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THIS IS WE
From Orthorexic to Self-Care Advocate with Gabriella
When the line between healthy living and obsession blurs, the fallout can transform a life—this is the reality Gabriella of GG & Co faced with her battle against orthorexia. Join me, Portia Chambers, as we unravel Gabriella's poignant narrative, an eye-opener about how a relentless pursuit of health can lead to an unexpected crisis of identity and well-being. Her candid conversation with us is more than her story; it's a clarion call for a deeper understanding and more open discussions on the complexities of women's health issues.
The journey to reclaim one's life from the clutches of an eating disorder is often shrouded in silence, yet Gabriella bravely shares the intricacies of that path. You're invited to witness how a single moment of clarity can light the spark toward recovery, initiating an arduous but necessary quest for help. Gabriella's experience peels back the curtain on the delicate balance between beneficial activities like yoga and weightlifting and how they may inadvertently exacerbate disorders. Through her ongoing healing process, she demonstrates the invaluable role of therapeutic practices and community in regaining control and self-compassion.
This episode transcends a mere discussion; it's a heart-to-heart on the essence of self-care and the relentless pursuit of personal growth post-recovery. Gabriella provides a roadmap of self-care practices that she crafted to support her mental health, offering listeners practical advice on creating their own resilience toolkit. Her empowering journey encourages us to redefine our relationship with self-worth and reiterates the importance of reaching out for help—a poignant reminder that we are not our past, and vulnerability, coupled with support, can be our greatest strength.
Learn more about Gabriella @gabpgalante
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Join me, Portia Chambers, as I sit down with women just like you, sharing moments in their lives that shape them into who they are today Stories of motherhood, betrayal, transformation, love and loss, vulnerable conversations, deep connection and collective healing. Welcome to the this Is we podcast. I am so excited to have our next guest here with us. Gabriella is the founder of Gigi Co, a boutique social media and PR agency dedicated to amplifying beauty and wellness brands. Since its inception in 2018, Gigi Co has worked with some of the fastest growing women's wellness and beauty brands and has won three digital marketing awards in 2022.
Speaker 2:Welcome, hey thank you so much for having me. I'm honored to be here.
Speaker 1:I'm so excited that you are here and, for those that are listening and are not familiar with Gabriella, she was one of our keynote speakers at our we Gather this year so 2023 and her story was so impactful and left many people kind of craving more. I think I got a lot of messages about your story and how relatable it was and how kind of navigating and I know we'll talk a little bit more about that as we go on but I just wanted to mention that I had a lot of women reach out to me after and we're just been inspired by your story.
Speaker 2:Thank you. That actually means so much because even when we were talking originally about like me coming to the event and sharing that story, it's just a story that, yeah, like I never heard anyone share those kind of things and it was just like I need to speak on this because I know in my heart that I'm not the only one. There's so many women that go through this. Like why aren't we talking about these topics? So it was just, it was a wonderful event and I'm so glad I got to share and that resonated with people, because I had people DMing me after and like making me cry and it was just. It just felt so good. So, yeah, I'm excited to share it all again.
Speaker 1:I'm excited. Now I can be like at the event. You're like present, but no, I can be like fully present into the story. So let's get started. Let's start from the beginning.
Speaker 2:Yes, okay. Well, I think my story I mean stories go way back, obviously, childhood. You know we all have our own little traumas. But when that started to really come out for me it was probably seven or eight years ago and I was just kind of, you know, finding myself like I was just trying to tap into new wellness-y things and I had really started to kind of take more conscious knowledge of my body and who I was and what I was doing and I got into working out and I got into spin classes and then it became more spin classes and then it became well, if I, if I, cut out this food, then this happens, and if I do this, then this happens.
Speaker 2:And it kind of really got to the point where I had gone down a slippery orthorexic slope of eating disorder kind of thing.
Speaker 2:And then I kind of woke up one day and realized that I was not the same person anymore.
Speaker 2:I couldn't barely function anymore. I had kind of just without really the intention of like restricting all these foods, gone down this this kind of path of cutting, cutting out everything that I loved and trying to just fit in this box and focus way too much on over exercising, not eating enough, and then how it just impacted my whole life, my relationships, and then just waking up, realizing that who am I like? I don't even recognize myself in the mirror, I don't look the same, I don't feel the same, I can't focus in conversations, work is suffering, everything's suffering, and that kind of just was like a really big turning point in my life when, when I had kind of people recognize that and and kind of shine light on that, but me thinking that I'm just being healthy, I'm just doing all these things because I feel good, I wasn't feeling good. Obviously, if we get down to it and yeah, that's kind of how the story started to to what led me to kind of a breakdown, to break through kind of situation.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to ask you mentioned that people were starting to notice and when people were talking to you or maybe even discussing that were, were the conversations hard to take, in a sense, where you're like I'm fine, like I'm killing it out here, like I don't know, I don't see the problem?
