so, yeah, I married John. I was 20, and had my will. My son is 15 now, at 23. And we had like, and then Audrey came three years later, 26.
Speaker 2:And I remember like people telling me that, you know, marriage was going to be hard for about like the first couple years. But, john, I had like a very rocky marriage. Like first 10 years I would say were not great, and we we really struggled and I think that it had to do with how young we were, you know, not knowing who we were, not knowing how to be with each other, not having not knowing who we wanted to be as parents for our kids and you just kind of go with emotions and do your best and just things were not great for us for the first 10 years and realizing that you know, something had to change. And our marriage did do a huge 180 change at that point and the healing really started to begin. We did some therapy, we did.
Speaker 2:We really just started to look at ourselves, you know, and John did it first, his transformation, like I don't know, he was just so easy to like figure out what he needed to change and just do it. And I'm just like he just did it and he was a whole new person and it was incredible. And I just remember feeling like super supported all of a sudden and like so loved, and like he saw me and he had this I don't even know the word I'm thinking of, but like it was just it was beautiful. I could just tell like there was a big change and a big shift. But yet I still had a hard time letting go of the past, letting go of the trauma, letting go of everything, even forgiving myself, and I just realized that I had to do. And so that kind of happened at that time and we really like started kind of walking through life together instead of like against each other, and that was a huge change in our lives. But things were still hard for me.
Speaker 2:I struggled a lot and I didn't know why I was struggling a lot. Everything just felt like I was in this loop of you know, I was struggling in this loop of negative thinking and negative talk and everything I tried to do it was difficult and I felt like I couldn't do this and oh well, I can't do that and I can't do that, and everything just felt so overwhelming and I was full of anxiety all the time and I didn't know why and I didn't think that I had a reason to be. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally makes sense.
Speaker 2:And I'm like why? Like I have a husband who loves me, he changed his whole life around and everything is great and my kids are great, and my job is great. And I just didn't, I didn't feel great with myself and I say, maybe like a year before COVID, like when?
Speaker 1:four years ago.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So about around that time I really started to think about why these feelings weren't going away and why I really couldn't move any further and I just felt stuck. You know, I just like the only thing that I could think that I could do was to just make some big changes in my life. Like I just felt like I needed to step away from from some things in my life that were taking up a lot of my time, and I feel like when you're always consumed by things and so busy that it's hard to like to think about what's going on in the inside, right, oh, yeah for sure. So I was very involved in our church and I was on the leadership team. I led the music and I was like that took up a lot of my time and I just things started not sitting right with me and I just needed to take a step back. So I, we left the church.
Speaker 2:This was like a year before COVID and we just took a breather and we had time. We had time on the weekends, we had time as a family. I had time to just be with myself and just think about what was next for our family, what was next for me, and I feel like that's when things started changing. I started like realizing that certain people I was around all the time were impacting me negatively and not helping in this like loop I couldn't get out of. So I just felt like I needed to breathe and to pause and to take some perspective. I really felt like that was the gateway to change for me. Like I really I don't think I could have done it if I didn't make a big change like that. So and same with COVID. Like when COVID happened, that's when even more perspective happened because I was home even more. I had even less things to do. I wasn't working, I was. I was at home, like and that was a bit of a time of self discovery for me as well I was really like, okay, well, if I can't do hair, what am I going to do? Like I started making wood things in my, in my garage. I started crocheting hats I tried to do like just things to keep me busy paid attention to my kids more, realized that my kids were really struggling and I was able to be there for them more.
Speaker 2:But again, like at the same time, I really felt like I just had that extra time to really think about what was my next step. And even me and my husband we would have these conversations about. You know, where do we see each other? Where do we see us in one year from now, in five years from now, in 10 years from now? And my husband's like I see you, you know, opening up your own salon and I'm like what? I'm like there's no stinking way I can do that and like, immediately all those like negative thoughts and negative thinking and all the I can't do this and I can't do that, and all the inner dialogue just flew back in and I was like what is happening? And he's like, yes, there are, like you totally can do this. And I'm like I don't know and feel like at one point I had the courage to do it and to make that decision for myself.