Speaker 2:So, so hard. I think when you're so in it, everybody around you can see it and can, like can, pinpoint exactly what it is, and you're like a little bit delusional, a little bit you don't want to, don't want to hear it, don't want to see it, but you're just stuck in that mentality and and that's what it was like for me. I remember, you know, my mom, my parents, pulling me aside like you've lost way too much weight, like what is happening, and me just being like nothing, like I'm just being healthy. I remember my, my good friends, like one day we were just all hanging out and they kind of like I felt it was like an ambush, they like attacked me, right, they like had kind of planned. It felt like an intervention, like they basically planned, yeah, this like meet up, and was like yeah, like we're meeting at Tim Horens, we're gonna have a coffee. I get there and they're like so we need to talk. And I was just completely blindsided, right.
Speaker 2:And then, even with my, my then boyfriend, who's not my husband like we were going away on trips and he was just like bringing these things up, like I don't recognize you, and it's like the most painful experience, because you're like what do you mean?
Speaker 2:Like it's still me right, but really like something else was kind of taking over and I just didn't. I don't think I was ready to see it. Like you have to kind of be ready to see it. And at that point I was just like maybe I wasn't ready, like the signs weren't clicking until they they really did click, until it was like whoa, you're, you're all right, you're all right, and that's kind of. After a bunch of those kind of instances, people were pittingly talking to me about this. It kind of took one person who was not really in my circle to kind of like slyly, like pinpoint, without calling me out, that I was like whoa, like I think she's right, and that's kind of what led me to to really seek out support and take the step to kind of recover and like get help that I needed.
Speaker 1:How long, if you know what I'm asking how long was this kind of point in your life? Like was this over a year? Was it over two?
Speaker 2:years. Yeah, from the point where I like things started to progress over a year's time, like they started to get like really bad over a year and then, once it kind of hit that year mark and truly there was like I was like a shell of a body at that point. It was kind of like whoa, at that point I needed to seek help and then that was probably in 20. Oh my gosh, I wish I could remember 2016, 2016, maybe, and that point that's when I kind of like literally checked myself into kind of like a support system, checked myself into a program, and then from that point, like that recovery point I mean it's ever ongoing, of course, but from that point, like I was in and out of these sort of programs for another year for sure, trying to try to get fricking stable again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, my gosh. And I can really relate with what you were saying, especially at the beginning, where it started gradually, like started with like building to two classes and this consistent thing, and then it started. Then it was the food and it was like, oh, if I just take this away, then I'll feel a little bit better, this one a little bit better on me, and I can really relate to that, because I was never a person that ever worked out. I thought I signed up for yoga because I was like that's anti working out. Yeah, I really felt like that's not working out. I get to lay there and stretch and that's where, like my like movement adventure journey kind of became started and it slowly progressed and I started to weight lift and I had an amazing personal trainer and friend, dear friend of mine, and she was great. I loved strength training, lifting heaviness, like my jam got into spinning and all of these different things.
Speaker 1:And then food was never a thing for me and my body was never a thing for me and it wasn't until I really started to focus on it and being like, oh, I've noticed how these foods don't make me feel good, and then it's like I'm taking this out. I'm taking this out and I only can eat this on this day, before this time, because if I eat it after 8pm, it's going to like take over my body. I'm gonna wake up and I'm going to be 50 pounds heavier. Like it literally distorted everything and I felt like in those moments and this was like maybe three years ago where I really realized that every time I looked at the mirror, I always had something negative to say about my body. And years before that I don't even think like I look back at pictures of myself and I was like I don't even remember ever thinking like I shouldn't wear that because I look this way or whatever it may be.
Speaker 1:And it wasn't until I had burnout that I actually had to stop working out and really kind of focusing what was going on in my body and the stressors that were happening, where I actually had to start looking at food in a different way. And it's been like two years of retraining myself. I think the first year was the hardest because I couldn't work out. I was watching my food like I was like, oh my God, since I can't burn any extra calories, I can barely walk for 10 minutes every day, I can't put all this food in my body and it became this whole big thing. And then after a while I was just like I can't, I need to start living.