Speaker 2:And that's when I reached out to Caitlin and I'm like, hey, I'm about to make another big change in my life and what do you think about this? Yeah, so that was like another start to to something beautiful with with Caitlin. Caitlin and I we knew each other. We worked together for 10 years. We were nice and friendly with each other. We really got along. But that was about it, and I think she mentioned on the podcast when she was on, that like we ended up becoming great friends and we just I just find like we are so aligned with our dreams and our goals that it's easy to work alongside someone that you share that with. We both had these dreams and these goals and we just just decided to go for them together and that kind of been a better decision. It really was.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I want to kind of take a few steps back and talk about not necessarily talk about your marriage, but really like I can really relate to you, like I got married at 22.
Speaker 1:But I had my daughter 20, so basically married at 20. But I can really understand the struggles that you probably had faced during those first 10 years because I'm I felt the same, like I felt my husband might say something different, but I really felt that it was really hard for the first 10 years Because I personally didn't feel like I was grown up, like I was mature. But I think being mature and, you know, having that wisdom of growing up and trial and tribulation and learning and different experiences weren't necessarily there. And so he's eight years older than me, so he had all of those experiences. He lived his 20s and then I met him in his late 20s and I was, I met, I met him when he was 27 and I was 18.
Speaker 1:And I didn't have any of those experiences and it was such a hard, hard time and I think now obviously our marriage is very different now, but there was a lot of like resentment, you know, being home with my daughter and and this is what my identity was like I had different dreams for this, like I didn't see myself being a mother, especially I didn't see myself being a mother period, and I never saw myself being a mother that young, or even getting married and never mind getting married that young. So I can really relate to a lot of that, that struggle and and not really knowing who you are for those first 10 years, like it's. It can be like isolating and you're like trying to fit into this mold, into this image, like maybe this is who I am and you just kind of like squeeze in there and you're like Nope, nevermind, it's going to get out of here.
Speaker 1:No, I think I'm this person. So, yeah, I can really relate to that, like that's. I never knew that about you, like that's.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I really, I really am a people pleaser like through and through I always have been. My parents told me like I would literally just sit in the corner and and I would be the nicest like little girl like you'd ever asked for, like I never put up a fuss over anything, I just wanted everyone to be happy and I feel like that's kind of the role I took in in that as well like just making sure my kids were taken care of, making sure my husband was taken care of, and like you do everything for everyone else, right, and I think that was the biggest thing that I even even with the church like it was. It was like a moment for me to take a step back, because I literally didn't have the time, energy, the focus to focus on myself when I was just consumed with too much stuff going on. So I feel like that was that was something that had to be done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I love how you bring that up because I think that's so important, because you do need space and the capacity to focus on yourself, to better yourself, like in sometimes. Like I know, I have busy days and I always try to do one thing for myself every single day and I get mad, like I forgot what. Last week I was getting mad at my husband and he's just like why are you getting mad? And I was like I had to pick my daughter up from work and I was like she's never, this late and, oh my God, and I just want to relax.
Speaker 1:This is the only moment I have for myself and by the time I pick her up, I literally have to go to bed because I'm such, a, such a stickler and I have to be in bed by this time. And I was just like I haven't even been able to breathe and I was just hoping to have 30 minutes at the end of my day to breathe.