Speaker 1:I need to eat a donut. I need, to like, eat a sugar.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a mind-blowing. It really really is. Because, like you said, like it happens so gradually, it's like one point you're just like, oh, I'm just like you follow these people on social media there doing this, you know, pull little tendencies from them and you incorporate that into your daily life. And then it's like after you reflect, you're like why am I doing this? When did I start doing this? And like, how did it become such a big problem to where we are now? And so I totally relay in a resume and I know it is.
Speaker 2:I remember when I was in the hospital, literally, I was like I had to ask permission to drink water, like I couldn't get up. I couldn't get up and walk around too much because that would burn too much calories. And this is coming from a person that was like doing spin class five days a week, was, you know, watching her food excessively. Like the fact that I could not even get up and walk around for more than five minutes, it was like the hardest thing for me to even kind of comprehend. Like how controls am I right now? But obviously that's kind of what needed to happen. But it's just, it's so crazy. Our mind just takes things to the next level and spirals.
Speaker 1:So tell us a little bit about that time in the hospital. I know you shared that with everybody at the event and I think that was very impactful. Just you know, you can see this transformation happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean. So what happened was I? When I realized I needed to get help? I was going to more like a day patient kind of eating disorder program and at this point I'm like I don't even have an eating disorder, like why am I here? Like you're still in that mentality did not see it right. So after working there for a bit, it was just like I was kind of like playing by the rules. I'd be like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna eat this. And then like go home and be like I'm doing crunches or like I'm doing another class, like you know, trying to like really go right behind the system. And then they were basically like you know, you're gonna die, like flat out, you're gonna die at this rate.
Speaker 2:Like I got to the bummer I couldn't even really walk up the stairs, which was terrifying. Right Like once I realized, once I actually stopped with the working out my body it was like it shut down. It was like completely, like I was out of breath, like walking. It was like I had put so much energy in like living this, like I'm totally healthy lie. That like my body was like no, no, no, we're like completely shutting down. So I had to literally pack my bags and move to a hospital, like I didn't even and this was like a regular hospital I didn't even know these kinds of programs existed Like it was truly like the weirdest, scariest thing for me. Like, imagine you're like 25 years old, you're packing your suitcase, your friends are going on spring break and you're moving into the hospital for two months because you have an eating disorder that you don't even believe you have, right, so it was just, it was so wild, but in there, like it truly was a blessing, I learned so much about myself that's kind of when I started to go down this like wellness path, meditation.
Speaker 2:We learned a lot about our thoughts and our mind and like CBT and just all these different techniques to really like kind of see yourself like out of your body and like realize your worthiness and realize and like things that I wouldn't really expect that we would be learning this in a hospital, right, but that's kind of the programs that we were doing. We had like these meditation, like sessions throughout the day. We had lessons on like anatomy and like what was actually happening to our body. We had lessons on truly like dissecting thoughts and like why are we thinking this? Like, if I eat this, I'm bad, like why does that mean I'm bad? Right?
Speaker 2:Like we really broke it down to kind of like basics and I think at that point I needed that. But it also kind of sparked something in me that I don't even a fricking die, like I have so many goals and dreams and like I want to get out of here. So I just needed my mission at that point to like how can I truly like not be one of these people that you know relapses or like they would bring people in to speak to us, that like truly never recover and I'm like, no, that's really not going to be me, because I can't have the thoughts about food control my life, like I'm not, I'm not here for that. So that's kind of. Although it was like seriously traumatic and horrible and depressing and one of the hardest points of my life, it did allow me, you know, to kind of come out on the other side and find a new part of me and new things that I really really love now. Wow, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's insane.
Speaker 2:Like that's insane. When I think back to that time, I'm like how the fuck did I do that? Like literally my, my boyfriend would come visit me, my parents would come visit me, my mom would visit me every night because, like I, just I wouldn't even talk, like I was literally, it was just depressed. You're just depressed, right, like in this state, and she would just sit there and like literally just hold my hand and just talk to me and just crazy, just the craziest time of my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I kind of want to talk about a little bit of the emotions that you were feeling, if you're okay with that. You know you mentioned depression, but I'm sure anger was probably something and I feel like sometimes we dismiss anger, like as if it's not valid, like I, I know for myself. When I went through burnout, I was. I think I was more angry than depressed and I was angry at a lot of things. Like I was angry at myself. I was angry at my body, my thoughts, the food I was eating, my inability to move. Like I was angry. I was angry at everything social media like I was mad at everything. So just tell us a little bit about you. Know what was swirling, you know in your mind and in your soul. You know those two months in the hospital.