Speaker 1:And he's just like, well, it is what it is, and I was like I'm so I'm so I'm so upset and she gets in the car and I was a bit upset and end up getting home and then we have like this whole discussion on the couch and she's eating her dinner and I was just like you know what? Okay, this will be my 30 minutes of just breathing. It's not alone, but I can relax here and we can kind of sink into this. But I really like that you brought that up Because I think that's so important, especially for those that are listening, that feel like their schedule is super full or they are, you know, pleasing everybody else around them, you know, before they actually, you know, get to themself. I think it's really important to to take a step back and realize that it's important to take care of yourself always.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:So you mentioned a little bit about you mentioned leaving the church, but you also kind of briefly mentioned about maybe leaving like a friend circle. Am I correct in saying that? Yes, so how was like? How hard or easy was that? Because I think, especially in personal growth, I know for myself I did a little bit of a step back in some friend circles because, same as you realize that maybe this is not exactly who is best to align with me right now and where I want to see myself in the future, how was that?
Speaker 2:Well, to be honest, like a lot of it had to do with well, to be honest, I didn't have a lot of friends that weren't at the church or at my work and my work. I worked with a lot of my family and a lot of my family actually went to the church, so I really had this very narrow pool of friends that were great. Like I honestly like I loved every one of them and it wasn't anything personal. But when I needed to take a break from that part of my life, those people, um, you know, I needed a break from those people too, because they may not have understood my reason for leaving. They, um, I feel like a lot of people didn't understand.
Speaker 2:A lot of people thought I was maybe running from something or whatever. Like you know, when, when someone leaves a church, like there's a lot of talk and there's a lot of judging and there's a lot of um, assuming, right, people are quick to judge and assume, and I knew no one was going to ask me why. You know, it was actually not a difficult thing because when I made that decision to leave, yes, it did still work with a lot of those people, but that was like another thing where, you know, it was like I just needed space from all of it. And then that's when COVID hit, hit and I was, I finally feel like I can breathe, you know, and that was like, okay, I, you know the environment wasn't great for me. And, you know, along came with that the friends I liked, the friends I loved, the, and the people who I talked to every day, you know, and that was, it was hard to walk away from that because they weren't the people I was running from. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it was kind of easy but kind of not. It just kind of all went together. And then when, when Caitlin and I opened up the salon and that was that was great for me, because when we opened, actually Caitlin was even working at the salon right away when we opened because she just had her baby so it was really just me and it was just me, a couple of girls we hired, and that was it and started working and I started just sinking into my own space, you know, and that felt like me just sinking into a little bit more of me as well. So I was able to breathe, I was able to be myself. I didn't feel pressure and I didn't have that negativity around me either. So it was, it just felt like a dream come true. It was really a breath of fresh air for me. And then I had to thank my husband for pushing me to do it.
Speaker 1:That's amazing, that's so like, so good. Not many husbands look at their wives and be like I see you opening a salon and because that's a big undertaking and there's a lot of time involved with that and everything, so like Kudos to him Well like.
Speaker 2:I said, like something switched with him and like, immediately I felt like he could see me better than I could see myself. And that kind of leads me to the next part of my journey, because I was like determined to. At this point I felt like the pressure was off and I felt this freedom and I was like I need to figure out who I am. I had the courage to make some big changes in my life and now I need to figure out who am I Like? What? What is what's going on in the inside? Because I'm still having a lot of this inner turmoil that I can't, I can't run from anymore. So I end up.
Speaker 2:So I'm working at the salon one day and one of my clients that I've known for years she came in and she was chatting with me about going through some pretty life changing things in her life and I was like blown away and I was like I don't know how you're coping with that Like. And she's like, actually, like I am, I didn't know how I was going to cope with it either. And she got introduced to psychedelic therapy and she talked to me about that and her experience. Immediately I was like sign me up. And I was like I couldn't even believe how quick I was to even be open to something like that, and but then I also needed to do hours and hours of research. So I like scoured the internet for everything I could find on it. I listened to countless podcasts and read like three books before I even decided to try.
Speaker 2:I mentioned it to John too, and I I'm like this could go either way. I'm like either you're going to think I'm crazy or you might you might support this, I don't know. And he's like I never thought I would see you wanting to do this, but I fully support you. And then he started researching. And then he was like just all over it too. He's like this seems super cool. And I'm like, okay, well, what have we got to lose?
Speaker 1:So just interject. Could you tell us a little bit more about what psychedelic therapy?
Speaker 2:is. So you can. So magic mushrooms is what I I tried, and there's lots of other different avenues. There's lots of different drugs that are psychedelic but basically, like, depending on the dose you take, takes you into a different experience. So so if you take like a normal social dose, you have, you know, like there's certain types of things you're going to experience, right. And then if you take more, you're going to go in a little bit deeper. And then if you take a heroic dose, which is the therapeutic dose is what I was after, and so when I did all this research, the the biggest thing it does is it dissolves your ego. So your ego being that part in your head that is like a defense mechanism. It's a little bit of your autopilot. It, you know, it prevents you from it's like your survival instinct, right. So what that does? So when you take the heroic dose, it dissolves your ego, so you don't have control much over your subconscious and you're able to explore the inner workings of of you. Basically, that's cool, yeah, so so it took me a couple attempts actually, because for some reason I discovered I have a very high tolerance for this specific drug and it took me to take a lot of them to get to this stage.
Speaker 2:So the first couple times, like I felt nothing and I was like what the heck? And I was so disappointed and so defeated. And the day I actually went on my little journey, we were at the cottage. We have a cottage up north and we, we went to the cottage and I'm like, okay, this is it, I'm going to take all of these. And you know, it took a long time for them to kick in and I, by the time they started to kick in, john's like I'm tired, I'm going to bed. I'm like, okay, just kind of left me there hanging and I was terrified at first. And then I realized very fast that there was no stopping this experience and I couldn't fight it and that's your ego dissolving. And then I just went to bed and I was up all night, but not up all night, and like I was closed on this journey all night.
Speaker 2:And I woke up in the morning and I was like I was a completely different person, like I felt the need. I felt the need to like introduce myself to John in the morning. I'm like I have a completely changed and there's a couple things I wrote down that I wanted to to share with you about the journey, because, like there's no way I could I could tell you everything, but but there's a couple, there's a there was a couple pivotal things in my journey that really changed my whole perspective on myself. And so I was in this forest kind of thing and I saw this big castle and I was kind of like a whole Alice in Wonderland situation, if you could imagine. So I'm, I'm in this castle and I hear like this awful raging sound and I don't know what it is, but for some reason I follow it and it takes me to this chest and it looks like a treasure chest and I opened it and all the sound comes out of it and it's like the most terrifying, like screaming awful sound ever. And then I shut it and the sound went away and it was peaceful and I had never felt like a piece like that before. I felt like all the anxiety melted away and and I felt just so at peace.
Speaker 2:And then, and then at one point I was walking down a hallway and there was this big mirror and I stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror and then I was confused because it didn't, it wasn't me, it was somebody else and I looking at this woman and I'm like, okay, so maybe this isn't a mirror. What? Who am I looking at? And I kept looking and I realized it actually was me. And when I was thinking about, like, who this woman is, I was thinking I'm like, oh my gosh, she's. She's beautiful and you know, I don't know who she is.
Speaker 2:And then when it clicked and I realized that it was me, it was a mirror, but it was a different perspective of me. It was a perspective of how others see me and the bit and the and the perspective I had on myself, totally different than like how you view yourself as, totally different than other, how other people view you. And it was like it just smacked me in the face in that moment and that was like, holy crap, like I have I have been thinking that I am this ugly fat. I had so many negative words for myself in that moment and they were all gone, they dissolved and I was like, okay, this is who I am, I'm gonna board with that, like beautiful, and so that was.
Speaker 2:That was one of my wow moments. And the other one was actually when I like I can't even tell you all all the places that went. But at one point, at one point, I woke up and I opened my eyes and like my face was just soaking wet. I had been crying and I like wiping my tears. I'm looking around the room and John likes in the bed beside me and he's sleeping. He's not even facing me and I could feel this love, just like eminence, from him. I could, I could literally see this aura around him and it was so warm and loving and then I started just thinking about him.