Speaker 2:I think it really goes back to, like, the stages of grief. Like I was obviously in such denial at the beginning, thinking that this wasn't for me, like why did I need to get here? Right, I was so angry, like first thinking how did I let this happen? How did I let it get to this point? Like, why have I not realized this sooner? Like angry at myself and then just kind of like you know, bargaining with people, I'll do this on my own, I can do this on my own, when really, like I could not do this on my own or else I would have been better.
Speaker 2:But yeah, the emotions they're just like it's so hard to put into words because, especially at that point, it's not really like today, where we have these kind of, we have all the apps, we have all these things. Like this was a while ago where people weren't really, you know, talking about this yet and it was just a different point in kind of like social media time too. But I was just so, I was so sad. I was so sad. I was just grieving on so many different levels for, like, the person I used to be, and then also grieving because, like I wanted to be, I wanted to look like that, like not quote unquote like that, but I wanted to be that girl that works out. I wanted to be the girl that was healthy, but still the same point I wasn't being healthy, so it was just so. It was so much confusing, confusing emotions like running through me at all times.
Speaker 1:Yes, I can understand that. Yeah, so I want to talk a little bit about the day that you left the hospital oh my god, and what that was like, because I'm sure that brought on its own flood of emotions and and all of the things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it definitely did. I I remember leaving, like I kind of decided I was ready to leave, like they weren't like, okay, you made it, like you can leave now, like they would have left me to stay longer for sure. But at that point I just felt like I had tools and I was like I don't need to be here anymore. I have the tools, I can do this. So it was kind of like you just like, you know, check out kind of thing, like no one, at the end of the day, is forcing you to be there, like you have to agree. So really, I was like I think it's time. So I was just so happy and I was still a little scared, to be honest, because at that same point I still wasn't like recovered. You know, I was still doing some of those tendencies. I was still watching what I was eating, just like being a little bit more diligent about it. I was still like having those thoughts and like the body dysmorphia was like next level, right. It was still very scary.
Speaker 2:But little by little I just realized, okay, I need, this is what I need to do to actually be a human being that's functioning right. Like I wanted to go back to work. I wanted to go back to my job. I wanted to go back to where I was living with my boyfriend at the time, right. So it was just a matter of like what is more important here, like that person that was like a shell of a human being not even functioning, or like the potential of your future. So I kind of just held on to that, but it was. It was a really good day to be picked up. I'm driven home.
Speaker 2:I could just imagine just getting in your bed and like yeah, those little things like being able to walk to the washroom without being questioned, like grabbing water when I wanted water and not being like weighed of how much you could eat, like it was just your freedom. A little bit of freedom back and that's kind of what I felt like I was being stripped of was total freedom, yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. So I know you mentioned this at the event and I thought I would bring it up, but it's up to you. You talked a lot about what was actually happening to your body at the event, and so I don't know if you want to open up a little bit about that in that sense, or we don't have to.
Speaker 2:Totally yeah. At that point I mean you hear like, oh, if you're under eating like this is what's happening to your body. You know you could get osteoporosis, you know fertility, like so many different issues, but when you're in it again, you don't really realize. So for me at that point what that kind of looked like is like I said at this point I was like taking a new wellness approach, like I wanted to do things naturally. It was just kind of like a change in and how I wanted my like ethos to kind of be Like I was ready for a change.
Speaker 2:So I was on birth control up until that point and I just decided like when I came home, like I've done birth control, I'm not taking this, like I want to, you know, feel my hormones. I want to go through my month. They say, oh, I wish I like feel things Right. It's like I haven't felt things in so long because when you're in that it's just like brain fog, you're tired, you're just obviously you're not like nurturing your body Right, you're not nourishing it. There's nothing to really kind of, there's no cognitive like really stimulation. So for me I went off birth control without speaking to like a nutritionist or a natural path or anything like that, and immediately, like I just didn't get a period and I thought, ok, like I just need to, you know, gain a little bit more weight and get things moving again and, like you know, start adding the things that I was cutting out, just kind of get that back regulated. But it never came back and it never came back for four years. Wow.
Speaker 2:So at this point I was, at this point, like I was definitely, you know, back in my, my healthy body, like I was. My mindset has changed. You know, I was doing things I felt good, I was not restricting, like I was really like making an effort and coming out on that side. So at this point I'm like what the hell? Like why, why isn't this happening? Like I'm doing all the things right, I'm eating all the things I'm not working out. I like changed how I worked out, got into more like Pilates, like light movement and and lifting weights because I did love that too, but you know, not that excessive freakish cardio that I would do nonstop but it just wouldn't come back. So that was kind of like the biggest pain for me and like it felt so debilitating.