Speaker 2:Sorry, this is the part where I might tear up a bit, it's okay don't apologize and I just immediately felt all the love that he had for me and it seemed crazy that I wouldn't like I know John loves me but to feel the amount of love that he has for me.
Speaker 2:For some reason I wasn't allowing myself to believe it, to think it's true, to feel it, to experience it in that way. And the moment I was looking at him and I just felt this, it was overwhelming and I was like, oh my gosh, I felt all the love he had for me and it was unconditional. And, you know, mixed that with all the negative talk that I've been believing about myself, all the lies I've believed about myself forever, literally melted away in that moment. And that's why I say like, when I woke up, I felt like a totally different person. I didn't have, I didn't have any anxiety anymore. I didn't have any anxiety. And when and when things start to creep back into my life, when I do start to feel a little stressed and anxiety because I still do I am able to just like close that lid on it and and know that that doesn't have to. Just sit near me forever, yeah, and just to come face to face with demons that have been torturing me forever and just let them all go in one wild night.
Speaker 1:No kidding, I'm sitting here like full body chills, like at one point, like my heart is just like pounding, especially the, especially the mirror, especially when you looked at yourself in the mirror and didn't even recognize that person, like I know. I can relate to that. I know a lot of every, a lot of things that you're saying I can I can really relate to. I think my biggest, my biggest goal in therapy is to see myself how other people see me, which is which is probably the hardest struggle, and so it's so.
Speaker 1:It's inspiring and beautiful to know that you did that, because I've been like, I've been struggling to, to see myself the way that you saw yourself, and it's just, it's so. And now I just want to like, okay, interview down, I'm gonna go, take so much rooms and go, go, go have an experience like Sarah, um, but but honestly, like it, just it's. And then the bed and the chest, like I'm, like I just I can totally, totally relate to everything that you experienced and and I'm in such amazement that you woke up the next morning and was like hi, I'm Sarah yeah, literally like because I I actually didn't sleep all night, like it was an all nighter, like I wasn't actually sleeping.
Speaker 2:And then John woke up and I was like, well, I think I got a bed first, because it was like 6 am and I'm like wide awake, just trying to, I got out of journal and I started writing stuff down and I also started googling a lot of things, because I'm like what just happened to me and and because I don't think that's what I expected. I don't think that you really do that and and have an expectation, right. So it kind of took me by surprise. So so when I made some coffee, you junk on up later and I'm like, hey, the kids were at the cottage too, they were in bed. But I'm like, hey, I need to talk to you, we need to have like a private conversation. I'm like, how about you get a coffee? Meet me in the hot tub. And he's like, okay, so we go in the hot tub and I'm like I have to tell you something.
Speaker 2:I've been up all night. I haven't slept yet and I'm a completely different person and like I had a hard time even recounting it because it was so fresh and I was still so emotional. I remember, like even last night I was going over with John again. I'm like, do you remember what I said to you? It goes. I remember you crying a lot. I'm like, yeah, I was just falling, wow, yeah. So that was like the big, that was a big kickstart, like things have started to change and I was, I was making progress. I was I was making some big moves in my life and then this was something that really kind of like unchained me in a way and.
Speaker 2:I wasn't held back by my self-awareness, my self-consciousness anymore. I could put clothes on the next day and feel totally beautiful on them and I had no idea why, and and like I, I just don't know how. It doesn't make sense to me how, like, one day I could be this person and the next I could be this person, you know. So that was, um, that was the biggest catalyst in my change. And then I'm like it took me a good like six months to want to try and do that again. But after six months of, like, working through the things that came up for me, I was like, okay, I think I want to try and do this again and, uh, I actually haven't succeeded in doing it again.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, I, for some reason I am a really hard science experiment to nail down because I don't know, it's really hit and miss with me um, if I can, if I can get that far again, so I would really actually my. My goal for next year is to do some sort of retreat and, um, do like maybe even an ayahuasca retreat. Um, do something. Ayahuasca is another psychedelic and it's something that I I think that would be really great for the next stage of my healing journey.