Speaker 2:Because at this point I'm married and my husband and I, we want to start thinking about having kids, and at this point I don't have a period. So it's like what does that look like for me? How does that fit if I don't have a period? So at this point I was like I'm ready to again take a next step and like see someone else that could help me. So I hired a kind of like nutritionist, sort of like coach, that had also gone through hypothalamic amenorrhea, which is like what it's called when you lose your period. So we worked together and again she kind of really challenged me to like are you really eating the things that you know you should be eating? So here was again.
Speaker 2:I was like facing this again, thinking that yes, I'm recovered, like I am eating all the things, but like deep in the back of my brain there was like a little bit of but you know, you could be doing this, you could be doing this. So I had to kind of look at those triggers and like see, what are you not doing? What is happening that you're like actually not allowing yourself to enjoy, like what are you not doing? And then finally it did come back and I got my period back and that was like literally the best day of my life. Like there it was just I, literally I manifested it first of all, but just seeing that, it was like a moment in a movie that I was like praying for and it was truly like I felt, like I had my body again, it was the best feeling in the world.
Speaker 1:Wow, I love how you put that that you finally felt like you had your body again. Because I can't, I can't relate to that, so I wouldn't even know what that would feel like. But I could just imagine because I know as women, I know for myself. I sometimes think like, if things aren't running properly, especially like, especially with our hormones, especially that what gives us our woman head more or less I know I forget where I was going with that, but even that monthly release, right Like after you get your period.
Speaker 2:You're like like there's something about going through a cycle and all the phases and like I wasn't having that. And it was like doctors would be like let's put you on the pill and like let's you know gear things up. I'm like no, no, that's not going to, that's really not going to work here, we're not going to do that. So I, it was like having that release again. It was like finally, like I could go through this cycle and like feel all the feels throughout the month and and getting that back, it was just. It felt like the biggest, like victory in my life.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, that is crazy. I'm just like trying to imagine it. It's, it's insane. And I love, I love how you seek support. I think sometimes, especially when, especially I like after you had left the hospital and you're trying to get your period back, you're doing all of the things, you're like it should be coming back and then you know seeking help again. I applaud you for that Because I think that takes a lot of courage to be like, ok, I still need, I still need a little bit of assistance. I kind of need to figure this out. I've done all the things I don't know and like I really applaud you for that because I know for myself like going and seeking help isn't easy, hard, so really hard, because you kind of have to be like, ok, admit something, you have to admit it to yourself, like I need help, there is something wrong, and so it takes a lot of courage, and so I really applaud you for that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it's definitely not easy, but I, even to this day, like whether it's therapy, it's like I know if you feel that gut, if you feel that little intuition, that piece, that's like kind of saying something to you. It's like I have to follow that and that's kind of like why I think like a journal and like why meditation helps me, because it allows me to like hear that a little bit more. And to end when I know like oh, I need to speak to someone about this or I need to help here, even for business things. Right, it doesn't have to just be personal, it's like business OK, if I need to, if I need to get someone on my team or I need to kind of get help because I don't get something, it's like why not? It's only going to help us, but I know it's hard to it's hard to do it in the moment.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I know it is hard and I find sometimes, like, even like guilt, like I can't see this shouldn't be a priority in my life. There's other things that I need to be doing and and I know for myself, yeah, there's a lot of guilt. I was actually thinking that on my driving my daughter to school today. No, I was having a moment where I was driving her to school and I just like, I just like I can't wait till it's just me, like it was this moment of like I have spent my whole life taking care of you. I didn't have a moment of just me. I tell my husband this all the time, but and then I'm like, after I have that one thought, like I've been doing this for 16 years, from 20 to now, and I'm like I just really looking forward to having that moment of like my day is my own and it's not for anybody else in my family and then I'm like I get to the next stop sign and I'm like I'm the worst human being. We're thinking this and that's the thing.
Speaker 2:It's that shame that crimps up. Yeah, it's always fucking shame. That was like one of the biggest things I had to work through was like shame. Like why am I so ashamed? Like what is the shame for? Like it's literally the most pointless shit in this world. I hate it. So it's like how can we work through it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's so true. Yeah, I always have. I don't want to say I always have a lot of shame because I don't but like in those like moments, I was like I then, after I get like, eventually get her to school and then she gets out of the car, and I was like, no, I do deserve, yeah, a day where I don't have to think about it.
Speaker 2:It's a battle. I'm like the battle, like the left and the right, I know.
Speaker 1:I'm like I don't want to rush it, but at the same time I still do deserve that. Like that's the thing, yeah.
Speaker 2:We can live in that duality, like there can be two thoughts at the same time that we have that are like kind of contradictory, like that's OK, and that's kind of another thing that I've come to learn, like there's room for both, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there is, and I think you need both. Yeah, like, I feel like I need that, that reminder. You know, I don't know, sometimes you just need that little.
Speaker 2:I know Oppose.
Speaker 1:You're like why, but? But sometimes it leads to other things and other thoughts and different avenues. So to my next question. I would love to know, you know, how you're doing now and I feel like that's a loaded question. I asked somebody that the other day, like I feel that's super loaded, but just in regards to this it's how I feel right now is like it's a loaded question.
Speaker 2:I mean, you probably had a bit of a time right now, to be honest, because, like I feel like your body is like your hormones. The work isn't just it's never done, like it's never. You're always kind of striving for something and that's kind of like where I am now. We're kind of, you know, still trying to conceive. I've had a miscarriage. It's like how do I now move on from that and not move on? But how do I kind of like just see that as part of my life now and work to like trying to conceive and work to just continue being a human and a business owner? And how do I figure out why that happened? Or like, what's going on with my hormones and what do I need to do now? So overall I'm feeling okay, but there are little things that I'm just always working on, and right now for me it's it's my hormones. Right now it's kind of like figuring out what's our next step and how do we kind of do that.
Speaker 1:Which is a lot, it's a lot, it is a lot, especially with being such an uphill battle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's that's the hardest thing. It's like I felt like I finally got my period back. I overcame all of this. It's like, why does this happen now, like, why did that have to happen, you know? And then you just see everybody like popping up on Instagram with their little shoes and their announcements of their pregnancies and it's like, how is it so easy for everybody else, right, like all of my friends that just like, oh, we're just pregnant again. Like, yeah, it just happened. Like we weren't trying, and it's like we have been trying for a long time. And it's like why? You know, it's always that why.
Speaker 2:But it's also about holding the hope and like knowing that it will happen. And this does happen to so many people. And that's kind of like one of those things that we talked about on stage at at we and just sharing that, yeah, this does happen to so many people, but no one's talking about it when it does happen. And I remember the day I made a post about it on Instagram just because, like I was really in the thick of it and I got like tons, tons of DMs, people being like this happened to me and just the people that I would never have expected that, you know, now have their children and never shared that. And it's just, it's just an important message. It's.
Speaker 1:I was talking about it with another friend, not about your miscarriage, but my own and just. We were just talking about holding on to the secret, yeah, the secret of it all, and how it's such a burden and I don't want to mean it in a bad way, but it's, it's. It's heavy on the soul holding this secret. And you're walking around this world and you're saying you know pregnant women, like I know for me, like I had mine right at like. This was December is my hell month, and I remember my husband and I would go to the mall because we didn't know what to do with ourselves and you would see babies and strollers and you'd see pregnant women and and you would see, you know all these other things that I'm just standing there going like, oh my God, and I want to. I want to go out to them, be like I. You should be so like. Are you grateful?
Speaker 2:Like. Are you grateful?
Speaker 1:Like that's like I wanted to go out that is like are you grateful, like I? Hope you're grateful because I'm here suffering Like I was in thousand percent. You just want to. You want to unleash your secret to the world. So it feels less of a secret in a way, and I feel like you almost have to go through it to know what that secret is Everybody that has never gone through that and I hope they don't have to for the people that have.
Speaker 2:But they will never understand like that pain and that grief, like that next level portion of it. They'll just they'll never get it. And even my friends, if I'm like I'm going away and they're like, oh, I'm so jealous, I'm like you are not jealous. You have no fucking idea how jealous I am because you get to stay home with your children. Like it's like it's so hard to kind of voice that and be, you know, like sensitive, but it's just like the hardest, it's one of the hardest things that I it was harder than going in that hospital. Like it is just one of the hardest things I have ever faced so far.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's, yeah, it brings up. It brings up so much more than the just the loss it brings up goes back to questioning our bodies and everything, our thoughts. Like I know for myself, like when I found out I got pregnant it it was, it was shocking, like I will admit. Like it was shocking First time I got pregnant, was shocking Second time I got pregnant was shocking. And with shock comes every emotion under the sun. Yeah, you start with grief and anger and you end with happiness and excitement.