Speaker 1:Wow yeah, ayahuasca would be fun.
Speaker 1:I have never done it, uh, but I know people that have and I know people that have done. You know, mushrooms for for, I would say, medicinal purposes, not for pleasure or leisure. Um, they kind of had the same when you did it again, had kind of that same outcome where nothing had happened. And it was a dear friend of mine and she's like I keep doing it and it's not working. It's not working. I was like maybe it's an expectation, maybe you're walking in, thinking I'm waiting for something to happen and it's not happening. And I'm like that is what. That's what's happening. It's like almost that idea, like you have to let go. And it took her like for I don't know how many, I want to say maybe three to five times, um, where she finally finally was able to like surrender into it. I think she at that point she just given up. She's just like yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't care I, nothing's gonna happen anyways and whatever. And then it, finally, it finally uh kicked in for her and she used to do a lot of retreats, ceremonial retreats like that, where they did um different. They usually did psychedelics, but they did other type of um medicines. I guess they would mean um that would help purge a lot of the, the traumas or whatever, maybe kind of still lingering within the body, would purge, and then you would, then you would do a psychedelic to kind of either purge whatever was left or bring in, or whatever it was.
Speaker 1:But yeah, ayahuasca would be would be very cool.
Speaker 2:I know I'm very intrigued by all of this now.
Speaker 1:I am now yeah, yeah so um? Was there other than your psychedelic therapy? Was there anything else that that was part of your journey?
Speaker 2:um, yeah, um, actually before, um, I did the mushrooms. Um, I actually I know this doesn't seem like a huge groundbreaking thing, but I actually joined a yoga um place in Beaverton continuum yoga and that is something that I wanted to do forever and again, always talking myself out of it, and one day I had the courage to sign up for a membership, and without even, you know, going there before, and I just showed up and, um, that was probably another huge pivotal change for me too. Like, even the first day I went, I left and I just cried in my car and I didn't know why I was crying. I realized later that, like, even you know, just moving your body, like and I have been in such survival mode for so many years, and I just started to take notice to my body and and just realizing how much stress and tension I hold in all my muscles, and so the first time I did yoga and literally just stretched, I released all these emotions and and like I know you know, you're the expert audit for sure and I I started.
Speaker 2:So that was like a game changer for me, like complete game changer. I feel like if I didn't have yoga and meditation in my life these last few years. I still don't even know how I could do it. It just has been such a good part of listening to myself, paying attention to my, my physical body, even paying attention to what's going on in my head, and that time that I do that is just. It is made such a difference in my life in the last few years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, yoga is amazing.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, yoga. I started yoga years ago because of anxiety and my daughter and that's kind of where I started in my path and now I teach it and and it's, it's so beautiful and it really does create that deep connection with self and our body holds on to a lot of our emotions and different things like that. Like sometimes you can hear in classes like we're doing a hip opener, like be prepared, like things might come up, yeah, people weeping, and you're like it's okay, it's fine, like just let it run its course, like get it out of you now. Yeah, like it's, it's such a beautiful practice and and yoga is one of those things where you really have to leave the ego at the door, like you really can't go in with an expectation of how your class is going to be or how your body is going to move or anything like that, or whether you're going to not think of anything. You really just have to kind of let it all go at the door and just walk in like open heart, open mind and embrace what happens.
Speaker 2:Like you said, and that that practice alone of just letting that go is been like so beneficial, like, yeah, like even even in life, like just to be able to know that I can just not put those pressures on myself, on my body, on those expectations for me, and I feel like that has helped me a lot in you know, that negative self talk that you know just always starts to creep up, like you're not doing this right, you're not doing this good enough. But when, when I'm able to just be like you know what I love myself and I am able to just forget about the expectations that I have for me or other people have for me and just be like that's something. I'm 30 years old and I'm just learning how to do that.