Speaker 1:And I, I, I blamed for a long time my thoughts because there was a moment where I was like I don't know if I want this, yeah, and I blamed it. And then it didn't happen and I'm like, oh my God, I did this to myself. I know I didn't. Oh, yeah, it was genetic, it was. It happened, yeah, the moment the sperm touched the egg, but it had nothing to do with me or nothing to my body and I and I knew that and I still know that. But it's still so hard to let go of that, to let go of those, those emotions and those feelings.
Speaker 2:Even as women. It's like we put so much of the pressure and so much of, like, the fault and the shame and the guilt on us. It's like, why do we put it on us? It's not us, but that's literally all we think that it is so like. That's what it is. It's me, yeah, Like what are you Right? The heaviest, I know, it's the heaviest it is.
Speaker 1:It really is, and I never want to tell anybody that it goes away, but it it, because it never does. But it gets lighter, yeah, and it's more just circled in your body instead of feels like it's dragging you through every single day. It just it's there, it's like that's kind of a little backpack Carry around. But I always think in all those moments, especially in that time, and I didn't think of that obviously during it or even a year after that. But I look back now and I'm I'm not grateful that I went through that experience, but at the same time, I am grateful because it reminded me of so much of myself. It reminded me of the beautiful connection that I have with my husband.
Speaker 1:We've grown from that experience instead of drifted away, and it put a lot of things in perspective for us. You know what we wanted for our family, what we wanted for our lives, what we wanted for each other, and I think if that never happened, we wouldn't. We wouldn't have the relationship that we had today. So I'm grateful for that piece that came out of it, but I would never wish this upon myself again or anybody else. Like ever, ever, ever. Like. Not my worst enemy, nobody it's. It's something that it breaks my heart, honestly, every single day, knowing that I can go to the grocery store or go to the mall. I know that a lot of the women that I see are carrying that same weight every single day, and it's and it's heartbreaking because, like you had said, no one talks about it.
Speaker 2:Nobody, and it's literally what, like one in three, probably even more right, like we don't know, but that's so, that's so. Many of us women like going through this and, just like you said, carrying it in silence. Just it's like a secret, taboo topic Like why is it taboo?
Speaker 1:It's, yeah it's. I keep thinking like I got to change it. Yeah, I know everybody's gonna want to hear my story, but I just think, yeah, it's just just grief in general, loss in general is, is, can be. It can be a very hard conversation and and sometimes it doesn't even have to be a conversation it can be a one sided, where someone just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks, and the other person just sits there and listens and holds their hands and and just gives them the space to do so and and I think that's important- that is important and that's kind of like what you're doing too with this.
Speaker 2:everything you do, you're holding that space. So, yeah, you are changing it.
Speaker 1:Yes, I guess. So, Thank you. So I do have a question for you, I guess for anybody that's listening that feels as if they are on the same journey or have been on the same journey as you and you know, do you ever find yourself especially now, I think, with so many other things that I think that are happening different stressors, ever slipping back into that mindset of you know, even six years ago or five?
Speaker 2:years ago. I'm honestly so grateful that that hasn't crossed my mind or I haven't slipped back. There's moments where I'm just like, oh yeah, sure, I don't feel like eating this because I know it upsets my stomach, but I feel like it's coming from a place of this is actually what's better. I've done the test for my stomach. I know what actually it thrives off of and what foods it doesn't actually digest. But I think it's recognizing where.
Speaker 2:What place is this coming from? Is this coming from a place of that ego, because I want to look like this or because it makes me whatever? It has that sort of background? Or is it coming from a place of the feeling of be feeling good and nurturing your body and nourishing your body? Do you feel nourished? And I just lean into that and think what is going to nourish me in the best way?
Speaker 2:So I don't really slip back in those kind of tendencies. I don't have that same desire. I don't even have the desire to do a spin class. I do love to work out still, but it's like a different kind of exercise. I'm not just trying to go for a 10K run because I had a big meal. It's just that's the least, farthest thing from my mind. I'm trying to think what makes me feel good when I move my body. Is it a Pilates class? So it's just kind of that different approach. But this is also. I've been working on this for so, so long, so many years of journaling the thoughts and dissecting them and going back. Why do I feel like this? So many years of that meditation and getting therapy. It has helped me in so many ways. So I think that all has really helped to kind of get where I am now. So you mentioned a few tools.
Speaker 1:I know at the event people were obsessed with the toolbox Like they were like I just purchased mine and I need to fill it. They were so obsessed it was crazy. So I figure let's bring it up. So you talked about a few tools in your toolbox meditation, journaling, to name, I would say two of the bigger ones. What else do you do? It doesn't have to be a daily practice, even just something that you do that brings you back to yourself.