Speaker 1:It's a gift, like it's. It's a gift like to just be like it's a gift that you can give yourself. That is never ending. But it's so hard, sometimes hard to get there, like it's not at.
Speaker 1:A girlfriend say I was talking about being present, she's like Porsche. I don't know why we even talk about those things. No one knows how to be present. Well, I'm like if I don't talk about it, that no one will get there. Like I'm like. It's hard and as much as I say, like I try to be present, it's still so, so hard. Because our mind is always going, is always telling us that we should be doing something more or something else, or it's not good enough. Or you know, you know if we're not present with our children, that who are we? Or if we're not present in our marriage, and who are we? And. But it's hard because our minds are busy and it's telling us to do one thing or hurts telling us to do something else, our body saying something else, it's, it's. It can be a lot to be present and scary like just to be present, to sit with yourself.
Speaker 1:that's. It can be a very scary for a lot of people and that's why we stay busy, that's why we just keep moving and puttering through, because it's like, oh, get to it one day.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 1:You know, when I have the space, I don't want to ruin what's happening. Right now in my life. I felt like that was a big one for me, where it was like I know I have shit that I have to deal with, but right now it feels good and what I'm doing, even though I know things are brewing, but I don't want to cause a ripple yet. And then the ripple comes, the big, the big tsunami comes and takes everything down. And then you're like, damn, now I got to rebuild from the bottom.
Speaker 2:But it's worth it.
Speaker 1:So how are you now, after you know this is a four year journey? You know. How are you now. How are you today?
Speaker 2:I feel like that's a loaded question, but I mean I'm doing good, I I still like in my mind I have obviously so much further I want to go and so much more work I want to do on myself. And you know, I definitely I feel like there's definitely something like stuck trauma, like I still have that, like something's holding me back, feeling something stuck and I and I can't put my finger on it and I can't figure it out. So that's something I'm working on figuring that out. I'm trying to do more meditation and actually cold plunging is something that I tried just this past January and I literally been obsessed and thinking about it since January and I just signed up for another one in a couple weeks. So I can't wait to do that. I want to start doing that more regularly.
Speaker 2:I talked to John when our house was built. We're building our house now too, so when our house is done, we want to put together some sort of plunge tub and do that. Yeah, I just feel like that is such a good reset and, yeah, the energy and the feeling I just felt like I could take on the world and I could focus and I could get stuff done and just gave me a good perspective and clarity and need more of that in my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love plunging. I have a little pod in my backyard and I do and I sell somebody. I'm like I do this like happy dance, but like in quotations, because it's not is like kind of a happy dance but it's kind of like tough myself up to getting in there. But, like you said, like it's one of those things where I'm like I know I could do it. I've done this so many times, it's nothing new, but it's still that challenge and it's still overcoming that challenge and overcoming every single thought, to the moment you sink into the tub and then the thoughts while you're in the tub and then the thoughts after the tub and everything. Like I always go back to my house and I like scream because I'm like look what I did, I'm not going to scream now, but like it's just like that, like I did that I'm talk myself up, like I can do hard things, and that was really really hard, like it's not easy to sit in something that cold.
Speaker 1:No and then it took me for a surprise?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I was. I did that at anchor and with the well room and it like watching people do it in front of you, right, and you're like, yeah, you can see it's hard, but they're still doing it. And then, for some reason, when I went in, I don't know I had, I had lots of confidence in myself and I get in, and I couldn't breathe. I literally had a hard time catching my breath and she really had to coach me in regulating my breath. But once I I could do that, I was like, okay, this is, this is okay, I'm doing it, and it felt amazing. It's amazing. I know so good, I'm craving it again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's good, it's such a good one. And I guess my last question for you is is there, do you still I guess you probably have answered this already, but I'm going to ask it again Do you still find yourself going back to who you were Like kind of almost a comfort in a way, instead of like not necessarily like anxiety is coming up, because those are things that are naturally going to come up, but like really being like this is really hard. Being the Sarah I am today and as much as I load the Sarah four years ago, it was really comfy there and I think I just want to go back to you ever find yourself kind of saying that to yourself.