Speaker 2:I think a morning routine is so key for me. I kind of need that sort of stability and routine, even if I'm away somewhere. It could be as simple as I'm just going to wake up earlier, like a couple minutes before everyone, and have that moment where I can put in my headphones. I love the superhuman app and I love to be magnetic, like going through all of the workshops. I find them really helpful for me. So even if I can just squeeze one of those in and my morning routine usually just looks like my skincare, doing some stretching, just something that, like you said, brings me back to me if I've had kind of like a hectic time. So morning routines are key for me.
Speaker 2:Moving my body just for a walk, anything that kind of just gets the energy like moving and outward, is really important Once a day. I need to kind of just move my body, even if it is just a walk to whatever down the street, or if it's a like Pilates 20-minute video, whatever it is. Meditation, like I said, I like those apps, I like a guided meditation. I kind of need that support or else I won't really do it on my own. But it could just be a couple minutes, it doesn't have to be. I've never meditated for an hour or anything crazy. That's not me. It's just a couple minutes. I just need to like breathe in and breathe out. Other things that I kind of love self-care-wise is like acupuncture and massage, and just things that feel really luxurious and nurturing to me. I just I like that.
Speaker 1:I like those things too. Yeah right, they're my favorite. They're my favorite. I just, yeah, I love when. I love things where you walk into something feeling one way and you see, feeling something different. And I think, even like you said, even just like a few minute meditation, taking a few breaths for two minutes, you're going to feel significantly different than you did when you first sat down. And I think those are often the most impactful things, because the evidence is literally right there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and even there could be the littlest things, like, if you know, if there's like, if I'm overwhelmed in certain situations or I'm really anxious or stressed out, there's like a couple of meditations that I've like favorited for when I'm in that state and I'm like two minutes, I just have to put this on right. So that's kind of like what I mean by building that toolbox. If you know that, like you're having an anxious day, it's like how can we support you, how can you set yourself up for success that day, just so you can get through the day, if that's what success is. But if you know it's like that one meditation that you love or that like 15 minute breath work or whatever it is, just carving out a little bit of time for you, it just it makes all the difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it really does. I always feel like I take too much time, but I don't really care.
Speaker 2:I mean, I don't think just saying is too much time for yourself?
Speaker 1:No, I don't think so Sometimes. I feel guilty, but most of the time I'm like, I'm like I hold this house up. So, exactly, we need it, I need this. So my last question for you today and I ask everybody this question is what is one piece of advice that you would like to leave here with everybody? It doesn't have to be about what we talked about. It could be literally something that you carry with you every day.
Speaker 2:I think for me lately, like right now, what's coming up for me is what I've been saying. This has been my mantra for this whole year is that my past does not define me. I will say that again, I will say it over and over again. But just that worthy piece like I am worthy, like you are worthy If you're listening to this, you are worthy If you're out there in the world. You are worthy Like, just take that in and just remember that. That is like the biggest thing for me right now. So I think holding onto those kind of reminders is very huge, yeah.
Speaker 1:I love that, I really like. I like the worthy piece because to me that's a reminder that I need every day and what I do. This came up when you were talking about it and I was gonna voice note this to somebody. Is like when you are feeling. I just put in context I did a podcast, we did a new podcast episode out today and the person that I interviewed today was a little bit nervous about sharing their story and was kind of not necessarily having second doubts but feeling the anxiety of being like I've never really shared this with anybody before and now all these people are gonna hear my story and I don't wanna sound silly and everything and it's only been half the day so far and she's getting a plethora.
Speaker 1:I can't see everything, but I can see what I can see on social media. And she sent me a beautiful message this morning and I'm gonna send her a message back, just saying like take a moment to absorb. Like you sent me a message yesterday saying how you felt so unworthy and so anxious of sharing this and like look at what is happening right now. Like read those messages that people are sending you, save those messages, read them to yourself on days when you feel like you're not worthy of the things that are coming in. Like you are worthy, like this is, so I'm so happy you brought that up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's an important like. Everybody just needs that reminder. It comes up in so many ways that we don't even know and it's just. Yeah, it's one of those biggest things.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you so much for sharing your story and thank you so much for having me. Oh, my pleasure, yeah.
Speaker 2:I hope if anybody's going through a similar situation, it's just like don't be afraid to ask for help, right? It's like we can't always do it all on our own and sometimes seeking help is like the best thing for us, even if we don't wanna hear it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, help, got me out of a lot of things. So, yeah, a lot of hard times. Well, thank you again. Thank you, portia.