Speaker 2:I never really want to go back. I never have that feeling that it was a comforting place, because to me it was like so much inner turmoil and and I didn't, I didn't like it at all. I do find myself triggered by some things, like you know, if, something, if I feel like there's, there's a task at hand and I feel like I start that negative talk inside again and like I can't do this and I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't want this and all these things like I'm telling you not to it. It's hard to To put my new self forward and to be like, no, you do deserve this, you can do this.
Speaker 2:It is hard to like to retrain yourself from thinking a different Loop, of thinking right. It's easy to go back to the old because it's on autopilot and that's the hard thing. So when I feel like that's starting to happen, I honestly, like I said, john can read me better than I can and he knows when I'm starting to go that way and I get really like Down. I get really down and I don't have a reason for it and I just feel like that. I just need a second for my, for my new self, to start rebooting and to, you know, start getting louder than the old self you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, I love that I love that analogy of getting louder. So I think, yeah, that's spot on, because that's exactly what happens when we change is that we want to kind of Fall back and but we need that, that new version of ourselves, to be like, no, I'm still here and I'm not waving the white flag, like I'm not giving up. Yet. Your stories, amazing, sarah. It's inspiring, to say the least. I think I can relate to so much of it and I think it gives it gives me hope for myself. Like I know, perception is. Perception is interesting and I get a lot of comments about you know what are you that you don't think that way, you don't think that I'm human.
Speaker 1:I'm like everybody else, um, but it gives me a lot of hope for myself, but I do, I too can one day see myself how everybody else sees me and and that's that's really, that's really cool and exciting, like really exciting. And my very, very last question for you, sarah, is is there one thing here, one thing that you would like to leave here with everybody?
Speaker 2:Quote it could be anything, it could be like Whatever you want, as far as questions for me to answer, um, I would just say, like, just be open. Just be open to new experiences, um, even if they are completely off the grid from your trajectory, your entire life. And being open to experiences, I feel like, is Um, is the easiest way for us to change, and that has always been my biggest struggle is not knowing how to change, and literally just being open To it and exploring possibilities is the only way to do it. So that worked for me.
Speaker 1:Amazing, amazing. I hope everybody that's listening really is inspired to create change within their own lives. It's a choice that you'll never regret like I don't think. I'm sure you can speak on that, sarah. It's not something that you regret changing and moving forward and, you know, stepping into who, who you, who you know deep down is there and is ready to be heard and seen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like your family is watching you, like that's. The other thing too is like I know my kids are watching me. They've seen you know it's kind of been cool little side note because I did have my kids so young so me going through this self exploration and this change. They're old enough to see it and to be aware of it. They knew mom their childhood, you know, and now they're, they're experiencing a new mom Now and to me that is super important for my kids to to see that and I'm super open and honest with them about my struggles and things I've had to do and the hard work I've had to do to make these changes in my life. And I just feel like it's different because normally when you're doing these kind of changes, sometimes your kids are really young, sometimes your kids are old and out of the house, right, and so it's something that my family has been right alongside me the whole time.
Speaker 1:That's amazing. That support. I find the support to be so crucial to you. Feel less alone in all of it, exactly exactly yeah, because yeah, like you had said your husband knows you almost better than yourself. And you can tell me that and it really it allows you to feel seen and heard without saying or doing anything. Yeah, and it's, it's a nice feeling, it really is, he's a great guy.
Speaker 2:Well, sarah, thank you so much again for sharing your story.
Speaker 1:I truly appreciate it. This one's going to live with people having made a long time my pleasure.
